I wanted to feel the vibration of my hand as I disciplined my sub. To hear the whisper of a whip slicing through the air before connecting with tender flesh. To see skin darken red with blood and bruises from the pain I caused.
I didn’t trust myself with a sub and definitely not with someone new like Charles. Rough play and having him call me Sir was one thing. Tying him up and whipping him was a different matter altogether.
My phone chimed, and I dug it out of my pocket, glad for the distraction, then disappointed it wasn’t Charles. He’d asked me what I’d be doing today, and I’d told him I would be home all day. I wasn’t ready to share about my therapy session with him yet.
Oscar had sent me a funny GIF, and I didn’t even question how he knew I needed cheering up.
I chuckled softly and quickly sent him back a message.
Auggie: Thanks.
His response came immediately.
Oscar: Anytime. You good?
Auggie: Yeah. You?
Oscar: Yes, everything’s just peachy. Nothing new here at the office. My boss is about to chew out my ass and not in the way I’d prefer.
I snickered, sliding my phone back into my pocket. A lot of Oscar’s frustration must have to do with sexual tension over his boss. As playful and irresponsible as he was, he knew he couldn’t do anything about it, since they worked together.
The office door opened, and a woman appeared alongside Heath. This was the cue my session was about to begin.
“I’ll see you again next week,” Heath said to her, and she nodded, thanked him, said a quick hello to me, and walked out of the waiting room.
“You ready, or do you need a minute?” Heath asked me.
He could read me so well. “I could do with a minute, but what would it change?”
“Come on in, then.”
I entered his office, remembering the first day I’d set foot inside. It had been the weekend I’d returned home in a haze of anger and hurt when we’d run into James at a gas station in Columbus. Dad had been puzzled when I visited that weekend.
On the rare occasion I had been out that weekend, I’d seen Heath’s office. I hadn’t thought about it much, just walked in and asked to see the psychologist. He’d been in a session with someone, and the time I’d spent alone in the waiting room had been the longest moments in my life. I’d been full on in panic mode when he walked out with his client and realized what was happening.
He’d given me his card and continued sessions with me online. When I’d first discovered I was a Dom and went to a gathering where they had demonstrations in Columbus, I’d been surprised to find Heath was behind the event. Apparently, he not only carried out general counseling services but was also a sex therapist who introduced people to BDSM following RACK practices.
It could’ve been awkward to engage in a counseling session with someone I knew so personally, but it wasn’t at all. Who better to understand what I was going through than someone who had been in the lifestyle for more than twenty years?
“I wasn’t sure if you’d show up,” Heath said, taking his usual seat. “I cleared the hour after, in case I needed to drive over to speak with you.”
Ah, yes, he knew me all too well. Then why had he decided to couple me with Ridge that night? It still irked.
“I admit I thought of leaving.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I need this to be fixed so I can go back to practicing, Heath. It’s fine going for a time without but not indefinitely.”
“And what if it never changes?” He leaned forward. “What if this is something that, as a Dom, you’ll have to learn to live with instead of eliminate?”
I swallowed hard at the thought. “I’m not sure how I can live with this. What good is a Dom to a sub if he’s too affected by his own drop to cater to the needs of his sub? From day one, you drilled the importance of that into me.”
“You’re right. I did. And I admit there’s room for improvement in the high expectations we have of our Doms. We need aftercare too. Some of us more than others.”
“But nobody emphasizes it.”
“But we should.”
I sighed, not sure if I was getting anywhere with this conversation. “So, what do I do now?”
“Your drops are exaggerated, Auggie. There’s an underlying issue, and we need to figure out what it is.”
“I know what the underlying issue is.”
“Then why don’t you share it with me?”
“It’s you pairing me up with Ridge!” My shoulders rose and fell with my heavy breathing. My chest tightened as memories of that night plagued me.
“All right, let’s talk about what happened.”
“You already know what happened. You were there!” I jerked off the couch and paced in front of him.
“We see things from our own perspectives.” His voice was still modulated, but his lips tightened. “I can tell you what I saw that night, of the way I felt, but in this session, it’s more important how you felt. Walk me through the night. What was going through your mind?”
“I was excited about it all.” I halted. “About being back. I was never truly happy in Columbus. Knowing the club was in Cincinnati, I couldn’t wait to be around people who understood.”
“Okay, go on.”
“I saw the way you looked at him.” I closed my eyes to let that night rush back into my mind. “I could tell you wanted him, and I was confused about why you asked me to punish him. You said it was for the best, and I believed you, even though I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I think I knew then that something was wrong.”
“Continue. What happened next?”
“I let the heat of the moment get to me.” I hung my head and frowned. “The euphoria that rushed into my bloodstream every time he flinched or cried out. I already knew his safe word, so I expected him to use it if he reached his limit.”
“How did you know he was at his limit?”
“I don’t know, but something felt off. I thought I was just being pulled out of the scene because of the others watching that night. I’m usually able to block them out.”
“But not this time.”
“No. But it was way more than that.”
“What was it?”
“I was impressed at his high threshold for pain. I felt so high I could push the boundary with him.”
“But you didn’t.”
“I don’t know how exactly it clicked, but I realized he wouldn’t safe word. I could’ve seriously injured him that night, and he would’ve just taken it. That’s not safe play, Heath.”
“You’re right. It’s not.”
I dropped back onto the couch, elbows on my knees, breathing hard.
“I can’t get it out of my head every time I try to do a scene. I don’t know how to trust a sub enough to engage in that kind of play anymore.”
I couldn’t trust a sub who couldn’t be relied on to use his safe word. Safe words were put in place to protect everyone. At the time, I thought it was to protect the sub, but it wasn’t just the sub.
They were there to protect us as Doms as well, and it took one sub ignoring the protocols of safe play to make me see this.