I nodded.
“You hungry?” she asked.
I nodded again, even though I really wasn’t. I just wanted to go inside with all of them.
“Why don’t you take him upstairs and I’ll heat up some leftovers. Then you can tell us about this pretty girl of yours.”
I followed them inside.
I STAYED with Joe. For a little bit. Just to make sure he didn’t have bad dreams.
THE NEXT day, he taught me how to text. He was my first.
hi joe its ox texting you thank you for helping me
It took me five minutes to type because my fingers were too big. I wouldn’t let him read it while I fat-fingered it out.
When I finished, his phone pinged almost immediately and I marveled just how quickly words could be sent. It was a scary thought.
He read the message and laughed so hard he fell down, tears in his eyes.
LATER THAT night, I got my first text:
You help me too
claws and teeth/laugh out loud
I TURNED seventeen and said good-bye to my junior year. Three solid months of work and pack and Jessie stretched out before me. I didn’t quite believe things were happening the way they were. It seemed too good. Too much like a dream.
Things were normal for a while.
Gordo said, “It’ll be good to have you back here all day again.”
Mom said, “Think we should talk about getting you some wheels? I’m sure Gordo could help us out.”
“Happy birthday!” they all said.
Carter said, “I really need to get laid.”
Kelly said, “That’s something I never wanted to hear.”
Tanner said, “Can you call Mrs. Epstein and let her know the Jeep’s finished? I fucking busted my knuckle and it’s bleeding all over.”
Elizabeth said, “I’ve moved on from my green phase. It’s time. I’m thinking Picasso and blue. What do you think, Ox?”
Rico said, “I’m glad you’re back full-time, papi. Gordo is much nicer when you’re here.”
Thomas said, “Do you know about Plato and the allegory of the cave? No? That’s okay. Just don’t believe the shadows are all that’s real.”
Chris said, “She likes you, Ox. She likes you a lot. Don’t break her or I’ll have to break you. Or if she breaks you, tell me and I’ll kick her ass. You don’t fuck with family.”
Mark said, “Every day, you’re making him just a little bit better. Ox, I am so glad we found you.”
Joe said, “Ox! Hey! You have to come with me right this second. I found these… like… these trees and they’re crazy and I think they could be a fort or something. I don’t even know! You just have to come see them.”
Jessie said, “I think we should have sex.”
I STARED at her. “What?”
“We should have sex.”
I said the first thing that came to mind. “Your brother will murder me.”
She rolled her eyes and brought her feet up onto my bed. She had slender toes. I don’t know why they fascinated me. There were painted red. Some shade of red that I thought was sexy.
“We’re old enough to make our own mistakes,” she said.
“Uh. We’re seventeen. And I don’t know if the best way to seduce me is to call it a mistake.”
She laughed and punched my arm. “Seduce. Oh Jesus.”
“So,” I said.
She arched an eyebrow.
“Maybe?” My palms were sweaty and my throat was dry. “But maybe not.”
“That’s… clear. As always.”
“I’m not… good. At things.”
She said, “That’s not true at all.”
And I was seduced.
AFTER, WE lay in my bed, sweaty and sated. My mouth had done things to her and her mouth had done things to me, but we didn’t have condoms so not much else was done. It didn’t matter because my mind was blissed out and blank. It reminded me of the old TV my dad had kept in the garage. It only showed static. White noise. I was a forgotten, broken television buried under years of memories. I laughed at this, and when she asked me what was so funny, I just said, “Nothing.”
“What’s that?” she asked.
I couldn’t see where she was pointing. “What?”
“That dog thing.” She pushed herself off me.
“Hmm?” I said, channels still trying to come in clear. I needed to wrap tinfoil around my rabbit ears.
“It’s heavy,” she said quietly.
And everything was razor sharp. I sat up quickly and snatched it from her hands.
“Ox,” she said. She sounded confused.
“It’s… I don’t….” I didn’t want her to touch it. I never wanted anyone else to touch it. I just couldn’t find the words (reasons) to say that.
“It looks old,” she said finally.
“Joe gave it to me. For my birthday.”
“Joe,” she sighed. “Am I ever going to meet him?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe? He’s your best friend, Ox. I’m your girlfriend. I introduced you to my friends.” And she had. Some girls at our school she’d met in class. Cassie and Felicia and something something something. I didn’t do well with new people. They seemed nice, but I could see their eyes flitting back and forth between Jessie and me and thinking really?
“You know Carter and Kelly.”
“Ox.”
“He’s… Joe.”
“I know.”
“He’s not in a good place all the time.”
“I know that too. That thing that no one will tell me about.”
I swallowed to keep my anger in check. At her. “You don’t need to know.”
She winced. “I’ll pretend you didn’t sound like an asshole right then. Why doesn’t he ever come over here? Why don’t any of them come to your house?”
“It’s easier to go over there.”
“That’s weird, Ox.”
I put down the stone wolf and sighed.
“SHE WANTS to meet you.”
Joe said, “Oh.”
“She knows how much you mean to me.”
Joe said, “Really?”
“I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
Joe said, “I know.”
“You can say no.”
He looked up at me. The sunlight hit his face through the trees as we walked down the dirt road. His hand was warm in mine. “Do you care about her?”
“Yes.”
“Do you care about me?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,” he said.
“Okay?”
He shrugged. “Okay.”
SHE CAME to Sunday dinner at the beginning of July. She was nervous. I told her she didn’t need to be. She looked pretty in her summer dress. It was yellow and she was golden. I touched her hair. She looked so small next to my hand.
“But they’re your family,” she said as we walked toward the house at the end of the lane, and that filled me with so much warmth that I could hardly breathe.