My brother’s soul, in the grand scheme, was worth a lot more than mine.
As my bride-induced paranoia knew no bounds, I texted my father, an older man who’d stepped in when my parents had died years ago. The request to bring his parents’ rings would be the icing on the wedding cake for him, even if my brother and his goon of a bride didn’t manage to screw up their rings.
My father would consider forgiveness in exchange for a son-in-law. He’d be a long time waiting for that disaster to happen, but if he hadn’t figured that out on his own, he hadn’t been paying attention for the past ten years of my life.
It occurred to me we might have worse problems on our hands than a runaway bride out to ruin the wedding. I texted my mother just to make certain my brother showed up for his big day.
Our parents would be rolling in their graves over my brother’s poor choice of bride. The first chance I got, I’d visit their tombstones and tell them all about the woman who’d turned Matthew’s life upside down.
Amy stared at me, and I kept on smiling. Careful to keep my tone pleasant, I asked, “What is the situation with the florist?”
“They’re the only thing not ruined.”
Not only would I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I’d have tea with the devil to negotiate my takeover of hell before the day was through. Several pings on my phone drew my attention to the screen, with Clarice, Wolfgang, and Ben promising to come to my rescue. My father, in his text, informed me he would bring the rings and recruit Mom to herd Matthew and ensure he showed up without incident.
I wondered if I should warn Dad Matthew might be hungover. On second thought, I wouldn’t.
Matthew could handle the Wrath of Mom if she smelled lingering alcohol on his breath.
“The replacement stylist should be here soon. I have a seamstress friend capable of performing miracles, and I’m sure I can handle the rest. If you have any concerns, let me know.”
“I might be pregnant.”
With how often my brother shacked up with his thoroughbride, I wasn’t surprised. “Have you told Matthew yet?”
“No.”
“Well, you won’t be partaking of the wine fountain. You can surprise him as a wedding gift. Congratulations. Also, that’s not a concern. Matthew loves children.” I’d consider it the one thing that might go right in the day.
“It’s probably not his. He uses condoms religiously.”
I’d seen brides with cold feet before, but none quite like Amy. I had no idea on what planet she thought she was fooling anyone; the woman didn’t have time for a tryst, and she’d spent every waking moment trying to piss me off or banging my brother.
But if she wanted to play games, I’d play. “Fortunately for you, Matthew loves children.”
Her mouth dropped open, and I snapped a photo of her to immortalize the moment I’d rendered the bridezilla speechless. In the time it took her to recover, Wolfgang arrived, his expression the ultimate mask of excitement. “Is this jewel the bride?”
Wolfgang needed to have his head examined as soon as the wedding was over. “She sure is. Work your magic, Wolfgang. I’ve a dress and bridesmaids to wrangle.”
No matter what, the only disaster at my brother’s wedding would be Amy.
Amy concocted a thousand excuses to put the brakes on the wedding, testing my limits, pushing my buttons, and ultimately forcing my hand an hour before showtime. We shared a room with Amy’s three poor bridesmaids, who would have to witness the moment I transformed into a dragon and breathed fire.
Amy’s friends had already lost their will to live, their dead eyes watching while they waited for the worst.
They had no idea how determined I could be—or how ruthless.
I’d enjoy teaching them why underestimating me was a bad idea.
I smiled, and if Amy had any sense in her head, she would’ve recognized it as a warning she was about to have her ass handed to her. “Amy, my brother spent fifty-one thousand dollars on this wedding to make you happy. Go ahead. Try to run. I’ll haul your ass to the altar myself. If you want to divorce him tomorrow, fine. That’s your problem. I don’t care if you break Matthew’s heart tomorrow. But today? You’re getting married. You wanted this fancy wedding, and if you want to be a bitch, you’ll do so at the altar. Maybe you have the integrity of a newt, but if you’re going to spit in my brother’s face, you will do so where all five hundred guests, including your father’s top investors, can witness how unreliable and petty you really are. So. Are you walking with your father down the aisle? The other option is a literal ball and chain. I’m sure the ladies wouldn’t mind helping me lug it to the altar.”
Amy’s mouth dropped open, and her eyes widened to the point she ran risk of them popping out of her head. Her friends gasped.
The pretty blonde, a woman I believed had more money than sense, smirked, and her expression led me to believe I’d misjudged Kate. At least, I thought her name was Kate. She’d wisely dodged most of the preparations.
“It weighs eighty pounds and cost me a small fortune.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” Amy whispered, and I savored the doubt in her tone.
“I dare. Go on. Try me. I’m in shorter heels, a better dress, and I’ve already requested backup. And if that isn’t enough to convince you, I’ve made a list of every expense leading up to your special day. I have your father’s cell phone number and his personal email address. Nice man, your father. It wouldn’t take me long to expose everything.”
Amy paled, and only her obsessive-compulsive suntanning disorder kept her from matching her dress. “You wouldn’t.”
“I worked too damned hard on this wedding to watch you ruin it by refusing to go to the altar like some spoiled brat who is just realizing life is work. If you want to chicken out during the vows, go for it. But you’re walking to that damned altar, and you’ll do so at the stately, dignified pace we practiced for hours yesterday. The entire way to the altar. We clear?”
The thoroughbride-turned-bridezilla gulped. “We’re clear.”
I turned to Kate. “If she looks like she’s going to run, trip her and sit on her long enough for me to fetch the ball and chain.”
“You got it,” the woman replied. When she smiled, I recognized the expression as one of satisfaction.
“Caterina! You’re siding with her?”
“Damn straight I’m siding with her. She’s right. Also, sure, you might be pregnant, but we all know you’re too much of a chickenshit to cheat on Mat. The condom probably broke, and you puked up your birth control because you have the common sense of a rock. Don’t screw this up being stupid. Frankly, it’s a miracle you got another chance at this. Just do your part. You’ll thank us later.”
I appreciated Kate’s optimism, but I doubted Amy would ever forgive me for ruining her plans to skip out on her extravagant wedding. Oh, well. I didn’t care what she thought. I wasn’t the one marrying her.
I just wanted my brother to be happy, and I’d do a lot more than chain a runaway bride to give him what his heart wanted.
Amy made one final attempt to abandon ship, and I caught her halfway out the window. A single clearing of my throat froze my brother’s future wife in place, one knee braced against the windowsill.