But I knew better than that. Too much had changed. I was Aella of House Apidae now.
“I can’t, Retger,” I whispered. “I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“Do you realize what it took to find you?” He didn’t sound angry, just surprised. “I don’t know how easy it will be to do it again.”
“I still can’t believe that you managed it at all.”
“We all would have come, Shrikeling.” His eyes were earnest. What he drew out of the bag now was a scarf – warm but light in the finest spun white wool. I knew the craftsmanship. This was one of Helissa’s scarves. She sold them at the larger markets in the autumn. “We would have fought through all of the Forbidding to get to you. You have to know that. They sent me because they knew I could do it myself, but if it needed all of us, we all would have come.”
“Are they all ... is everyone in the family still alive? No one died when the Claws took Far Reach?”
He nodded. “Alect walks with a limp now and Helissa’s pretty face has a scar to give it some character. But we all survived. Except the old man, I guess. We’ll erect a monument for him with a shrike totem. He’ll like that. Here,” he said as he handed me the scarf, “Helissa sent this for you.”
“And you can survive out there? In the Forbidding?”
“We’re House Shrike, Aella. We’re relentless. You know that.”
I nodded along with him, winding the warm scarf around my neck. “That’s why I can’t go back. I’m being hunted by more than just you, Retger. I’m being hunted by one of the Winged Empire’s top Wings and he will drag me back to the crown prince one way or another.”
No need to say why was there? I wasn’t going to marry Juste. I’d rather slash my own throat. He would torture me in every way he could think of – both mentally and physically. I knew enough to know that.
“I’d like to see him try,” Retger said, flexing his powerful blacksmith-arms almost unconsciously. “I can outride any man there is and outfight at least half of them. I’ll watch your back Shrikeling, have no fear!”
It was so tempting. I could see us riding like the wind – maybe even taking the undertrails again – and leaving Osprey confused and lost. We could be free. We could join the rest of the family and I could be with my siblings and their children. We could carve a life for ourselves. And then what? What happened when the Winged Empire found us again? What happened when we ran out of necessary supplies? What happened when someone was injured or hurt or if the Forbidding got too strong for us? What then? Just running away wouldn’t change things. It couldn’t.
“I want you all to be safe. But more than that, I want you to be free. To have weapons to defend yourselves,” I said.
“We had a hidden stash.”
“To be able to get more when those are broken or old. To be able to get supplies as needed without being in hiding. To say what you want without fear of retribution. To raise the little ones to love freedom and our way of living.”
“We can have that.” He was trying to convince me. He put his hands on my upper arms as if he wished he could physically lift me and fly me away with him. Like Osprey could.
“We can’t. Not while the Empire has Far Stones. Not while all our trade goes through them. Not while they rule with an iron fist.”
“That’s why there’s a Single Wing, Aella. To fight for that.” His earnestness was almost pleading now.
“And who is going to fight with them?”
He clenched his jaw in agreement, looking away.
“You know that, Retger. And you probably think it isn’t worth talking about because I’m too young.”
“Exactly.” He met my eyes again. His fire raging against my fire. We were both too stubborn to back down.
“But I’ve met the Single Wing. I know they’re out there. We can fight together.”
“Having a few passionate people on your side doesn’t fix things. And even if it did, that would be a talk for grown men to have, Aella, not teen girls.” His brown eyes were pleading now.
I crossed my arms over my chest. My whispers growing louder with my frustration.
“It’s a discussion for me to have because I’m part of this now.” My bees buzzed louder within my chest. One of them slipped out of my control, buzzing frantically around us, bumping into shoulders and ears in its enthusiasm. “I’m a symbol to them because of the bees. A spark to ignite the flame.”
“They want to use you?” He sounded appalled. His hands dropped from my arms and one ran through his tangled curls.
“They want to fight with me! And we need a general, Retger. And I know exactly where to find one. Well, maybe not exactly, but I know there is one stashed in a tower around here. And we are going to Glorious Ingvar to read the old records and find out where the tower is.”
“You sound crazy,” he said, running his hand over his face as if he could make me see sense just by looking all angst-filled and haunted. “Are you even listening to yourself?”
“Yes. I am.” I was getting frustrated now. “I’ve been telling myself this while I fled forest fires and snake manifestations and the original residents of this land.”
“What?”
Three more bees poured out of my hands and flew dizzying rings around us.
“I’ve been telling myself this while I was tortured and mocked and pledged in marriage against my will to Juste Montpetit.”
“What?” This time, his word sounded furious. The hands came down and his brown eyes burned bright in the moonlight.
“I might sound crazy, but only because I know things most people don’t know and I’ve seen things they can’t see and that means I have a different way of looking at all the rest. It’s not crazy, Retger. It’s accurate. Which is why I have to keep going. Even though I want to come home with you. Even though I want to see everyone again. Even though it might seem like there’s nothing more that I could possibly want, I do want something more – I want to give my family freedom, and to do that, I have to fight this fight and I have to win, Retger. It’s me against the Winged Empire and it will never stop until one of us wins and the other dies.”
He blew a long breath out, shaking his head, but I kept talking.
“That’s why I can’t go with you. Because it would be selfish. It could spell the end of our family, and even if the Wing didn’t hunt me down and kill our family trying to get me, I would still know that I could have helped to give you all a future, but I was too scared to try. I can’t do that, Retger. I have to stay and fight. Even if I seem too young to you. I’m not. I’m growing up fast.”
He was quiet for long moments as my bees hummed and danced around him.
“Fine,” he said, eventually, and when he looked up his jaw was clenched with determination. “But at least tell me we can do it on horseback. I don’t want to let this pair go free when I’ve fought so hard to bring them here.”
I hugged him suddenly and fiercely and he grunted hard.
“Thank you, Retger!” I said.
“At least let me get some sleep before dawn,” he grumbled. He was always grumbly when he was trying to hide strong emotions.