A different sort of dread begins to distill inside me now, strong and bitter as whiskey. Silly little things. That’s all he thought my grand ambitions ever were. All this time, all these chats over scones, all his intense listening to me explain how, if the head were to be sawed off a corpse, one could trace paths of the twelve nerves connecting to the brain all the way through the body. One of the few who had not told me to give up, even when I had nearly told myself to, when I had written to surgeon after surgeon in the city, begging for teaching and received only rejections. I hadn’t even been granted a single a meeting once they discovered I was a woman. All the while we had been together he’d been wondering when it was that I’d give up on this passing fancy, like it was a fashion trend that would disappear from shop windows by the end of the summer.
“I’m not training tigers,” I say. “It’s medicine. I want to be a doctor.”
“I know.”
“They’re not even comparable! There are doctors all over this city. No one would say it was silly or impossible if I was a man. You couldn’t train tigers because you’re just a baker from Scotland, but I have actual skills.” His face falls before I register what I’ve said, and I try to back step. “Not that you . . . sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
“I know,” he says. “But someday, you’ll want something real. And I’d like to be that something for you.”
He looks very intently at me, and I think he wants me to say something to assure him I take his meaning, and yes, he’s right, I’m just a flighty thing with a passing interest in medicine that can be siphoned off once a ring is placed upon my finger. But all I can think to say is a snappish And maybe someday the stars will fall from the sky. So I offer nothing in return but a frosty stare, the sort of look my brother once told me could put out a cigar.
Callum tucks his chin into his chest, then blows out a long, hard breath that ruffles his fringey hair. “And if you don’t want that too, then I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“I don’t want you working here whenever you need money and showing up at any hour you please and eating all the buns and taking advantage of me because you know I’ve an affection for you. I either want to marry you, or I don’t want to see you anymore.”
I can’t argue with any of that, though the fact that my heart sinks far further at the thought of losing this job than of losing Callum speaks volumes about the ill-advised nature of a union between us. I’m sure I could find something else to sustain me in this bleak, punishing city, but it would likely be even more menial and tedious than counting coins in a bakery and would most certainly not include free desserts. I’d ruin my eyes making buttons in a smoggy factory or wear myself ragged as a domestic, be blind and bent and consumptive by twenty-five, and medical school would be soundly put to bed before I’d had a proper shot.
We stare at each other—I’m not sure if he wants me to apologize, or agree, or admit that yes, that’s what I’ve been doing, and yes, I’ve known I was using him badly, and yes, I will agree to his proposal in penance and it will all have been worth it. But I stay quiet.
“We should finish cleaning up,” he says at last, standing up and wiping his hands off on his apron with a wince. “You can eat the cream puff. Even if you can’t say yes right now.”
I wish I could believe that yes was inevitable, the same way he seems to. It would be so much easier to want to say yes, to want a house on the Cowgate and a whole brood of round Doyle children with stubby Montague legs and a solid life with this kind, solid man. A small part of me—the part that traces my finger in the sifted sugar dusted around the edges of the choux and almost calls him back—knows that there are far worse things for a woman to be than a kind man’s wife. It would be so much easier than being a single-minded woman with a chalk drawing on the floor of her boardinghouse bedroom mapping out every vein and nerve and artery and organ she reads about, adding notations about the size and properties of each. It would be so much easier if I did not want to know everything so badly. If I did not want so badly to be reliant upon no soul but myself.
When Monty, Percy, and I returned to England after what can be generously called a Tour, the idea of a life in Edinburgh as an independent woman was thrilling. The university had a newly minted medical school; the Royal Infirmary allowed student observation; an anatomy theater was being built in College Garden. It was the city where Alexander Platt had arrived after his dishonorable navy discharge with no references and no prospects and had made a name for himself simply by refusing to stop talking about the radical notions that had gotten him booted from the service. Edinburgh had given Alexander Platt a leg up from nothing because it had seen in him a brilliant mind, no matter that it came from a working-class lad with no experience and a stripped title. I was certain that it would do the same for me.
Instead I was here, in a bakeshop with a proposal pastry.
Callum is kind, I tell myself as I stare at the cream puff. Callum is sweet. Callum loves bread and wakes early and cleans up after himself. He doesn’t mind that I don’t wear cosmetics and make very little attempt to dress my hair. He listens to me, and he doesn’t make me feel unsafe.
I could do much worse than a kind man.
The scent of sugar and wood smoke starts to return to the room as Callum smothers the ovens, drowning out the faint hint of blood that still lingers, sharp and metallic as a new sewing needle. I do not want to spend the rest of my life smelling sugar. I don’t want pastry beneath my fingernails and a man content with the hand life has dealt him and my heart a hungry, wild creature savaging me from the inside out.
Fleeing to London had truly been a fiction, but suddenly it begins to unspool in my head. London isn’t a medical hub like Edinburgh, but there are hospitals and plenty of physicians who offer private classes. There’s a guild. None of the hospitals or private offices or even barbaric barber surgeons on the Grassmarket have allowed me to get a toe in their door. But the hospitals in London don’t know my name. I’m smarter now, after a year of rejection—I’ve learned not to walk in with pistols drawn, but rather to keep them hidden in my petticoats with a hand surreptitiously upon the heel. This time, I will approach stealthily. Find a way to make them let me in before I ever have to show my hand.
And what is the point of having a fallen gentleman in the city for a brother if I don’t take advantage of his gentlemanly hospitality?
London
2
Moorfields is a stinking, rotting neighborhood that greets me like a fist to the teeth. The noise is fantastic—sermons of preachers damning the poor from street corners argue with screams from the brothels. Cattle bellow as they’re herded through the road to market. Tinkers call for pots to mend. Vendors sell oysters, nuts, apples, fish, turnips—new wares every few steps, all of them oily and all of them shouted about. I’m ankle-deep in mud all the way from the stagecoach stop, the thick, greasy sort that traps carts and steals shoes. Dead cats and rotten fruit bob up from the quagmire, and the thick haze of smoke and gin makes the air feel gauzy. It’s miraculous that I do not have my pockets picked on the walk and will be equally miraculous if I ever manage to scrape all the mud and offal off the soles of my boots.