The door in the back of my mind was hard steel. The cold silver metal was closed shut with a heavy steel lock, a key tight in its opening. I inhaled deeply and twisted the key in the hole where it lived. A resounding click rung throughout my mind and for a second, I hesitated. But then with one sweep of my mind’s hand the doors flew open and I was engulfed.
The images that poured out almost caused me to forget myself. The crunch of bodies smashing against the pavement. Blood spilling out of fresh cuts. Gun shots fired. The sharp deep pain of a knife slipping in. Then there was the screaming. The screaming was unbearable. High pitched wails of unspeakable terror and gurgling breaths. Any sane person would have gone insane by the chaos of images that played havoc in my mind. They barely cause an emotional reaction from me anymore. It sometimes made me wonder if that makes me a sociopath.
I dug my nails into the palms of my hands and the physical pain of them biting into my flesh pulled me back into myself. I shoved all of the images back into the room and slammed the door, the force of it vibrated through my mind. With the visions safely behind the metal door I could finally breathe again. I took a deep breath and clicked the lock back into its place.
Touching my face, I felt the wetness there and almost glared down at it. I never cry. I learned a long time ago that crying didn’t change anything. It didn’t bring people back. It certainly didn’t stop the visions from happening. But today, today it was necessary. I glanced back at the list and started to punch in my aunt’s number.
It almost felt good to cry.
Chapter 2
In my short eighteen years of life I have seen more death and destruction than most war veterans. I would rather face an onslaught of bleeding soldiers than face the crowd of mourners before me. Death I could handle, people…not so much.
Mom would have been happy so many had come to mourn her death. She has way more friends than me. Which wasn’t exactly hard since I’d only ever had one friend. Nicole Berman. Or Nikki to her friends, meaning me. Nikki actually was the only one at the funeral home I was happy to see. The rest could go find a shallow grave to lie in.
Unlike my somber personality, Nikki was a breath of Jewish sunshine. From her dark curly mass of hair all the way down to her sensible “got them on sale” shoes. She really was my lifeline in this world. She’s helped me more than once from getting completely lost in my own sinking pit of carnage. To top it off she was completely aware of my little ‘gift’ and had no problem telling me where to stuff it when I tried to warn her off of any guy who was doomed to die in the foreseeable future. We actually met because of a guy, back in sixth grade when all the other kids avoided me like a bad case of cooties.
I’d been hanging out by the swing sets watching the other kids playing kickball. I’d never been a joiner to begin with, but it would have been nice to be asked to play sometimes. But by then I had already been labeled as that scary blonde girl. I had made the mistake of telling this one girl, Jessica, that her new puppy was going to get its head chopped off by her dad’s weed whacker that weekend. Ever since then not too many people talked to me if they could help it.
Nikki wasn’t like them. She had been a transfer student, so all the boys were in that new toy phase with her. This one boy in particular, David Bartelli, who was like the Joe Jonas of Ms. Johnson’s sixth grade class, was hard core for Nikki. He even brought her flowers one day. It would have been sweet if I hadn’t already known that David would die later that year from a bad outbreak of measles.
I probably should have kept my mouth shut. Probably. Who knows maybe my vision was wrong that time and David would have grown up to be a charming man who would have married Nikki and brought her flowers every day for the rest of their lives. But at that point in time David was a conceited little brat and stole Twinkies out of my lunch box every day.
So, when I saw Nikki heading over to where David was hanging out with his other equally stuck up friends I had to intervene. I mean, it was my civic duty to let Nikki know just how short term of a relationship she was in for. When I told her she just looked at me like I was the most fascinating thing in the whole world. From that point on we had been inseparable.
“Great party.” Speak of the devil. I loved her sense of humor. It was one thing we actually had in common. She liked to see the glass as half full, but most of the time it comes out as demented as me.
I smirked at her when I thought nobody was looking. “Killer.”
She giggled causing the older adults around us to glare back at her. She glared right back at them. “Livin’ up would you, it’s not like we’re at a funeral or something.” She turned her head back to me and quirked a brow. “So, how long did you know?”
“Jeez Nik, get right down to it, won’t you?”
She snorted and waved a hand at me. “Whatever, like you haven’t had enough people coddling you already.” She gestured to the group of relatives fawning over my mother’s coffin. “You could use a break from the sympathy wagon.”
She grabbed my hand and led me toward one of the side exits of the funeral home. I tried to dodge people the best I could, but a few brushed me here and there causing my vision to blur out momentarily. As we burst out the side door and out into the open air, I made a mental note to spend more time with Uncle Bob. Liver failure. Didn’t need to be a psychic to figure that one out. Though, I’d be an alcoholic too if I had to live with Aunt Kate’s criticism.
I leaned against the brick walls of the funeral home and dipped my hand into my clutch, my pack of cigarettes soon finding their way into my hand. Sweet reprieve. I didn’t know if I could have handled one more nugget of the future today without a nicotine fix.
“You really should quit, you know?”
I gave Nikki a pointed look as I light the end of the stick in my mouth and took a big inhale. She has never approved of my smoking. Cancer and all that.
“When I no longer have near death experiences on a daily basis, I will gladly give up my nicotine, but until that day comes you can kindly fuck off.” I blew smoke in her direction to punctuate my point.
She let out a small cough and waved her hand in front of her. “Hey, just because you want to die young doesn’t mean the rest of us do.”
I gave her an apologetic shrug though she knows I was anything but. It’s no secret that I didn’t want to live longer than I had to. I would have gone off and ended it already if it hadn’t been for mom and Nikki. Well, only Nikki now.
“So has your dad showed up?” Nikki tucked her hands in the pockets of her long black dress pants. Her long legs really did astound me. Being five two most of my teenage life had me accustom to always looking up, but at nearly six-foot Nikki dwarfed me.
I took another drag of my cigarette and stared down at the ground. “No.” I wanted her to drop it. I didn’t really want to see him. Didn’t know what I’d have said if I did.
“Well, what did he say when you talked to him?” My eyes snapped up to hers, I could feel my gaze harden. She wasn’t going to drop it.
“I didn’t.”
Nikki threw her curls over her shoulder and scoffed. “Meaning you didn’t try. I keep telling you, sometimes you have to be the first one to reach out if you ever want to have a real relationship with the man who helped create you.”