“Course you can smoke. We’ll just open a window.”
Elsa looks skeptically at the windows.
“I don’t think they’re the sort of windows that open.”
“Why not?”
“They’ve got bars on them.”
Granny glares with dissatisfaction at the windows. And then at Elsa.
“So now you can’t even smoke at the police station. Jesus. It’s like being in 1984.”
Elsa yawns again. “Can I borrow your phone?”
“What for?”
“To check something.”
“Where?”
“Online.”
“You invest too much time on that Internet stuff.”
“You mean, ‘spend.’ ”
“I beg your pardon?”
“What I mean is, you don’t use ‘invest’ in that way. You wouldn’t go round saying, ‘I invested two hours in reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,’ would you?”
Granny just rolls her eyes and hands her the phone. “Did you ever hear about the girl who blew up because she did too much thinking?”
The policeman who shuffles into the room looks very, very tired.
“I want to call my lawyer,” Granny demands at once.
“I want to call my mum!” Elsa demands at once.
“In that case I want to call my lawyer first!” Granny insists.
The policeman sits down opposite them and fidgets with a little pile of papers.
“Your mother is on her way,” he says to Elsa with a sigh.
Granny makes the sort of dramatic gasp that only Granny knows how to do.
“Why did you call her? Are you mad?” she protests, as if the policeman just told her he was going to leave Elsa in the forest to be raised by a pack of wolves. “She’ll be bloody livid!”
“We have to call the child’s legal guardian,” the policeman explains calmly.
“I am also the child’s legal guardian! I am the child’s grandmother!” Granny fumes, rising slightly out of her chair and shaking her unlit cigarette menacingly.
“It’s half past one in the morning. Someone has to take care of the child.”
“Yes, me! I’m taking care of the child!” she splutters.
The policeman makes a fairly strained attempt to gesture amicably across the interrogation room.
“And how do you feel it’s going so far?”
Granny looks slightly offended.
“Well . . . everything was going just fine until you started chasing me.”
“You broke into a zoo.”
“It was a tiny little fence—”
“There’s no such thing as a ‘tiny’ burglary.”
Granny shrugs and makes a brushing movement over the table, as if she thinks they’ve stretched this out long enough. The policeman notices the cigarette and eyes it dubiously.
“Oh, come on! I can smoke in here, can’t I?”
He shakes his head sternly. Granny leans forward, looks him deep in the eyes, and smiles.
“Can’t you make an exception? Not even for little old me?”
Elsa gives Granny a little shove in the side and switches to their secret language. Because Granny and Elsa have a secret language, as all grannies must have with their grandchildren, because by law that’s a requirement, says Granny. Or at least it should be.
“Drop it, Granny. It’s, like, illegal to flirt with policemen.”
“Says who?”
“Well, the police for starters!” Elsa replies.
“The police are supposed to be there for the sake of the citizens,” Granny hisses. “I pay my taxes, you know.”
The policeman looks at them as you do when a seven-year-old and a seventy-seven-year-old start arguing in a secret language in a police station in the middle of the night. Then Granny’s eyelashes tremble alluringly at him as she once again points pleadingly at her cigarette, but when he shakes his head, Granny leans back in the chair and exclaims in normal language:
“I mean, this political correctness! It’s worse than apartheid for smokers in this bloody country nowadays!”
“How do you spell that?” asks Elsa.
“What?” Granny sighs as you do when precisely the whole world is against you, even though you pay taxes.
“That apartight thing,” says Elsa.
“A-p-p-a-r-t-e-i-d,” Granny spells.
Elsa immediately Googles it on Granny’s phone. It takes her a few attempts—Granny’s always been a terrible speller. Meanwhile the policeman explains that they’ve decided to let them go, but Granny will be called in at a later date to explain the burglary and “other aggravations.”
“What aggravations?”
“Driving illegally, to begin with.”
“What do you mean, illegally? That’s my car! I don’t need permission to drive my own car, do I?”
“No,” replies the policeman patiently, “but you need a driver’s license.”
Granny throws out her arms in exasperation. She’s just launched into another rant about this being a Big Brother society when Elsa whacks the phone sharply against the table.
“It’s got NOTHING to do with that apartheid thing!!! You compared not being able to smoke with apartheid and it’s not the same thing at all. It’s not even CLOSE!”
Granny waves her hand resignedly.
“I meant it was . . . you know, more or less like that—”
“It isn’t at all!”
“It was a metaphor, for God’s sake—”
“A bloody crap metaphor!”
“How would you know?”
“WIKIPEDIA!”
Granny turns in defeat to the policeman. “Do your children carry on like this?” The policeman looks uncomfortable.
“We . . . don’t let the children surf the Net unsupervised. . . .”
Granny stretches out her arms towards Elsa, a gesture that seems to say “You see!” Elsa just shakes her head and crosses her arms very hard.
“Granny, just say sorry for throwing turds at the police, and we can go home,” she snorts in the secret language, though still very expressly upset about that whole apartheid thing.
“Sorry,” says Granny in the secret language.
“To the police, not me, you muppet.”
“There’ll be no apologizing to fascists here. I pay my taxes. And you’re the muppet.” Granny sulks.
“Takes one to know one.”
Then they both sit with their arms crossed, demonstratively looking away from each other, until Granny nods at the policeman and says in normal language:
“Would you be kind enough to let my spoilt granddaughter know that if she takes this attitude she’s quite welcome to walk home?”
“Tell her I’m going home with Mum and she’s the one who can walk!” Elsa replies at once.
“Tell HER she can—”
The policeman stands up without a word, walks out of the room and closes the door behind him, as if intending to go into another room and bury his head in a large, soft cushion and yell as loud as he can.
“Now look what you did,” says Granny.
“Look what YOU did!”
Eventually a heavyset policewoman with piercing green eyes comes in instead. It doesn’t seem to be the first time she’s run into Granny, because she smiles in that tired way so typical of people who know Granny, and says: “You have to stop doing this, we also have real criminals to worry about.” Granny just mumbles, “Why don’t you stop, yourselves?” And then they’re allowed to go home.