“I’m sorry,” I said.
“You didn’t know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why do you think?”
Of course, I knew.
“He threatened you,” I said.
“Not me.”
The only reason my brother would have given in to a bully’s requests if the person was going to hurt someone they loved.
“Me?”
“Yep.”
“Tell me how.”
“He said that if I told you he was giving me a hard time, he’d make sure you never played sports again. Said he’d make sure you ended up just like me.”
James shook his head, obviously disgusted. I felt a pang in my stomach: a deep, sharp pain that made me feel like I was going to be sick. How had I not seen the signs? James had made up excuses for not going to appointments on the days when Keith was supposed to drive him. He’d said things like he had a headache, or he had diarrhea and couldn’t make it to the clinic. He’d said he needed to stay home for a variety of reasons, and sometimes, it had worked.
Other times, my parents had told him to suck it up.
My mom had been the one who had seemed the most uneasy about James’ experiences. She’d thought about quitting her job so she could always be available to drive him, but my parents just hadn’t been able to afford that. No matter how much they scrimped and saved, they needed the health insurance they got through my mom’s position. Besides, after living on one income while my dad was between jobs, they knew that it wasn’t something they could do again. Not with the way the economy was.
“I didn’t know,” I whispered.
“I didn’t want you to.”
“But even after I left...you kept it to yourself.”
He shrugged and shook his head.
“Brother, I love you, but you had your own shit to deal with. You didn’t need me weighing you down with my problems.”
“It wouldn’t have been a problem.”
“Maybe not, but let me ask you a question.”
“Anything.”
“If I’d told you that Keith was bullying me, would you have gone off to college?”
“No.”
“And that’s why I didn’t tell you,” James said. “I figured things out. I grew up. I got control of my life. I figured out who I was and who I wanted to be, and I knew one thing: I didn’t want to be a man who held my brother back.”
“That’s very big of you.”
“Thank you,” James smiled. He shook his head. “You know, you always worried about me because of my chair, but I always worried about you for other reasons.”
“You worried about me?”
“Every brother worries about his brother,” James pointed out.
“Why did you worry about me?”
My dad took another bite of his sandwich, and then he mumbled something about this being a private moment and he stepped away from the table. He left his plate and glass beside the sink, and then he left the room. Then James and I were alone.
“Because you never knew how to go after what you wanted.”
“That’s not true.”
“I don’t mean sports,” James said. “Sports were easy. I mean you couldn’t go after the girl you wanted. You couldn’t be honest with her. You couldn’t even be honest with yourself.”
“You knew about Cordelia.”
“Everyone knew about Cordelia,” he said. “Including Larissa and Keith.”
“I took Larissa to prom senior year.”
“I remember.”
“Keith said I owed him for all the times he helped you out.”
“I never understood why you asked Larissa,” James said. “That makes a little more sense.”
“I wanted to take Cordelia, but since I knew there was no way she’d go with me, I figured double dating to prom was the next best thing.”
“A classic mistake,” James pointed out.
“Apparently, everyone thought that Larissa and I were dating my senior year even though I’d gone off to college.”
James watched me for a second. He wasn’t judging me, and I appreciated that. He was soaking up everything I’d said, but he wasn’t upset with me. That wasn’t his style. He didn’t exactly freak out on people. I felt safe with James. I appreciated the fact that I could tell him anything and he’d be totally calm and stoic. He was the kind of friend who would help you bury a body at 2AM and the only thing he’d ask is, “How deep should we dig?”
“She’s back in town,” James said. “Are you going to ask her out now?”
“I kind of did,” I said.
“Is that so?”
“You think it’s a bad idea?”
“Not at all,” James said. “I think it’s a perfect idea. You both probably want a second chance, right?”
It was a rare thing we were being offered. I knew enough about how the world worked to know that not everyone had a second chance to make first love work. Not everyone got a do-over.
“Yeah.”
“Well, this is your shot,” he said. “You have a rare opportunity to try again. Not a lot of people get that.”
“I don’t know if I’m too broken,” I said.
“You aren’t.”
“I don’t know if I’m too old.”
“You aren’t.”
“You seem pretty sure,” I laughed. My brother always looked up to me. He always believed in me. Even when I couldn’t believe in myself, he believed in me. That was a rare treat. It was a rare thing that someone could look at me and just have this complete, unstoppable belief and trust.
“I want to tell you something,” James said.
“Okay.”
“It’s not about you.”
“Okay.”
“Well, it sort of is.”
“James?”
“Yeah?”
“Spit it out.”
“I went back to college,” he said.
“What?” James had dropped out after a semester at a local community college. It had been hard for him to manage his doctor’s appointments with class times, and the entire situation had been wildly overwhelming for him. Even though he was smart as hell, he’d said that college just wasn’t for him.
“Online,” he said. “For coding.”
He’d always loved video games, so I couldn’t say I was totally surprised, and yet I was.
“How?” I asked.
“How could I afford it, you mean?”
“Well, yeah.”
“I got a scholarship, and a grant, and I took out a loan,” he said. “But I went, Coop. I’m still going, actually. I’ve got two semesters done so far, and I was just offered a job that I can do from home while I continue my studies. I have three years left, and having a job will be tricky, but I’m excited. It’s going to help me and dad out a lot.”
“Holy dragons,” I shook my head. I reached across the table and tapped his shoulder. “I’m so proud of you,” I said.
“Thank you,” James beamed.
“Dad knew about you being in school,” it wasn’t a question.