And yet, he had asked me. He’d met me in this dusty old store. He knew – or at least probably could make a decent guess – the financial tier that my income fell into (he would have been overestimating, regardless). Jeans and a t-shirt and a ponytail – that was Valerie Anne Johnson. That was me.
Penn hadn’t seemed to mind.
In fact, hadn’t he been wearing some rather torn-up looking jeans himself? I distinctly remembered the grease and dirt stains that had covered his own t-shirt (along with the way it had clung to his young, muscled arms and broad shoulders). Maybe his family threw fancy parties, but Penn certainly didn’t seem to be stuck up or self-entitled in any way.
Was it possible that this was just a nice event for a normal family, and I was overreacting to his words? Even regular people got dressed up occasionally, from what I knew. There wasn’t necessarily anything incredibly strange about looking nice for a party.
But I didn’t have a dress. I didn’t even have dressy pants, for that matter. And I was pretty sure that my regular flip-flops were less than acceptable, as were the work boots that Kate made me wear in the store for safety purposes. Other than that, I had a beat-up pair of sneakers and some fluffy pink house slippers that Kate had given me.
Those were my incredibly real options, and they were adding to my incredibly real breakdown that had overtaken me the moment I hung up with Penn. I was still crying – like a complete moron – when Kate came bustling out of the back.
“Hey, I think Murph is out for his afternoon nap –”
She stopped short when she saw me bent over the counter. I tried to raise my head and say something, but I didn’t know what to say. I was embarrassed, and I was tired. I was tired of life reminding me of my own worthlessness. I was tired of getting glimmering glimpses of something good, only to hate myself more when I realized that I’d never stood a chance at actually possessing that “something” to begin with.
“What on earth happened, Anne?” Kate cried out in alarm, nearly running across the store to me. She had me wrapped in a hug immediately.
“I can’t... I can’t go on this date... It’s fancy... It’s in Denver... It’s a city party... Penn said to dress up... I’ve never dressed up for anything in my entire life! I can’t go, Kate! No one will want me there!” The words tumbled out of me, intermixed with tears and ragged breathing.
“Hush... Hush, sweetie,” Kate cajoled, holding me to her tightly. “You do realize that Penn wants you there, right?”
“He said there would be ‘a crowd’,” I continued mournfully.
“Who cares? You don’t know those people and you don’t owe them anything, Anne. Do you understand me? Not a thing,” Kate declared, holding me away from her and looking me straight in the face.
“I don’t belong there,” I returned, regaining a tiny ounce of composure.
“You belong wherever you want to be, Valerie Anne. Don’t ever let anyone tell you any different. Now let’s go find you a dress.”
“My God, Anne. I haven’t been feeding you enough,” Kate announced, letting the long, emerald green evening gown fall to the floor.
It was “a relic” she’d said, from her younger days. There weren’t a lot of choices in Kate’s closet, but we’d both thought that this dress was the most promising. It didn’t seem to shout out its ancient status too horribly loudly, and the green made my eyes stand out in a pleasing manner. However, it draped over me like a curtain, seeking out the voluptuous body that I didn’t currently have.
“You’ve fed me plenty. I’ve put on at least fifteen pounds in the last four months,” I assured her – and it was true. I was decidedly more filled out than I’d been when Kate had found me at that rest stop. The sad part was that I could stand to gain the same fifteen a couple of times over again.
Randall had always made sure there was plenty of food in the kitchen – plenty of food for me to cook for him. He preferred me small – bony. I’d nearly turned anorexic trying to keep him happy. At some point I had realized that what he actually preferred was to keep me as small and as weak as possible, and there hadn’t been a way around that. You couldn’t “secretly” get physically stronger – not under Randall’s watchful eye.
I was trying now, but it would take time, and as far as this party was concerned – that was something that I didn’t have.
Add it to the list, Val. Add it to the list.
“I’ve got it! I know exactly what we’ll do!” Kate exclaimed, suddenly pushing hangers left and right while Murphy and I watched silently. Murphy thought this was just about the most entertainment he’d had in a very long time, and he clapped his hands gleefully while Kate dug back into the recesses of her closet. “Here!” She suddenly reappeared, her short hair sticking out in static-cling spikes.
I eyed the garment in Kate’s hands. “Kate, that’s a skirt...” I tilted my head, looking at her with confusion.
“It’s a bandeau skirt, and we’re going to turn it into something better!”
Within five minutes, the solid black bandeau skirt had transformed into a fitted, flattering bandeau dress. Kate cinched a thin gold belt around my waist, “classing it up”, as she put it.
“Where did you wear that green dress to, Kate?” I asked her suddenly, a wave of random, dreamy curiosity washing over me.
Kate froze, the nude heels she was holding falling to the ground.
“Don’t you wish you knew,” she chuckled, pulling herself back together instantly and dismissing my question altogether. She pushed the shoes towards me.
“Try those. They’re a size too big, but we can stuff some tissues into the toe. They’ll fit like a glove, and no one will ever know the difference.”
I smiled, knowing at some point Kate would give in and share her own torrid history with me. Probably.
“As long as I don’t have to walk anywhere these will work fine,” I agreed, giving her a wink in addition to my sarcasm.
Kate looked at her watch. “The way I see it, you have a good twenty-four hours to practice. Get goin’.”
I slid into the shoes, wobbling immediately like a wet noodle. Murphy was laughing again, and even Kate couldn’t help a small smile from creeping onto her face.
“This entire thing is a disaster,” I plopped down on Kate’s bed defeatedly. “I don’t know why I agreed to go. I mean, honestly Kate. What if someone sees me? Someone who knows someone I know?”
“Do you really think that anyone at this fancy Denver city party is going to know anyone from that little town in rural Tennessee? I know what you went through, Anne – and I know what you’re scared of. I’d be the first to tell you if I thought that this was a bad idea, but I just don’t see how it could endanger you or Murphy in any way at all. You’re young. You’re so young. You have to live your life, Anne. And in case you’ve forgotten – you are a beautiful girl. Penn may be the first boy to ask you out since you made it here – but he won’t be the last.” Kate’s face had grown serious, and she implored me with her dark eyes to listen.
I thought of Penn, with his warm, wide smile. I thought of the endearing way he’d spoken to me – obviously incredibly nervous, and I suspected also completely unfamiliar with the sensation. He seemed sweet... caring...