There’s a knock on the door, and I have to admit, a part of me is hoping it’s the grim reaper, here to put me out of my misery.
Like, he and his sharp scythe aren’t that intimidating.
They’re even kind of friendly looking if you really think about it.
Alas, it’s not him when the door swings open. “Hey there,” my nurse greets, going over to my cup of warm pee and dipping a test strip in it with gloved hands. I look on as she lays it on top of protective plastic across the edge of the sink and waits for the results.
“Everything looks normal,” she says, sounding almost disappointed. “Not pregnant.”
Good. I’m glad. I’d really have to fucking worry if I’d somehow turned up pregnant without even coming close to having sex. Still, she looks like it’s not the best of news, so I make sure I nip that in the bud.
“That’s good.”
She smiles kindly as she heads for the blood pressure cuff. “You two aren’t ready to try?”
I laugh. Am I high on drugs? What in the world is going on here? “What two?”
“You and Jake.” She flashes a knowing, amused grin. “He’s too funny. He was just making jokes out in the hall. You’re a lucky girl.”
I roll my eyes. He’s like a charm explosion all over this place. I, apparently, had my force field engaged beforehand, though.
“We’re not together,” I clarify.
She smiles like she doesn’t believe me. Whatever. I have no reason to try to convince this woman anyway. I’ll likely never see her again. At most, at my next annual appointment.
Thankfully, she moves on too. “Blood pressure is normal. Anything in particular you need to discuss with the doctor today?”
I shake my head. “Just my normal appointment.”
“Okay, great. She’ll be in shortly, then. Okay?”
I nod. Okay, Cheryl.
Laughter rings through the walls of the next room, and my head whips that direction so fast, I almost knock myself right off the top of the table. As it is, the paper makes a horrendously loud noise.
What is it, Comedy Hour in there?
I shake my head and pull my paper gown a little tighter. Still, a cool breeze blows across the bare skin of my vagina and makes me tense up.
He can’t hear me in here, can he? I mean, I can hear them laughing, but they’re being extra loud. There’s no way he can hear normal-volume conversation, right?
For the sake of my sanity, I agree with myself. He can’t hear me, and he definitely can’t see me. It’s just like any other awful trip to the gyno. I’ll just get my pap smeared, my boobs squeezed, and get the hell out of here. We probably won’t even leave at the same time, and by the time I see Jake Brent next, I’ll have had the chance to get some composure back.
A knock at the door startles me once again, but somehow, I find my voice. “Come in.”
The door pushes open, and the doctor steps in with a smile on her face. She’s shaking her head, and somehow, I just know Jake is the one responsible.
“Sorry,” she says with a laugh, her blond ponytail swinging. “We’re just cracking up out there. Cheryl says Jake’s your boyfriend.”
I grimace.
“Actually—”
“He’s a riot.”
I smile so fakely, it’s a miracle my face doesn’t shatter. “Oh yeah.”
Dr. Davenport doesn’t notice. “Anyway, let’s get this over with, shall we?”
I nod. Now that sounds like a splendid idea.
“Okay, just lie back for me. Scoot all the way down to the edge,” she instructs, turning to get her instruments ready.
I do as I’m asked, shimmying my way down the table, and my paper gown crinkles the whole way.
My instinct is to cross my legs, but I know better than that. This is the time to butterfly. Wide and open to the air, I’m to spread my vageen for all to see.
I can only hope, with the way this appointment’s gone so far, that Jake Brent doesn’t open the door and step inside right at this moment.
I shake my head and close my eyes. Why am I making this such a big deal? It’s not, obviously. It’s a coincidence. And Jake’s been friendly and fun. Clearly, everyone else is loving their time with him.
Maybe I just need to lighten up? Think of him without jumping to conclusions or getting all nervous.
I mean, it was great to see him smile so much. He’s got an undeniably great smile. It goes all the way to his blue-green eyes and lights up the room. And the ad was right—it makes the most perfect of wrinkled laugh lines at the sides of his eyes. Clearly, he’s like this all the time. Cutting up and having fun. He’s spent many, many years finding the mirth in life.
“Just relax,” Dr. Davenport instructs, putting gentle pressure on the insides of my knees as they’ve closed right up again. “You’re going to feel the pressure of my fingers, first outside and then in.”
I pull my lips into my mouth and stare at the ceiling. Nothing like the feeling of a stranger’s fingers as they root around inside you. Seriously, nothing like it.
“Good. Now, I’m going to use the speculum. Just take a couple deep breaths for me, okay?”
I nod. Oh goodie. The most fun part of all.
“Relax,” she instructs again as I feel my muscles go full-on boa constrictor. I take a deep breath in and then slowly blow it out as she slides the plastic dinosaur inside and slowly cranks open the jaws.
“Okay, you may feel a tiny pinch—”
I wince as she swabs the cotton over the inside of my body and pulls it out.
“All done,” she announces finally, pulling the plastic back out. “Great. Everything is looking great.”
Always good news when someone has just taken a super thorough look at your vagina. Come to think of it, maybe that was the problem with Raleigh. I don’t think he ever told me my vagina was looking really good.
Dr. Davenport moves up the bed, pulls off her gloves and tosses them in the garbage, and then gently opens the front of my gown to give my boobs a quick rubdown. I once again look awkwardly to the ceiling as she makes circles from my nipples all the way out to the edges of my breasts.
“Good,” she says again, and for as dramatic as I’ve been about this whole thing, I take another deep breath. Anytime you can come to this doctor’s office without getting bad news is a blessing.
I sit up a little, shuffling my bare ass from the edge of the table to back under my body. She makes some notes on my chart and then looks back at me.
“Do you want an STI test?”
“No.”
The doctor nods, ready to leave the room when panic overwhelms me. My mouth is about to move without my consent. I can feel it coming like vomit crawling up my throat. “Yes. Actually, yes. I’d like to get tested. Just to…know. For future reference kind of thing. Just in case.”
Could I be any more awkward? Seriously? Why am I like this?
“All right, then.” Dr. Davenport nods. “I’ll have the nurse come back in with the test in just a couple minutes.”
“Thank you.”
After Raleigh left me for his assistant, I should have gotten tested, but I could never bring myself to do it. I didn’t have any symptoms—thank God—but he’d been sleeping around on me for at least a year. And seeing as he’d gotten the woman pregnant, he was obviously not using protection.