But that's the way it's been.
Maybe it's because he is dating another girl, but my parents don't seem to mind their daughter hanging out with a boy alone in her room. They've never questioned or objected to it, they just allowed it like it was no big deal. For that, I'll be forever thankful.
But Dylan is going to Cornell with Samantha, so I'll lose my best friend and my crush, all in one fell swoop by going to Hawaii.
Actually, if I'm one-hundred percent honest with myself, part of the reason why I want to go to Hawaii is to start fresh and find out who I am without Dylan at my side or defending me or being there to make sure that I was getting out and seeing people. I haven't really gotten to know who Guinevere Poole is since sophomore year.
As much as it scares me to possibly lose my best friend, I know that I have to get over my crush on him, and it's not going to happen while he's sitting two feet away from me on my bed. I keep imagining me going over there and kissing him and then kissing turns into more and then we'd be an item.
Then again, Samantha is a nice person. And Dylan is no cheater.
So I'd never put the two of them through something like that, even though it certainly feels like my heart is breaking.
No, I need to get completely out of my element and do something new.
To me, that means going out to Hawaii, facing my fear of the ocean, and finding out who I truly am. Without my best friend and without the expectations about who I am and should be.
Just who is Gwen Poole?
And the honest answer is, I have no idea and I haven’t known for a while.
A tap at my window draws our attention over to it, and there's Samantha crouched on the eaves outside of my room. Seeing that we have noticed her, she waves impatiently and beckons for someone to come let her in. Dylan gets up and opens the window to let her in.
I long ago gave up any hope of having screens on my windows.
"You're going to kill yourself one of these days," he chides her as she comes through head-first.
She gives him a playful glance as she practically crawls forward. It's a practiced movement that she's done pretty much four times a week since she and Dylan started dating. I'm sure my parents know that I have people sneaking in and out of my room on school nights, but they don't seem to mind. Thankfully.
"Speak for yourself," she mutters. "I'm fine."
Now, situated in my room, she gets to her feet and brushes off her Lululemon leggings and three-hundred-dollar tennis shoes before giving me a wide smile. "Hey," she says in her chipper way that makes everyone stop what they're doing and listen to her. There's a reason why she's the most popular girl in school -- she's genuinely nice and sweet and cares about people. And even though she's with my crush, I can't help but adore my newfound friend as well. "What's happening in here? I'm sensing some tension."
I open my mouth to answer, but Dylan cuts me off.
"Gwen wants to go to the University of Hawaii."
There's a pause as she digests this information, blinks a few times, before that smile is back. "Hawaii?" She grabs my hands. "When did that happen, Gwen?" She sits on the edge of my bed, giving me her undivided attention.
Looks like my calculus homework will have to wait.
I lift a shoulder, acting like I'm not too fussed about the life-changing decision that I want to make.
"I don't know. I mean, I'm only going to go to college once in my life, and..."
She nods sympathetically. "I totally get that. I'm going to University of Missouri because I'll get a full ride there through my dad--"
Dylan clears his throat, and she rolls her eyes. "--and because Dylan will be going there, too. But you only get to be this age once in your life." She winks. "Do what makes you happy, Gwen."
So I'm at a fifty percent approval of the two people who I've told about my plans. "Thanks."
"She's never been to Hawaii, though," Dylan points out. "And she's afraid of the ocean."
Samantha turns her gaze over to him and shakes her head. "So? Hawaii is more than just beaches and ocean. And maybe you'll overcome your fear of the ocean, right, Gwen?"
My throat is dry as I swallow back a lump. "Sure."
If this does end up working out to where I can attend the university there, I'd probably have to go into the sea at some point. But I still have nightmares about being pulled under. Of shadows of huge monsters underneath the sea waiting for me. Promising what would happen if I ever set foot there again.
Just because I'm on an island paradise doesn't mean that I have to go to the beach, right?
No, this will be your chance to realize that was just a bad dream, Gwen. You were underwater for a long time and could have imagined it all.
Right. Because nothing like that happens in my life.
My unease is picked up by Dylan, who lets out a guffaw. "You're already scared thinking about that, Gwen."
"I mean, it's just been a long while since I set foot in the ocean," I say, trying to brush off his words.
But he continues frowning and exchanges a glance with Samantha. And Samantha squeezes my hand encouragingly. "Well, you don't have to figure it out right now. Maybe wait to see what other places are going to accept your applications. You've applied to other places, right?"
I nod, lying.
I haven't. I just applied to Hawaii. Throwing caution to the wind and putting all my future into one application.
I can't explain why, either. It's a very un-Gwen thing to do, to do something so reckless and so foreign to me.
But at the same time, it just feels right.
Dylan watches me, and I swear, he can read my thoughts. I never could keep secrets from him, so I just look away and focus solely on Samantha. "It'll be fun," I tell her, and she laughs and nods.
"Definitely. Dylan and I will have to visit you. Right, Dylan?" She elbows her boyfriend, who barely flinches.
"Right," he mutters.
He looks like he wants to say something else, but I hear my mother's voice rise up from the kitchen downstairs. "Gwen! Dinner!"
I glance at the clock and it's nearly eight o'clock. We always have dinner late at the Poole household, as I'm usually busy with schoolwork and my parents have intense jobs that keep them working late.
"Do you guys want to hang around for dinner?" I ask Samantha and Dylan. On occasion, they have joined me at dinner -- Dylan especially -- and my parents haven't questioned it. Mom always makes tons of food for leftovers.
Samantha shakes her head. "Can't. I basically came over here to collect Dylan. We have a group project to work on." She takes his arm. "Coming?"
He hesitates, and I can see the conflict in his eyes, between following his girlfriend or staying with his best friend. But, as it has been ever since he started dating Samantha, he nods and smiles at her. "Of course."
And the butterflies in my stomach die. He'll always choose Samantha over me.
I really, really need to get over my damn crush on him.
I suck down my disappointment and get to my feet. "I'll talk to you guys later, then. Do you want to go through the front door?"
Samantha shakes her head. "Nah, I like going through the window. Makes me feel a little naughtier than I am. Especially since Dylan's house only has one story."