Then I took philosophy my first semester and met David. He was so charismatic, so worldly, so wise. It was thrilling when he, a professor, wanted to spend time with me outside of class. When he said he wanted to mentor me because I had such a unique mind, unlike any he’d seen in his fifteen years of teaching, I was star-struck.
The night I first kissed him, he pushed me away at first. It seemed like a genuine fight against his conscience before he finally returned my embrace.
My stomach sours now at the memory. He should’ve taught acting instead of philosophy. He certainly had me fooled. I believed everything. I believed him when he said he’d never met someone like me before. That he’d never even been tempted to start a relationship with a student before me. That I was special to him. When he said words like forever, I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker.
“He said they were divorced—” I defend weakly.
Shannon rolls her eyes. “Sure, sure. I’ve heard your sob story a hundred times. I stood up to Mom and Dad for you.”
“You didn’t do it for me,” I say, calling her on it. We were always at each other’s throats growing up. She thought I was spoiled. Our parents’ golden child. Until I wasn’t. “You did it for Charlie.”
“Well, someone had to,” she fires back, eyes blazing. “Someone had to take care of that baby. Or do you not remember when I bailed you out of jail while you were pregnant? It’s not Charlie’s fault…” She stops herself, but just barely.
“Just say it,” I spit at her, my heart pumping wildly. I’ve always known this was what she secretly thought of me. This is just the first time she’s even come close to letting it out.
Her arms lock tighter around her chest and her lips purse. “Say it,” I demand, but finally I just say it for her. “It’s not his fault who his parents are.”
I pull back from her and for a second, I can see myself how she sees me. Really, isn’t it the vision I try to fight against every day? That used up, pathetic, broken mess I let David make of me?
We talked so often about a future together. When I was throwing up on Easter Sunday and peed on four sticks to quadruple check it, I felt confident David would welcome the news of our coming baby. When he instead said that this was a sign things have been moving too fast, gone too far and that I needed to get rid of it… I was so shocked I thought it was a nightmare. I kept waiting to come to. I started slapping myself to wake myself up. David said I was crazy and I needed to leave. He said he’d been getting tired of our arrangement anyway and this was the last straw.
I went a little insane.
I don’t exactly know what happened then, though the shame of it will follow me until my dying day. I was so weak. So horribly weak. David was my everything, it was all I could see.
I camped outside his door for a week, begging him to tell me what was wrong, to take me back, to do whatever we had to in order to fix it. I would have done anything, been anything for him. It literally just wouldn’t sink in why he was acting the way he was. I had crazy thoughts, like someone was forcing him to say the things he was, that his ex-wife was blackmailing him, like happened in the books I read—somehow he was being forced to lie to me when in actuality he loved me as much as he’d always said he did.
But none of that was true.
He threatened to call the police if I didn’t stop harassing him. Little by little, it finally started sinking in. My beloved David had turned into a stranger and I felt like I was living someone else’s life. Even living in someone else’s body because of the changes the pregnancy was wreaking on me. It was like being dropped into a parallel universe where no one and nothing was the same. Nothing made sense. Except that I realized David was a liar.
After going days without sleep and having David threaten to call the cops on me, I slid even further down the stupidity ladder. I came back to his house in the middle of the night, bashed in all the windows on his car and then set it on fire. He really loved that stupid car.
The satisfaction at having done it was short-lived, however.
The cops finally came.
Having morning sickness while being in County lockup? Yeah, that’s exactly as fun as it sounds. David only agreed not to press charges as long as I promised to leave him alone. That and not report him to the administration. Relationships with students weren’t grounds for dismissal—the faculty involved was supposed to report them as soon as they started and David hadn’t. Because unofficially, they were frowned upon. It was why he said we had to keep it a secret the whole time we were together. By the end of the whole mess, I would have said anything to be finished with all of it.
Or so I thought. After all that, I never thought about having him sign documents officially giving up paternity of Charlie. Everything settled down and I got counseling at a local women’s center. The last thing I ever expected was for David to suddenly decide to fight me for custody two-and-a-half years later.
And win.
Ever since the initial hearing, David’s been getting Charlie each Wednesday and every other weekend. I laugh bitterly to myself. Because it’s not just David—it’s him and his wife who swoop in and take my little boy away from me twice a week. It’s her who has the trust fund and whose father is a judge.
Yeah.
I don’t know why out of the blue David decided he wanted to be part of Charlie’s life, but I suspect it had something to do with the shrew wife. Maybe her biological clock finally started ticking, but it was too late to do anything about it—that thought makes me happy, the idea of David with a dried-up old shrew. But no, from the little he told me, she’s a few years younger, only in her late thirties. So, maybe she doesn’t want a baby to disturb her perfect figure.
Either way, she found out about my Charlie. Now she’s trying to take him for her own.
And if I don’t find the money for even a semi-competent lawyer… We’re so screwed…
Shannon’s eyes fixate on the manila envelope. It’s opened and I know she’s read through every page. She runs her hands through her hair and then down her face. All of the sudden, the bitchy attitude drops and when she looks back at me, I can see how scared she is.
“What if they take Charlie away from us?”
It’s what I’ve been fighting not to think about. But seeing Shannon, my always untouchable older sister, look afraid puts the fear of God in me.
“They won’t.” I reach out and grab her hands. “I won’t let them.”
She scoffs and tries to pull out of my grasp, but I don’t let her.
“I swear, Shannon.” I move so I’m standing closer to her, forcing her to meet my eyes.
“I got a job today.” As soon as it pops out of my mouth, I know it’s the only way. I don’t even blink as the realization sets in.
I have to keep the job.
Everything was so insane earlier I didn’t get the exact salary, but I know from my research before I applied that similar positions in the area can bring in as much as sixty or even seventy thousand dollars a year. I can’t turn down that kind of money, not when it means the difference between keeping Charlie or not.
Shannon starts to speak, but I cut her off and squeeze her hands even harder. “Not just another waitressing gig. I’ll be making real money. Enough to hire a great lawyer.”