“The wolf needs to be let out. It needs to run and be free, and if you don’t allow that to happen, eventually it will take over by force, and when it does, you’ll be feral. Stuck in wolf form and a danger to all around you.”
Was this why they needed miasma? Was this why they were forced to make pacts with covens? To stay sane. To stay in control of the wolf inside. I’d told the guys I’d accept my Loup side, and at the time, I’d meant it, but then Lucas had happened…the wolf had killed him… I’d lost control…We’d lost control.
I would never have hurt him if I’d been in control.
I exhaled heavily.
I’m no killer, not unless it’s to protect. I will kill to protect us. To protect those we love. I will never cower.
Her sincerity vibrated through me. Her conviction resonated with me.
I raised my eyes to lock with Grayson’s concerned ones. “You’ll teach me how to do this? How to be a Loup and be myself.”
He nodded. “It’s the only way for you to become one with your primal beast.”
Why was he looking at me like that, like he was trying to see through me, into me, like he was trying to find her?
Because he is. Because he can sense me. Because he wants me.
The clawing in my abdomen kicked up again. Her… It was her. It had always been her. And then the pulse between my thighs began to thud hungrily. Grayson’s nostrils flared, and his husky eyes brightened in what looked like triumph.
I took a hasty step away from him.
His chest rose and fell on an inhalation, and then he tucked in his chin. “I won’t hurt you, Fee.”
“I know. I just. Where is Azazel?” My voice sounded funny, higher-pitched and shaky.
I looked to the door, and as if on cue, Azazel entered the room.
He stopped and looked from me to Grayson. “Is everything all right?” He walked over to me.
Grayson arched a brow, leaving me to answer.
I smiled tightly. “I’m fine.” And I was now that Azazel was back. “What happens now?”
Azazel’s mouth turned down slightly. “Now, you leave with Grayson.”
Grayson reached into his pocket. “I’ll call a car.” He left the room, leaving Azazel and me alone.
I turned to my unofficial soulmate. “Isn’t there some way I can come back with you? I could check in with Grayson to learn about the Loup stuff.”
He looked pained. “You know you can’t. You’re on bail.”
Yeah, I knew that. “Can’t blame a girl for trying.” I puffed out my cheeks. “So, I guess our chat about…” I touched my chest where the mark was. “Will have to wait.” He cupped my shoulders and pressed his forehead to mine. “The bond not being made official doesn’t change the fact it exists. I’ll be checking in on you, and I promise you, I will find Lucas.”
“I can help look for him.”
“No,” he said. “You need to focus on mastering your Loup side. Let us work on proving your innocence.”
“And what then? Say you prove my innocence, what happens then?”
His throat bobbed, and my gut twisted. I pulled away so I could look at his face.
“Azazel?”
“You’re part of the Regency Pack now. You’re an outlier. You’re bound by their laws.”
No. I didn’t want this. “I’m a Dominus too. I’m part demon. I mean celestial intervention and all. I was destined to be a Dominus. I want to be a Dominus.”
He stepped closer. “I know, and we’ll figure something out.”
But we both knew the only way for me to be free was to fight and gain protected rogue status. And we both knew I wasn’t ready. Not yet. “I’ll do it. I’ll fight. I just. I need to get used to this thing inside me.”
Thing?
Go away. “I want to come home.”
“Home…” His gaze softened. “You think of the Underealm as home.”
No, it was more than that. It had become more than that. “I think of you guys as home. You, Conah, and Mal. You guys are my home, and I belong with you.”
His mouth pressed in a thin line, and determination colored his features. “Yes. You do, and once this is over, that’s exactly where you’ll be.”
His gaze was intense now, focused on me in such a way that made my heart lurch and my body heat. The mark on my chest tingled, and I pressed my palm to his chest, sliding it up the side of his neck and then to his jaw where I allowed my thumb to sweep across his bottom lip. I wanted to kiss him goodbye. I wanted to kiss him full stop.
He didn’t make a move, didn’t back away, hell, I wasn’t sure he was breathing. He was letting me do this. Allowing me to touch him. Who knew how long it would be before I saw him again? Days, weeks. Probably sooner, to be honest, but would we be alone? Excuses, excuses. Because I wanted to do this. I wanted to kiss him.
I pushed up on tiptoes and brushed his lips with mine in a butterfly kiss. His mouth parted, and his breath mingled with mine. Heart pounding in my ears, breath trapped in my lungs, I did it again, lingering this time, molding my mouth to his and savoring the feel of him. I flicked my tongue out to taste him, sweeping it across the seam of his mouth, then gasped when his tongue met mine.
His ragged moan spilled into my mouth, and then his arms were around me, lifting me off my feet and crushing me to him as he took over and deepened the kiss. He was savage, brutal, and dangerous, but he kissed me like I was a fine wine he needed to savor. Every inch of my mouth was loved, and tingles spread across my jaw to settle behind my ears before traveling down my neck and over my chest to tighten my nipples into aching nubs. I slid my hands into his hair, fisting it to pull him closer, wanting to crawl under his skin and become one with him. The connection between us pulsed and throbbed through me, filling me, and then desire smashed into me, potent, dangerous, and ravenous.
Azazel tore his mouth from mine, breaking the intense connection, and slowly, carefully released me as if I were a bomb that could detonate if he made a sudden move.
Despair, longing, and fear hit me next, stealing my breath, and then the emotions were gone, leaving me empty and confused.
His shields…I’d cracked his shields for a moment.
“Fee…This can’t happen between us,” he said. “It’s not safe for you.”
My chest heated with irritation. “Because of Lilith? So, we don’t tell her about it. You said she rarely comes to Necro or the quarters.”
“It’s more complicated than that, Fee. I’m her son. If we soul bond, she will know, and she’ll want to meet you.”
She hadn’t cared to meet the Dominus who’d taken over from Peiter but would take time to meet a random demon? “Fine, then we find another witch. Someone who can hide who I am from her.”
“There is no one.”
“So, what happens when Conah gets married?” The words almost stuck in my throat, but I forged on. “How will I attend? I assume she’ll be there.”
“You won’t attend. You’ll be the designated Dominus who gets left behind.”
It seemed he had an answer to everything, and it hit me, maybe he just didn’t want to make this official. Fuck, look at me, pushing and pushing like a desperate ho. Maybe he was just trying to let me down gently.