She was so certain I’d come to love her the way she loved me, and it shattered her belief in herself, and in me, when I told her that any love I had to give, I wanted to share with someone else. There had been other girls who drifted in and out of my life over the years, but none of them were ever able to hold a candle to Remy. She outshone them all, and eventually, they all got tired of being left in the dark because Remy came first.
I knew the feeling well. If you took her shiny, bright brilliance out of my life, there was nothing but endless darkness I stumbled around in like an idiot. She was always the light I followed to find my way out of the pit of misery it was so easy for me to fall into.
“You have to promise to keep her safe. You have to promise that you won’t let her hurt herself anymore when I’m gone.” It sounded stupid when I said it out loud. I was the reason Remy was near death now. If I was gone, she wouldn’t have a reason to make everyone worry. She could focus on herself, on getting the help she obviously needed, and get back to living her adventurous and often out-of-control life.
Remy’s mom gave me a sad smile and held the flowers I handed over close to her chest. I saw her lower lip quiver when she looked through the window at the tiny, scarily still figure in the bed. “I would never ask something so big of someone else if I didn’t plan on making sure we’re never in this situation again. Her father and I will make sure Remy gets help. I promise.”
I shoved my hands deep into the front pockets of my jeans, trying to imagine having a conversation with my parents about not only leaving, but doing something as drastic and life-changing as committing my life to the military for at least four years. They were going to be devastated and disappointed. I doubted they would understand. But at the end of the day, they would support my decision, because that’s what they always did. No matter how lost and lacking I felt, my parents never seemed to think I fell short in any area. They loved me unconditionally, and I often wondered if it was because of how hard they both fought to keep me.
“Don’t worry. I’ll keep this conversation between the two of us. It doesn’t make any sense for Remy to hate both of us.” Her mom was trying to do whatever she could to protect her daughter. I didn’t fault her for that. The two of them were very close, and almost carbon copies of one another physically. It would be another loss if Remy lost such an important connection and champion because of me. I’d already taken too much from her. I couldn’t be the reason she lost her relationship with her mother as well.
I was shocked when Cora reached out and wrapped me up in a hug that would’ve crushed me had she been bigger and stronger. The tears she was holding at bay finally started to spill, and she sniffed loudly, the sound echoing in the empty hospital hallway. “You’re a good kid, Hyde. If she could care about you in a normal way, I couldn’t ask for her to fall in love with a better guy. If her love wasn’t going to end up killing her, I’d beg you to stay instead of pleading with you to go. If you need me to have a conversation with your parents about what’s going on, I absolutely will. It isn’t fair to them that they have to lose you so I can keep Remy.” She seemed truly distressed, but very aware of just how monumental what she was asking me to do was.
I patted her back awkwardly and removed myself from her hold as gingerly as possible. “I’ll talk to my folks. It’s fine. I’ve been aimless for too long, as it is. I need to find a direction for myself. And it’s not like I’m leaving forever.” Eventually, Remy would heal, I would figure my shit out, and we wouldn’t be two people who could only hurt each other anymore. Maybe we could start over as friends, or even as enemies, if that’s what she wanted after she was clear of this mess. Either way, it would be better and healthier than this toxic tangle we’d been caught in since we were old enough to recognize that our feelings for each other were not the same.
Cora swiped a hand across her face and let out a shaky breath. It was hard to not be affected by seeing such a strong woman so close to breaking down. “You’re right. Nothing is forever… even love. The way we love someone important to us has to change and adapt along with the person those feelings are attached to. The way I loved Remy’s dad when we first got together is nothing like how I love him now. When we were young, I didn’t know what a good father he would be. I didn’t know how important our family would be to him. All of those things made me love him in new ways. Remy can’t see anything beyond the way she loves you right now. She feels like she has nothing without those feelings fueling her. But eventually, she’ll know she’s so much more than how she feels about you, and so are you. You deserve to be more than the boy she’s been crazy about her whole life, Hyde. It’s just going to take some time.”
I also wanted to be more than the boy who continuously broke her heart and eventually drove her to drastic measures to end the pain she couldn’t escape. I wasn’t sure any amount of time or distance would make this situation less tragic, but there was only one way to find out.
Now I just had to break the news to my parents that I made up my mind about enlisting.
After mumbling a hurried goodbye, I made my way down the hallway, my mind full of a thousand whirling thoughts. I was so caught up in my own head, I didn’t see Remy’s dad until I was almost on top of him. He was a massive guy with an intimidating presence. It was saying something that I was unaware that he was there until I nearly slammed into him. I apologized quickly and froze on the spot as his cool, blue gaze felt like it stripped the skin from my body.
A garbled apology was on the tip of my tongue, but the words never came out. Instead, the large man in front of me was the one who offered solemn words of contrition.
“What happened with my little girl isn’t on you, Hyde. It’s no one’s responsibility to take care of Remy but me and her mom. And that girl,” Rome Archer grunted and shook his head. “She’s always the loudest in the room. The one who makes sure all eyes are on her, but she didn’t say one word about how messed up her head and her heart were. She suffered in silence. I thought she trusted us more than that. If I couldn’t see it, there is no way you should be expected to. Don’t let my wife run you out of town. She’s going to regret asking you to leave when she’s not so worried about Remy. She isn’t thinking straight at the moment.”
I had to clear my throat before I could speak without fear of my voice cracking or wavering. I pulled my damp hands out of my pockets so I could wipe them on the legs of my jeans.
“Whatever I decide to do, it will be because it’s best for me, as well as for Remy. She’s always put me first in everything she does. It’s about time I return the favor.”
Even though I couldn’t love her the way she wanted, I still loved her in my own way. My way was a bit broken and so was any love I had to give. Remy wouldn’t be able to see it initially, but leaving her was the best way for me to prove to her that she was special to me, and that I cared about her as deeply and as intensely as she cared about me.
Remy
8 Years Later
“HAVE YOU HEARD the rumor that Hyde Fuller is moving back to Denver?”
My younger brother dropped the tool he was using on the engine of the brightly painted motorcycle he was crouched in front of. He shot a careful look in my direction over his shoulder. I couldn’t help but notice that the older Zowen got, the more he resembled our father. Both were distractingly handsome. And both had a serious, intense sort of presence that let anyone in their orbit know that still waters did indeed run very deep. I would bet good money that half his college campus was chasing after him and declaring their undying love on a daily basis, because it was well-known that good looks like his, mixed with his broody demeanor that ran in the family, were a lethal combination. And because Zowen was so much like our dad, I knew he didn’t drop that question as part of a casual conversation or out of general curiosity.