He was silent for a while. “Daddies never cry.”
“What’s wrong?
“Nothing, Princess. I just wanted to say good night.”
I didn’t believe him, but Daddy was stubborn.
“Good night,” I said.
“I love you. You know that, right?”
“Yes,” I said, smiling.
“And you are perfect. You know that too, right?”
Like I said, I am not good with lying.
I didn’t reply, and he hugged me and walked out.
* * *
The next day I went to the park. It is just a block away, and my parents let me go alone to read on the grass. Erin was coming after dinner and it was making me nervous, so I was going to bank some quiet time.
Naturally, I was ambushed.
“Hello, Sara.”
I looked up and found James staring at me with his hands jammed into his pockets. I had forgotten how strange his eyes were. Big and brown and sad. His head was fully shaved now. It looked like an egg.
I stared back at him for a moment. It was not a yes-or-no question. It was a say-something-back kind of question, and I don’t really do those. But he just stood there. I nodded.
He smiled. “You’re a real talker, huh?”
I shook my head. Now he was getting it.
He sat down next to me and I frowned.
“That’s okay,” he said. “I don’t talk much myself lately.”
I looked at him with an expression that said, That is ironic, James, and he snorted.
“Well, not compared to you, I guess. Unless … are you deaf? Or mute?”
He tapped his ears, and I shook my head.
“Just shy,” he said, nodding. “Fair enough.” His hands were moving in his lap like he was building a tiny snowball. “I can leave if you want. I’m sorry to bother you.”
His eyes really were sad, and I didn’t want to be mean, so I shook my head.
“Cool. I was walking, and, well, I don’t know. Lonely, maybe. You live around here?”
Nod.
“Yeah, I’m a few blocks away. What grade? Oh, right. Umm … sixth … no … seventh?”
Nod.
“Eighth for me. I’m at St. Paul.”
Catholic. Made sense if he lived that close. I was in public school and wouldn’t see him.
“I play basketball. You play anything?”
I shook my head vehemently and he laughed.
“Fair enough. You been seeing Dr. Ring long?”
Reluctant nod.
He looked me over. “You seem normal to me.”
Ha. Nice crazy-gauge, rookie. I gave him a patronizing smile.
“Yeah, looks don’t mean much,” he said, staring out at the park. “Do I?”
I raised my eyebrows because I wasn’t exactly sure what he was asking.
“Do I look normal?” he asked softly.
I thought about that for a moment. The sad eyes. The tight smiles. I shook my head.
He laughed. “You don’t do the whole little white lie thing, do you?”
Shake.
“Good. Everyone else does. Can I sit here for a bit? I won’t say anything else.”
I hesitated. He really did look glum, so I nodded, and he smiled. We sat there and said nothing and stared at the grass. Then he just stood up, smiled at me, and walked away.
“Bye, James,” I whispered, but only when he was long gone.
* * *
“I have to say, I didn’t expect the ocean theme.”
Erin was lying on my bed, looking around the room. I wasn’t really sure what to do, so I was just sitting at my desk, following her gaze. I had never had anyone in there before, other than my parents. She had been studying the room for at least five minutes, and I was nervous.
“I was thinking black. Maybe like a Metallica poster. You’re so quiet and grim.” She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stared at me. She was wearing pink and yellow pajamas, and her hair was in big pigtails. “Maybe I was wrong. Are you sure you don’t talk?”
I shook my head, which didn’t really answer the question. To be honest, I wasn’t really sure. I had never had a friend.
She nodded as if I had said something. “Selective mutism. I read up on it yesterday. It’s all right. We’re besties now, but we are moving fast. You have to get comfortable and so forth. It’s a process. Well, where to start. My last name is Stewart. Boring, right? We moved here a year ago and I think we’re staying for a bit; my dad is in the army, remember? My brother sucks—”
“Sara?” my mom said, poking in. “I brought some cheese and crackers.”
Erin rolled over and propped herself on her elbows. “Mrs. Malvern, you are the best. Does Sara talk to you? No … so rude. Don’t tell me.” She turned back to me. “Sorry, bestie. Total privacy violation. I read up on it. Should we watch something? Let’s pig out and watch Netflix.”
My mom looked at her, then at me, barely holding back a laugh.
“Sara is having a busy day,” she said. “First that boy in the park, and now a girls’ night.”
I gave her my strictest that was confidential stare, but she was already leaving.
“Cancel the Netflix,” Erin said, jumping up and closing the door behind her. “Tell me everything. Or, you know, nod while I interrogate you. Boy. How cute? Nod once for very, twice for crazy cute. No. Let’s start with his name. I need to build a profile. Nod once for Aaron.”
“His name is James,” I murmured.
I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the fact there are a lot of boys’ names and we could have sat there for three days. Maybe I decided crazies were exempt from my no-talking rule, or that friends were an exception, or that I might as well knock off another rule. Number ten: Talk to somebody new. Actually, I think I knocked off, like, three. It was a good start, but my throat was dry again.
She didn’t say anything for a moment. Then she walked over and gave me a hug.
“You trust me,” she said, face buried in my shoulder. “Now, James.”
As she pulled away, her sweater rode up, revealing her hip. It was deeply bruised, mottled brown and green and black at the heart. The sweater fell over it again, hiding the view.
I opened my mouth, but closed it again. What did she say? A privacy violation. Right.
She still did most of the talking, but I talked too. We sat there for hours. I never asked about the bruise. Since I had never had a friend, I played it safe. I had to go to the bathroom to breathe a couple of times, and twice I started coughing when I didn’t really need to, but Erin didn’t seem to care. She just flipped through her phone while I went to the bathroom and launched right back into conversation the very second I was back. I had vaguely hoped she went to James’s school, so she could tell me more about him, but she was in a public school too—she just lived in a different district.
When her mom picked her up, she gave me another hug, and texted a minute later.
Good night, bestie. Talk to you Thursday! Just joking. I will obviously text you 100 times before then.
I stared at the text that night as I lay in bed. I read it a hundred times at least.
I had hung out with a friend. Me. Sara Malvern.
My eyes got a little watery, but tonight, they weren’t sad tears.