But the farther I walk away, the worse I feel. I can’t stop the pull backward and toward Brooke. Because she’s not Ella.
God, I’m a fucking idiot.
Of course Brooke isn’t Ella. And of course that one kiss doesn’t mean that she’s cheating or that she will cheat on me. But all I could think about when I saw her was Ella and the way everything ended.
I thought that I’d moved on from that. I knew that it still hurt, but…fuck.
Turning around, I walk back to the theater at double my pace. I can fix this. I want to fix it. Brooke is worth everything, including owning up to the fact that I still haven’t recovered from the damage that Ella did, no matter how hard I try to hide it.
The lobby is still empty when I go in, and the whole cast is milling around, not rehearsing, when I enter the auditorium. Amy storms toward me. “What the hell did you do?”
“I’m Malcolm.”
She looks me up and down. “I know who you are. What the hell did you do?”
“It was…a small misunderstanding. I came back to fix it. Where’s Brooke?”
“She quit. After running after you, she came back in here practically in tears and said she couldn’t do the play. And she left. She’s not answering her phone, and I have no idea where she is. So whatever kind of misunderstanding it is, it isn’t so small to her.”
“I—”
Amy’s not done. “I swear, Malcolm, if you hurt her more, I will kick your ass.”
I smile at that. “I don’t want to hurt her. I promise.”
She glares at me. “We’ll see.”
She will see. First, I just have to find Brooke.
8
Malcolm
Amy was right. Brooke isn’t answering her phone, and she’s not at my apartment. Or at hers. I feel sick, knowing that she’s somewhere imagining the worst of me. Because I told her I thought the worst of her.
I decide to go to my office because the thought of being in my apartment without her is unbearable now. She belongs there. With me. I don’t know if I can bear to live there if she doesn’t forgive me. That’s how deeply I’ve fallen in love with her.
I stop in the lobby of the building, stock still.
Brooke.
I’m in love with her. Wholly and completely.
The fact that I didn’t see that before…holy fuck, I’m more of an idiot than I thought.
God, I need a drink. It’s getting late. Hopefully tomorrow Brooke will come home, or she’ll go to her apartment. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop calling her, or looking. Because I need to know that she’s okay and to get on my knees and fucking apologize.
I’m not even looking where I’m walking, and the gasp makes me snap my head up. She’s here. Sitting at her desk, face stained with tears.
“Brooke.”
She stands and rolls her eyes. “I hoped that you wouldn’t come looking here.”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t looking. This was the only place I could come that I could bear to be. I couldn’t stay at home without you there.
“I swear, Brooke, I turned around as soon as I left. I…I’m an idiot. And there’s something you don’t know. It wasn’t fair of me to take it out on you. When I saw you kiss him—” I cut myself off and clear my throat. “I had a flashback.”
“So I’m just supposed to listen to whatever you have to say, and just get over what you said.”
I take a step towards her and stop. “No. I can’t ask you to do that. But I hope I can tell you what happened, and you’ll just hear it. Then you can decide whatever you want. I deserve that.”
Slowly, Brooke nods and walks into my office. “Only if you give me a drink.”
“That, I can do.”
I pour her one, and one for myself as well. As much as I want to go to her, I stay near the window and give her space. The ache to touch her is so strong, it’s worse than any pain I still feel over Ella. “Three years ago, I thought I was in love. I guess I was in love. Her name was Ella.”
In the reflection of the glass I see Brooke take a long swig of her drink.
“I’ll spare you the details of how happy we were. Or how happy I thought that we were. Until I walked into her office and saw her kissing someone else. If I’d been five minutes later, it would have been more than kissing.”
“Oh.” The word is a soft breath.
“So…at the theater, when I saw him kiss you…I had a flashback. And it wasn’t fair of me to take it out on you. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I know that’s not an excuse.”
I look at her, and she’s looking into the distance. “I never told you why I want to be an actor, did I?”
Not exactly the response that I was expecting. “No.”
She smiles, though still not looking at me. Like she’s imagining or remembering. “My mother was an actor. And she was…amazing. If she’d wanted to, she could have taken Hollywood by storm. But she preferred the stage. She…” Brooke pauses and sips the last of her drink. “She got sick and passed away when I was ten. And ever since then I’ve wanted to be just like her. Acting makes me feel close to her.”
“I’m so sorry, Brooke.”
Looking at me now, her eyes are watery. “So when you said those things, all I could think about was her and how, if I couldn’t do this, then would I be losing her?” Brooke shakes her head. “You’re not the only one who put their trauma on someone else.”
I put my drink on the desk and go to her now. “You can’t quit the play. Hate me or not, be with me or not, you can’t quit. You’re too good. You’re fucking brilliant, and I won’t be the reason that your dream ends. I can’t live with that.”
Brooke stands, and I don’t move. I don’t dare. Because if I move, I’m going to wrap her up and never let her go, and she needs to be able to walk away if she wants to. But she walks toward me, and suddenly I’m unable to breathe.
“We’re still new at this,” she says, putting her hands on my chest. I’m still not breathing. “And I don’t want it to end yet.”
“Thank fuck.” I reach for her then, and we come together like an explosion. My mouth covers hers and my hands are in her hair. I’m crushing myself against her so that I can feel every inch of her body. The need for Brooke is stronger than my need to breathe.
“Malcolm, I need to tell you something.”
“Anything.” But I don’t let her speak. I’m too busy kissing her senseless.
When we break apart, we’re somehow pressed against the wall of my office, and I don’t remember how we got there. “You were saying?”
She’s breathless and looking at me in that way that I crave. The way that makes me want to strip off her clothes and make it clear exactly how I feel about her.
“I love you,” she says. “I don’t care that it’s fast, and I don’t care that everyone will say that we’re crazy. I love you.”
Shock rolls through me, and I freeze in place for a moment. “When I was looking for you, I went everywhere. Your place and mine. Hell, I even went to Le Outre out of desperation. But it was when I walked into this building that I realized that I’m completely fucking in love with you and that I should have seen it sooner.”