While she continues coloring, I quietly take the two red halves, and slide them into my pocket. If red is a trigger of hate, then I’ll remove it so she doesn’t have to look at it any more. I look around her room, and can’t see any red anywhere. Actually, her room is quite sterile, bleak even. The bed is small, with a beige blanket and beige pillowcases. Her walls are all a pale blue color. The curtains are a heavy, dark blue. Other than a cupboard, and her desk, there’s nothing to give this room personality.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” I offer.
“No.” She shakes her head. “I like to color.”
“You don’t want to do anything else?”
“Just color.”
“Want to listen to music?” I’m trying to get her to interact with me more, but Neve has all her walls up.
“I don’t like music.”
Who doesn’t like music? Obviously, Neve. “Do you mind if I stay for a bit longer so I can color with you?” I ask. Neve needs someone around, and I want to be that someone who’s here for her.
“I want to be by myself.”
“How about a friend from school then? I can call them.”
“I don’t have friends, Kate.”
I want to lean over and hug her, I want to tell her that I’m her friend. But I know how much she hates being touched. “I’m your friend,” I say.
“You’re here after I hear the song and come back from him.” I slump my shoulders, grief-stricken and utterly sad. She looks up at me, and must see the hurt in me. “Kate,” she says. I lift my chin and plaster a fake smile on my face. “It’s okay that you come after the song. I don’t want you here any more than you want to be here.”
My entire soul splinters at the thought of poor little eleven-year-old Neve, who’s so kind and forgiving.
“I tell you what, Neve. I’m going to come back tomorrow. Because I want us to be friends. I want you to know that I do want to be here. Not just after that song, but whenever you need me.” It’s the least I can do, considering everything she does for M.
Her lips pull up into a half-smile. “I’d like that,” she says.
Standing, I walk toward the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I say.
“Can you bring some popcorn?” she asks with hope in her voice.
“If I can, I promise I will.”
She continues coloring as I walk away.
I have to try to be better, especially for Neve.
“Neve, are you in there?” I say as I knock on her door.
“Yeah,” she calls from inside.
“Can I come in?” I want to give her as much control as possible. It might make her feel safe around me.
“Yeah,” she says again.
I open the door, and find her laying on her bed, reading a book. “Whatcha reading?” I ask as I make my way slowly into her room, and sit on the end of the bed.
“A book.”
I smile. “I can see that. What’s it about?”
She moves the book so I can see the cover, and I’m surprised to see it’s a picture book on frogs. “Do you like frogs?” I ask.
“Not really. But they’re part of nature, and I want to be part of nature too.”
Her hair is fanned out on the pillow, and she’s got one leg crossed over the other as she keeps turning the pages. “Want to draw?” I offer.
“Nope. I want to look at my book. Did you know frogs absorb water through their skin, so they don’t need to drink?”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Did you know a frog can live up to about twelve years? Unless people are cruel, and kill them. People can be so cruel and heartless.” Her tone is even, like she’s talking from experience. “Kate?”
“Yeah?”
Neve doesn’t lower the book she’s looking at. She talks as she keeps looking at the pages. “Do you think I’m like a frog, and I’ll die by the time I’m twelve?”
I gasp at her casual words. “Don’t say that, Neve. Life is beautiful.”
She lets out a small, mirthless chuckle. “For who? You? AJ? Me? Because we know life is anything but beautiful. It might be for some, but not for us…me,” she quickly corrects. “Not from what I’ve seen, and…,” she immediately stops herself before she says anything else.
“I know that’s how it feels right now, Neve. But I thoroughly believe that change is coming, for all of us.”
She chuckles, then clicks her tongue to the roof of her mouth. “That change can only happen when my life ends.”
A huge lump forms in the pit of my stomach. “Neve, let’s color.” I stand and walk over to her desk.
She lowers the book and looks at the door. “AJ is coming,” she says.
I look to the door too, but can’t see him. “I don’t think so.”
“I can feel him. He’s close.” She sits up in bed, and places the book next to her. Standing, she heads to the door, and stands just inside, staring out.
“He’s not coming.”
Neve turns to look at me. Her eyes brimming with tears. “I can’t keep doing this,” she says. “This isn’t life. This is a slow, painful death. It’s slowly killing every part of me.”
“He’s not coming,” I say again, trying to reassure her. I’d hug her, but I know what she’s like if she’s touched.
Suddenly, AJ appears at the door. As if he’s materialized out of thin air. He’s standing in front of Neve.
“Oh,” Neve says and looks down at her bare feet. “You brought the bunny.”
“It’s time, Neve,” he says in a harsh tone.
“I can’t hear the song. It might not happen.” She backs away from AJ, and backs herself into the corner of the room. She curls up, trying to make herself as small as possible.
“Neve,” AJ says with a sigh. “You know what has to happen.”
“No, please don’t make me go, AJ. I’ll be good. I won’t cause you any problems. Please, please don’t make me go. I promise, I’ll be good.”
I watch as Neve struggles with what she has to do. My breath is short and labored, coming in pants as my heart aches for what she has to go through.
AJ looks down at the ground. His own chest heaving rapidly. “Neve,” he says in a smaller voice.
“Please,” she begs. “Please don’t do this.”
He steps forward, and she pushes herself against the wall. “Neve,” he says again. AJ looks at me, and shakes his head. “You have to go,” he says.
“I want to be here for Neve.”
“That song…” Neve whispers. I can’t hear a song. “It’s starting.” She unwinds herself, and steps forward.
AJ holds the bunny rabbit out to her. She takes another hesitant step forward and reaches for the bunny. She holds the bunny to her face, and sniffs it deeply. “You’ll be okay, Neve.”
“I used to love this bunny,” she says in a small voice. She heads to the door, turns, and looks at me. “But I hate it now. Will you be here when I return?”
“If you want me to, I’ll stay right here.”