“You don’t sound excited.” Ruri frowns at me, combing her hands along her braid. “Last time I saw you, it was all you wanted."
I open my mouth to reply, but my throat aches with emotion at the memory. I swallow instead.
Ruri glances over her shoulder, looking through the gaps in the stairs. “Come on. Let's set the table.”
She stands and gestures for me to follow. We move away from the others to the far side of the room where a long table and two benches sit in the shadows. Ruri slides a stack of dishes toward me, and I silently start laying them out at each place.
“You’re struggling,” she says quietly. It's not a question.
I nod, then exhale. “It’s not like the other empaths I knew in the Defiance, Ruri. I don’t just sense other people’s emotions. I actually feel them.” I place another plate, and the crockery knocks against the wooden table. “Trying to block it out gives me headaches, and most of the time, I can’t anyway.” I lower my voice to a whisper. “That’s not normal, is it?”
Ruri’s eyes narrow. “Night mages have it hard at first, when our magic is new. You just need training. If you come back to the Defiance with me–”
“I can’t go back.”
Ruri scoops up a fistful of silverware with a clatter. “You don’t need to worry about them sending you away again. They’ll have to train you now you have magic.”
“I’m not going back because I don’t want to.” The words sound harsh as they leave my lips. But my time at the Defiance stirs memories better left untouched. I clutch the remaining plates to my chest.
Ruri’s smile falters as she places forks and knives at each table setting, not looking at me. “Why not, Cass? If it’s Perran, I’ll–”
“Perran didn’t want me there all those years ago,” I interrupt. “I don’t see his view changing now that I’m an empath.”
“That’s not true.” She gives me a sympathetic look. “And even if it were, things are different now. You’re a mage. Who cares when you had your Awakening? You belong there as much as Timo or I do. And trust me, Cass, you’ll need training to help control it. I know what it’s like to have magic linked to your mind. You saw how hard I had to train when we were younger.”
“I…” I swallow, my throat suddenly tight. The thought of finally belonging at the Defiance is tantalizing, but I’m not that little girl anymore. My dreams have changed. “I don’t know, Ruri,” I whisper. “I like my life traveling with Gee.” I look toward my grandmother, who’s playing with Letty, and a smile softens my lips. “It’s simple. Easy. I get to see the world. If I went back to the Defiance, what would I do? Train with the children?”
Ruri purses her lips. “Maybe at first. But once you learn control, you can do whatever you want – hone your magic, teach, plot ways to reinstate the Guild.”
I try to imagine that life. Living back in the desert canyonlands, hidden from the rest of Myrsia. My father had lived that life, although he’d refused to stay hidden like the other mages, instead going out on unsanctioned missions, using his gift to help people.
But my dad had been a healer. What good could I do as empath?
I set down the final plate, chewing on my bottom lip. Ruri places a fork and knife on either side.
“You’ll get to hang out with me and Kip.” Ruri nudges me in the side, her tone playful. “We’ll outnumber him again. It’ll take all of our efforts to keep his ego in check, thanks to those showy elemental powers of his.”
I smile at the hopeful look lighting her face. “Doesn’t sound like you’ll have much time to hang out with a novice. Not if you’re going on this secret mission Timo was talking about.”
“Ah, the secret mission.” She grins. “Turns out telepaths make for the best spies. Fox was furious when she found out I’d been chosen instead of her.”
I snort. “Now that I’d have liked to see.”
The scrape and hiss of a match fills the air between us as Ruri lights the long, tapered candles on the table. “Tell me you’ll think about it, Cass."
The table glows in small pools of golden light. I don’t have time to think about it. Not with her leaving tonight. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need time to think about it. Seeing Ruri again has been nice, our friendship just as easy and familiar as it had always been, but I don’t want to go back. I can’t. I’ll figure out this magic stuff with Gee.
“Okay. I’ll think about it,” I lie.
Ruri plants her hands on her hips and gives me a disbelieving look, though whether she can read the lie on my face or in my mind, I don’t know.
“I’ll think about it,” I say again, forcing a lightness into my voice.
Ruri’s shoulders drop as she appraises me in the flickering candlelight.
“Stew’s ready!” Espen hollers from the kitchen, saving me from her reply.
Even though I swore I wouldn’t eat it, Espen’s stew is too delicious to resist. Kensa is quiet through dinner and only picks at her food. She watches Timo and Ruri laughing and chatting, a sad smile on her lips. Her children will be safe in the desert with the Defiance, but they won’t be with her.
After the table is cleared, I fetch the star chart and books from my bag. I’m anxious to get up to the enclave, but Kensa is equally eager to hear her baby daughter’s casting.
The village tower chimes six bells as I spread Letty’s natal star chart across the rough, wooden table.
By the fire, Gee reclines in the armchair, rocking the baby’s cradle with her foot. She reads from a book of fey tales, regaling Timo with a story about a dragon hunter. He lies on his stomach on the rug in rapt attention, chin in his hands. The flames from the hearth flicker in his wide eyes. Even Espen, drying dishes in the corner, listens in.
With a sigh, Kensa drops onto the bench opposite me, her loose maternity gown billowing on either side of her. Ruri slides in next to her. When I see them side by side, the mother-daughter resemblance is obvious, despite their hair color differing like night and day. They smile at me with the same full lips, the same long nose crinkling as their pale blue eyes roam the parchment in front of them.
I swivel the star chart to face them, weighing down the edges with books to stop them curling.
“You always had a knack for this stuff.” Ruri flicks her dark braid over her shoulder as her gaze runs over the circle and lines I’ve drawn. “I’m surprised you never became a Sister of Celestial Devotion yourself.”
I’ve always been drawn to the stars. They’re practically my second language. They give me a way to understand the world and the lives entwined in it.
I find it somehow reassuring to know we all bear an imprint of the moment we spark to life. The exact position of the stars, sun, and planets as we take our first breath.
I smooth a hand across the parchment where I’ve carefully inked a decoded map of the sky at the exact moment of Letty’s birth two weeks ago.
I can sense Kensa’s agitation, her leg bouncing as she leans forward over her clasped hands.
“Where should I start?” I ask her.