At this point, I decide to help Andrew out of his discomfort so I push off the wall and walk into his office. I pretend not to notice Andrew’s flaming-red face as he visibly wonders if I was listening to them. Dane just shoots me a wink as I plop down in the chair next to him.
“How are you doing?” Dane asks me gingerly, and it’s not a general request. He wants to know how I’m really doing.
I give a nonchalant shrug. “I’ve moved on.”
Dane turns in his chair and leans toward me, placing an elbow on the armrest. “For all outward appearances, sure. The last three days you’ve shown up to the office earlier than ever, produced brilliantly flawless work, and you did it all with a smile on your face. But I’m asking again… How are you doing?”
I grit my teeth because I don’t want to talk about Jamie. While I know Andrew and Dane have the best intentions and they are truly only worried about me, it’s a complete embarrassment that my relationship failed and I didn’t see it coming. And I am not about to tell them that because I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to do about these terrible feelings Jamie has caused within me. Because in addition to the sadness and heartbreak, I am pissed. I’m so angry with Jamie right now for doing something so stupid to ruin us that I’ve had a low burning in my stomach that won’t go away.
“Come on, Avril,” Andrew adds. “Lay your pain out. There’s nothing you can’t share with us.”
This is true. I would share most anything with either of these men. Being my best friends is not just a title. They are the two beings I trust most in this world. They are as close, if not closer, to me than family.
But just because I love them dearly does not mean I want to share my feelings with them right now, particularly when my anger is at the boiling point and I’m more likely to erupt like a volcano. My friends don’t need to see that because it serves no purpose and besides, I’m tougher than that. After I can process and figure out my mistakes, the anger will go away. Because let’s face it… I’m as angry at myself as I am at Jamie.
And the best way to avoid sharing with my buds is to deflect.
I turn my gaze to Andrew and give him a little smirk. “I’d rather continue the discussion about you not getting laid in at least a century.”
Dane makes a pointed cough into his hand. Andrew glares at him briefly before turning back to me. “Since when are you two so interested in my sex life?”
“Dude,” Dane says as he leans back in the chair and casually crosses one leg over his other. “You are my best friend. Why would I not care about your sex life?”
“I care about your sex life, too,” I say with a somber nod of my head. “It makes the world go ’round, so you need to jump on that ride.”
Andrew’s mouth drops open in astonishment, and I’m sure it’s because he thinks this is awkward territory to talk about given the fact I’d caught Jamie in bed with another woman just a few days ago. But honestly, I’ve pretty much determined the sex wasn’t broken in our relationship. Our sex life was active and very healthy. I’m adventurous and Jamie had a smile on his face most nights he went to bed, so I know it’s not from a lack of sex.
A quick look at Dane shows me he already knows this is a fact—that sex does make the world go ’round. I suspect this is because of his membership to The Wicked Horse. It’s an exclusive sex club here in Vegas that he’s belonged to since it opened three years ago. It’s not like he boasts about his conquests there because, honestly, we don’t have time to talk about that shit. But he doesn’t keep it secret either, and it’s never bothered me. I’m pretty sure it’s never bothered Andrew either, or at least it didn’t until Dane invited him to go just now.
“Andrew,” I say to get his attention. “You should go to The Wicked Horse with Dane. I mean, why wouldn’t you take advantage of that?”
“I don’t know—” he hems, but Dane cuts him off.
Leaning forward, he puts his elbows on his knees and looks at Andrew across the desk. His eyes are filled with an earnestness I’ve seen often from Dane. He’s such a genuine person. When he gets that look in his eye, you really listen to what he’s saying. “Trust me, buddy. It’s a liberating experience. Walking in a place like that, knowing it’s filled with nothing but likeminded people. You can’t imagine the freedom of knowing that what happens in that building will make you feel better than you’ve ever felt before. Knowing when you walk out of that building, your life goes on the same but your smile is bigger, your strut cockier.”
Andrew snickers at this, but I’m a bit awestruck by Dane’s words. He’s not done yet, and his voice lowers an octave. “It’s hedonism without guilt. It’s unshackling yourself from inhibition. It’s about truly discovering exactly who you are, and, more importantly, you’ll come out liking what you find out. When you let go like that, all of your troubles will just seem to melt away.”
Discovering who you are?
Liking what you find out?
I stare long and hard at Dane as he watches Andrew for his reaction to his pitch. I don’t know if Andrew was moved by those words, but I sure as shit was. Over the last three days, the only thing I’ve been able to determine with any certainty is that I don’t know who I am. I mean, I know certain things. I’m intelligent and a savvy businesswoman. I adore my career. I care about those close to me. I have a good life.
But past that, I’m not sure what else there is that makes up Avril Carrigan. Just three days ago, I was head over heels in love with someone.
Today… I question every single emotion and feeling I had for Jamie. I know there is something I missed, and I have to figure out what it is about me that didn’t let me see the truth. It would certainly take a psychologist to peel away the layers of Jamie Priest so I can figure a lot of these questions out. But since the breakdown in our relationship came from him having sex with another woman, I’m thinking there may be another way to figure things out.
At the very least, if The Wicked Horse is as liberating as Dane makes it out to be, I should come out of there with my self-worth rebuilt. While Jamie didn’t destroy it, he sure as shit took a sledgehammer to it and left some pretty big dents.
“I’ll go with you,” I say as I sit up straighter in my chair.
Dane’s head snaps so hard to the left to look at me, I swear I hear his bones pop. His eyebrows draw inward deeply. “You are absolutely not coming with me.”
“Yeah, that’s not a good idea, Avril,” Andrew chimes in.
I look to Andrew, and then back to Dane. Keeping my voice calm and level, I say, “I hope you two realize how misogynistic and sexist you are being right now.”
Dane’s expression only turns harder but to Andrew’s credit, his gaze lowers away from mine in shame.
“We’re being protective, not sexist,” Dane says authoritatively.
I lean back in my chair and cross my arms over my chest, giving Dane my most sarcastic glare. “Oh, really? You want to protect me in a place that is all about liberation, freedom, and self-discovery? Sounds very dangerous.”
“Come on, Avril,” Andrew says quietly, and I turn to find him leveling a direct look my way. “It’s not a place you need to go. You’re vulnerable right now. That’s all Dane means by protecting you.”