“It won’t be for love, Calder.” I stared back at him, my eyes wavering. “I’m well aware that I don’t have that luxury.”
He swore, and I realised that tears fell from my cheeks. When did that happen? I blinked as his face suddenly loomed before mine, his fingers rough against my cheeks, trying to control the sudden deluge. It felt incredible. I could feel every line etched into his fingertips. I could even hear it, scraping against my skin. I leaned into it, a noise jumping from my throat.
“We can have those other things?” It had been a question, but it fell from my lips like a plea. “We separate sometimes. We could … I could …”
“Ven.” He groaned out my name, his forehead against mine. “You don’t understand.”
“Help me understand.”
He nodded, bundling me into his arms, his hand against my ring, twisting it around my finger. We dropped back into our room within the Sky Keep, the empty bottle toppling from my lap to the ground as I struggled to find my footing. Calder helped me over to an armchair, which was quickly vacated with a jerk of his head—the three silk-wrapped women scampering to the other couch. He straightened away from me, turning and finding a seat on the couch across from me. The woman with the long blonde hair who had been sitting on his desk sauntered over, her lips stretching into a smile, her hands landing on his shoulders as she lowered herself onto his lap.
“Can I pour you a drink yet, Captain?” Her voice was as bare and soft as the silk slipping from her shoulder.
I was trembling, watching them. A sick feeling rose up inside me, tripling as Calder brushed his hand along her leg. His eyes drifted from me, to her.
“I have all I need right here.” He spoke in his usual stern tone.
His blue eye was cold as it caught hers, but his fingers spread out along the top of her thigh, flicking her scrap of silk to the side. I watched the tips of his fingers dig into her skin and heard her catch of breath.
Poisonous, acidic bile rushed into my mouth. I jolted up, pain fissuring into my chest.
“Stop,” I whispered, almost a cry.
His eyes returned to me, and I realised what I had done to him. What I had cursed him to.
We were two parts of a whole, unable to give away any more of ourselves to anyone else. We couldn’t be separated—we were already stretched tight, alright fighting against our own boundaries.
He turned back to the woman just as she began to drag her lips across his cheek, and my steps faltered as they met in a kiss. I fell to my knees, my hand curling uselessly against the armour covering my chest, a gasp of pain rasping into the back of my throat. Calder reacted with fury when the great masters touched me, but this wasn’t anger I was feeling. It was pain. The other half of me was being defiled.
I dropped my head into my hands as his voice cut through the room, his rough hands sliding down over my arms.
“Everyone out,” he ordered, gathering me back up into his arms. “That’s enough experimentation for one night.”
Four
Skin
As soon as the room cleared, I pushed Calder away. It didn’t matter that I was in desperate need of his comfort. I was suddenly angry. At him, or our connection, or maybe even my own weakness. I ran to the washroom and closed the door behind me, leaning against it to settle myself with deep, dizzying breaths. When I looked up again, I found myself faced with a dress hanging from the wall. It was pure gold, like a statue. There was a golden shield over the midsection, wings sprouting out to wrap around the sides and back. From that solid piece, the rest of the dress hung. A thin material—so translucent it was almost impossible to tell the gold colour of it—formed a skirt. Wisps of the same material draped from the top of the winged bodice. I blinked at it, realising that Vidrol must have sent it for me to wear to the festival—he was very concerned with what I wore when I attended the Sky Keep. I looked down at my leathers almost mournfully, fiddling with the buckles. I squinted, the buckles slipping through my fingers. I couldn’t get a grip on anything. Frustrated, I pulled the dress down and stepped into it, pulling it up over my leathers. It wouldn’t fit—the metallic bodice had been created to fit against my body closely, and there was too much armour in the way. I heard something tear, and then I gave up, holding the dress up as far as I could get it before dragging myself back into the sitting room. I glanced at the windows either side of the bed as I passed through the bedroom, frowning at how dark it appeared.
“How long was I just in there?” I asked, confused, tripping back into the sitting room.
Calder was pacing by the door, already dressed. He must have cajoled the formalwear out of one of the Sentinel guards, because he certainly hadn’t brought anything with him.
“Two hours.” He stopped pacing, his eyes going wide on me.
I frowned. “What? No, I only just walked in there.”
“What are you wearing!” It wasn’t a question, but an accusation.
“I need help.”
“You really do.”
He approached me, and I cocked my head at his clothing. He wore formal pants and had replaced his usual stomach armour with a silk sash. Braided cords crossed over his chest, which was still bare, widening to sashes that crossed over his back, each side attached to the silk wrapping his lower torso. They were in the colours of the King’s guard—royal blue, gold trim. The King’s emblem graced the front of his sash.
“Why do you get to dress like a Vold?” I asked grumpily.
He was trying to untangle the delicate silk of my dress from where I had apparently tried to thread it through one of my leather buckles.
“Because I’m not their toy. You are.”
It sounded like an insult, but I wasn’t sure. He looked like he was frowning, but he might also have been smiling.
“I’ve lost it,” I told him, a whisper. “Gone completely bonkers.”
“Bonkers?” He straightened before me, his hand catching my cheek, tilting my face to his. He seemed to be examining my eyes. “Shit. You’re all pupil. Were you supposed to drink that entire bottle?”
Something bubbled from my lips. A laugh?
“No idea,” I said, as he finally managed to extract my dress from my armour. “He should have put a warning label on it, but then it wouldn’t be a possibility, would it? Me drinking too much and poisoning myself? They like to keep their options open.”
He sighed, turning me around. He pushed the dress to the ground and then started unravelling my arm wraps. He removed the armour sitting against my shoulders, unbuckled me from my breastplate, and then he removed the layers of my skirt, setting everything aside. He knelt to my side to remove the wrappings around my knees and thighs, and I watched him with a considering look.
“I could stay like this forever,” I murmured. “We could find solutions for the Darkness. I could remain the final shield. If it can’t ever find me, it can’t ever destroy me. There will always be one final barrier to break down. Maybe it could be enough. You could have a life and I won’t even notice. Have babies. Have sex. Fall in love.”
“In that order?” he asked, a small tick at the corner of his mouth.
Was he laughing at me?