Travis was my family. We had each other, and together, we were building a life, making it work. I look down at our daughter, and my heart clenches in my chest. I never got the chance to tell him I was pregnant. We weren’t trying, but he would have been thrilled regardless. I blink hard, fighting back the tears that once again threaten to fall.
“It’s just you and me, Maddie. I promise you we’re going to get through this. I don’t know how,” I whisper. “But I promise you that we will. Things will get better for us. They have to.” Knowing if I don’t get up and get moving that I’ll fall asleep here, I stand and head to the bathroom. After giving Madeline a bath and packing the diaper bag for tomorrow, I make a mental note to go out in the morning for diapers. Unfortunately, I can’t take Madeline back to day care until she’s fever-free for twenty-four hours. I have to miss another day’s work, which is going to cut us short next week, and I’m still in my ninety-day probation period. I missed two days already when I first started this job because she had an ear infection as well. My only hope is that my boss means it when she tells me that she understands that I’m a single mom. I made sure to express that many times in my interview and when I accepted the nurse aide position. The thought of losing this job when I’m so close to insurance causes my stomach to roll.
“Okay, sweet girl. It’s time for bed.” As if she knows what I’m saying, Madeline rubs at her eyes. “Mama’s tired too,” I tell her. I rock her for a few minutes until she’s sound asleep. Carefully, I place her in her bed and tiptoe out of her room.
In the kitchen, I make myself two pieces of toast with peanut butter for dinner and drink two glasses of water before moving to the couch and settling in for the night. The apartment is one bedroom, so I gave it to Madeline. I sold my bed because we don’t have room for it, but that’s okay. The couch is comfortable. It’s just me, and we don’t have a whole lot of visitors.
The shrill sound of my daughter crying jolts me from sleep. It’s just after midnight. I’m guessing the Tylenol from earlier has worn off. Time for another dose of that as well as her antibiotic, a diaper change, and a little boob. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get her back to sleep.
“Hey,” I coo when I enter her room. “It’s all right,” I tell her. “Mommy’s here.” She sniffs but her cries quiet when I pick her up—that lasts until I lay her down to change her. “I’ve got you,” I say, picking her back up, and she shudders from her cries. “You have to take your medicine, and then you can eat,” I tell her. Some might say I’m crazy for talking to my five-month-old like she can understand me, but what they don’t understand is that she is my person, my heart, and my entire world.
She’s all that I have.
It takes me two tries to get both of her medicines down her. She’s screaming at this point. I’m just waiting for the neighbors to complain, not that they have a leg to stand on. They argue at all hours of the night. I’ve never said a word, even when they wake Madeline.
Twenty minutes later, my girl is asleep. Again, I lay her as carefully as I can into her crib and wait a few minutes making sure that she’s going to stay asleep before going back to the living room and plopping back down on the couch.
I’m exhausted, but I can’t fall back to sleep. Grabbing a paperback I’ve read more times than I can count, I try to get lost in the story, but it’s no use. I know it by heart, and it’s not holding my attention. Tossing the book aside, I close my eyes and will myself to fall asleep. I don’t know how long I lie here, but eventually, I drift off. My daughter must be feeling better because it’s not until 6:00 a.m. that her cries wake me up again. Six solid hours she slept. Too bad I can’t say the same for myself.
A diaper change and breakfast, and my girl is ready for some medicine. Her fever is gone, and she seems to be more settled and doesn’t appear to be in pain. I decide to pass on the Tylenol for now, but I’ll be sure to put it in the diaper bag in case we need it while we’re out. I’m in the middle of changing her outfit when my cell phone rings. It’s old as hell, a flip phone, and it’s prepaid, which means I don’t have many minutes each month. However, with Madeline, I feel as though I need a phone in case of an emergency.
“Hello?” I greet my best friend, Carrie. She and I have been friends since middle school, and she’s been a godsend since losing Travis.
“Hey. I’ll be quick,” she says, knowing I don’t like to waste my minutes. I can only afford a small amount each month. “You’re off today, right?”
“Yes, but just because Maddie is sick again.”
“Shit. Well, I was going to suggest coffee. How about I bring it to you?”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Of course, I do. I’m about fifteen minutes away. Let me hit the drive-thru, and I’ll be there. Can I pick anything up for you?”
“No. Thank you, though.”
She doesn’t argue with me like I know that she wants to. “I’ll see you in a little while,” she says, ending the call.
“Well, it looks like Aunt Carrie is coming to visit,” I tell Madeline. She coos up at me. With her belly full and the medicine working, she’s back to my happy baby girl. Placing her in her swing, which she’s almost too big for, I straighten up my blankets and pillows on the couch and wash the few dishes that are in the sink. I’m wiping off the counters when there’s a knock at the door. Dropping the dish towel, I rush to let Carrie inside. “Hey,” I greet her.
“Morning.”
“Are you off today, I guess? I didn’t ask.”
“Yes. I worked a twelve-hour yesterday for a girl, and she took my shift today.”
Carrie is a nurse. Something I decided after six months at my old job that would come in handy. When Dad passed, I had just finished college with an associate’s degree in early childhood education. I loved my job but could see the benefits of also having a nursing degree. Travis and I discussed it, and I was going to go back to school when he finished.
When I realized I couldn’t afford to stay in our apartment on my income alone, I began to look for a new place, and a new job within walking distance. I knew I would need to sell our cars to help make ends meet. When I wasn’t having any luck, Carrie suggested becoming a certified nurse’s aide. Being a nurse, she claimed they were in high demand. So, while I was pregnant and working, I took the twelve-week course and passed my certification.
Carrie is my biggest supporter of going back to school and becoming a nurse. However, I just don’t know how I could make it work. Financially I could probably get some help, but then I’d spend even more time away from Madeline, and that’s not something that sounds appealing at all.
“What’s all that?” I ask as she starts unloading the small brown bag she is carrying.
“Breakfast.”
“Carrie—” I start and stop knowing it’s no use. My best friend is one in a million.
“None of that.” She looks over her shoulder at me and winks.
“And the tote?” I ask.
“Oh, I had to bring some stuff for my niece.” She starts to empty the tote and tears well in my eyes when I see a pack of diapers, wipes, and two outfits. I made the comment that Madeline was growing so fast a few days ago, and my guess is that those outfits are the size I told her Madeline was almost in.