Home > Echoes of You(7)

Echoes of You(7)
Author: Margaret McHeyzer

I hate to think how he’s coping.

My role is straightforward, his isn’t. It’s much harder than mine.

“You’ll be okay, Neve,” I say to myself as I swing my legs over the bed, and sit up. I look out at the inky sky. It’s a moonless night. A starless night too.

There are no clouds, though the sky isn’t clear either. A thin veil of haze hangs in the air. It makes everything foggy, barely visible.

I heard Kate and AJ talking once, a long time ago. And Kate told AJ I’m so mature for my age.

I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes. Each more painful than the last.

“One day, you’ll no longer be needed,” I say out loud.

It’s funny, because if Kate or AJ were here, they’d feel sorry for me.

But to me, the mere thought of not being needed, makes me the happiest I’ve ever been.

One day, I won’t be needed.

Smiling, I choose to hold onto that hope.

 

 

“What are you wearing?” AJ asks as I stand in his room.

“Like it?” I twirl, letting the multicolored tutu fluff out. “Oh, and I have this too.” I reach into my bag, and take out a yellow rubber clown nose. Sliding it onto the end of my nose, I give AJ a huge, cheeky smile.

“Why are you dressed like that?” He eyes my attire, before turning back to his weights.

“I’m going to see Neve. And I’m hoping she lets me do some face painting on her.”

“When did you learn to do face painting? And why isn’t the clown nose red?”

“Because Neve hates the color red. And, I have a lot of hidden talents. Face painting is one of them. So is bubble making.” I hold up the big wand of soapy water that makes large bubbles. “And, if I put my mind to it, I can also make balloon animals.”

“You can make balloon animals?” He eyes me sideways while continuing his reps.

“Making balloon animals may be a bit of a stretch. I can blow up a balloon. And I call it a worm.”

AJ laughs. “So what you’re saying is you actually have no idea how to make balloon animals.”

I clutch my hand over my heart. “I take offense at that, AJ. I know how to make a balloon animal—a worm. Do you know how much talent it takes to make a worm?”

AJ rolls his eyes. “Well, what’s the purpose of you looking like a fairy clown? Are you trying to make me smile? Because if you are, you’ve succeeded.”

“I told you, I’m going to see Neve. I want to see her smile.”

“Kate.” AJ stops, and places his weights on the ground. He walks over to me, and gently places his big hands on my shoulders. His body shines with a thin layer of sweat forming over his defined muscles. “It’s not a good idea for you to see her.”

“Why? She of all people really need some happiness in her life.”

“Yeah, she does. But this isn’t the way to make her happy.” He steps back, shaking his head. “She needs more than a tutu and a yellow nose.” He walks over to his bed, and sits on the edge. “We can’t help her, Kate.”

“We might not be able to help her, but at least we can try to lessen the pain.”

“There’s nothing we can do to make her pain less. Nothing.”

“We can support her,” I explain. “We can make it more comfortable for her.” AJ’s brows fly up in surprise. “I know this is hard, but for now, we have to work with what we’ve got. We can’t do anything about this.” My arms go out to indicate our surroundings.

AJ stands, walks back to his weights, and starts lifting again. “My job is to protect you and Neve. That’s what I can do about this.”

“It’s frustrating, AJ. I want to help, and this is the only way I know how.”

AJ shrugs and breathes out a deep breath. “Then try and go to her, but I doubt she’s going to want you there. I hope you can convince her to change her mind. But Neve isn’t like that. She likes to hide. Hide away from the world, hide away from us. Hide away from everyone.”

I want to cry, because he’s right. He’s so right that my entire body aches. “I’m going to try. She’s worth that at the very least.”

“It’s up to you.”

“You’re right; it is. See ya.” I pick my bag up, and head out to see Neve.

 

“Heya, can I come in?” I knock on Neve’s door.

She’s sitting at her table, coloring in her book. She doesn’t turn to acknowledge me or even look at me. “Suppose,” she says.

I walk in, and my tutu makes a rustling sound as it swishes against my legs. Even the sound isn’t intriguing enough to make Neve turn to look at me.

“What do you think of me practicing my face painting on you, Neve?” I ask as I carefully approach her, making sure I don’t frighten her.

“No, thank you,” she replies in her cold, lifeless voice.

“How about I make a balloon animal for you? I’m skilled in the art of worm making. So skilled, I could win awards for it.”

“No, thank you,” she says again, not raising her head from coloring.

“Please? I really want to do this for you.”

Neve turns her head, and sees my silly yellow nose, and puffy, multi-colored tutu. She runs her gaze the length of my body, and I see the tiniest smile tugging at her lips. “You look funny,” she says. “I like the nose. Maybe you should keep it.” This is the closest thing to fun I’ve ever heard from Neve.

I squeeze the nose, then pose like a clown. “I made it myself,” I say. She turns her little head, and proceeds to color. “What do you think? Can I paint your face? I can paint a butterfly.”

“Butterflies come from ugly caterpillars. I don’t care much for them.”

“What about a frog? I know you like frogs,” I’m trying my hardest to convince her.

“No, thank you. You can go.” And just like that, she flicks her hand at me, dismissing me like I don’t even matter.

“I want to stay with you, Neve. I want to do something with you.”

Slowly, she turns her head, staring at me. Her eyes are soulless. Her face, expressionless. “I’m here for one reason, and for one reason only. I don’t want to be friends, Kate. I don’t want to be anything. I’m here for M and only M. This is how I have to be, in order to get through this. I can’t have a connection with anyone, or this won’t work. Not for me, not for you or AJ but mostly, not for M.”

I feel sick. Sick to my absolute core. “But you don’t have to be alone.”

“I know, but I want to be.”

“But,” I begin to protest.

Neve stands with force, knocking her chair over. It makes me step back, almost afraid of this side of her. She’s not angry, it’s an emotion I haven’t seen before. It’s more than anger, it’s more than sorrow, it’s like she’s rejecting me and isolating herself. “There’s no ‘buts,’ Kate. I have to find a way that I can survive this. And for me, it’s about abandoning all hope, and living with what I have, now.”

She completely stuns me. Her insight, and her wisdom is well above any eleven-year-old. She’s severing all ties, all connections, so she can outlive the circumstances thrust upon us. “I understand,” I whisper, still nearly speechless at her maturity.

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