“I like math.” I shrugged and thought back on Nessa’s words. “Tea? I thought you drank coffee.”
“Oh,” she said, blushing. “Pacey got me hooked on tea. Now, I can’t stop drinking it. He bought me this awesome Harney & Sons blend. It’s called Paris, and it’s fruity and yummy.”
Natalie leaned forward. “You like fruity tea? I thought you liked sweet black tea.”
Nessa just smiled. “Oh, it’s not like a fruit tea like hibiscus or anything, more like a black tea with a hint of sweet flavor. He also has a chocolate one, but he won’t let me have any.”
“Chocolate tea?” I asked, intrigued. “That sounds marvelous.”
“It is,” Nessa said dreamily, leaning into the couch.
“Tea,” I muttered. “Maybe it’ll be better than coffee and will still keep me up this semester.”
“I don’t know, I like coffee,” Elise said, smiling softly into her book.
I met Natalie’s gaze, and we both smiled.
“I know why you like coffee,” Nessa teased.
“Oh, shush,” Elise said and sank into her end of the couch.
She had met Dillon for the first time in a coffee shop, though they hadn’t spoken. No, a dare at a house party had begun their genuine relationship. But that fated meeting across the way at that coffee shop, the place we all went to and loved that was three stories and full of spaces to study, was their meet-cute. At least, according to them. And they frequently went there and met up during the day if their classes weren’t on opposite ends of campus.
It was my favorite place to study if I wasn’t at home, as well. It had just the right number of people to get my extrovert fix, but not enough that it was too loud and annoying and I couldn’t study.
I didn’t know if I considered myself an extrovert or an omnivert. I sort of got exhausted after a while no matter what, but I usually blamed that on me. Because I had to be the one helping out, cleaning up, and making sure things ran smoothly—even at parties that weren’t mine. I had done it repeatedly last semester for Sanders and his roommates. I let my thoughts fade off after that and then cursed at myself.
It sucked that I didn’t have that anymore but was I upset because I didn’t have Sanders, or that I didn’t have that connection?
Maybe I could have that with Pacey. Not everything I had with Sanders, but at least a connection to the guys. No, that would be wrong. Just because Pacey offered himself up as a rebound didn’t mean I had to take him up on the offer.
Though I was pretty sure I had in a text last week.
And in the once since when he just asked how school was going. It had been nice. I had a friend.
And yet, I had no idea what would happen next. That should worry me. I always knew what was going to happen next. I had plans and checkboxes for all of that. Of course, I hadn’t known what would happen before, but I had been delusional when it came to Sanders.
There was something terribly wrong with me, and I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
“What is that face you’re making?” Natalie asked, tilting her head as she looked at me.
I blushed. “Nothing. Everything’s fine.”
“Well, that’s a lie,” Nessa countered.
I sighed. “No, it’s not.”
“You’re not fine. And you haven’t talked about what happened last month,” Natalie whispered.
I froze and looked around, noticing that Elise had gone still, as well.
Natalie closed her eyes and let out a tiny little curse. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean everything that happened last month. I’m so sorry.”
Elise waved it off and wiped at a tear. “No, Corinne is bound to come up often. After all, she lived with all of us for so long.” She winced. “Well, she was friends with all of us anyway.”
I smiled softly, ignoring the odd hurt that took root when it shouldn’t. I hadn’t been their roommate before. I needed to get my head out of my ass and focus on what I could fix, what I could feel without regret.
“You’re talking about Sanders,” I said, using my pain to change the conversation. I didn’t want the girls focusing on Corinne’s memory just then, not when I knew they were still hurting.
So, I did the best that I could.
“We can talk about him if you’d like,” Natalie said. “I know he was a huge part of your life.”
I shook my head, my stomach roiling. “And he’s not anymore. He can do whatever he wants, though I’m sure I’ll see him around campus. Thank God I don’t have any classes with him this semester.”
I had classes with his friends, though. Ones that snickered and tried to act as if they hadn’t known me for the past two years or even the eight years I’d spent with Paul. But I would just ignore Hunter Williams, III and the others. They annoyed me to no end. Always had. I didn’t need to spend time with them because I wasn’t with Sanders anymore. I guess there was a silver lining in things, after all.
“Mackenzie?”
I looked at Nessa and shook my head. “I’m fine. Or as fine as I can be. I can’t change what happened. I can only get angrier and more bitter, but I don’t want to become that person. So, I’m going to focus on what I can change. And that is my internship and the new program. Classes and everything that has to do with me and the choices I make, and nothing having to do with the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.”
They all looked at me, and I thought I detected a little pity in their gazes. But there was righteous anger there, as well, so I would hold onto that. It was the least I could do.
“Well, we can be angry for you,” Nessa added, and I smiled.
“I’m sure if we felt like it, we could have easily put all of my mementos of the past fifteen to twenty years of my life into a trash bin and lit it on fire. But we saw that episode of Friends, didn’t we? Didn’t they have to call the fire department?” I teased.
“But there would be hot firemen and women,” Nessa put in.
“And they’d probably all be twenty years older than us,” I said dryly.
“Well, maybe your rebound needs to be an older guy,” Natalie put in. I did my best to blank my features.
“What do you know about rebounds?” Nessa asked, and Natalie closed her eyes.
“I read. I watch movies.”
I chuckled. “I am going to ignore all of you and study. Isn’t that what we should be doing? Working on our papers?”
“Yes,” Elise added and set down her book. “But I don’t want to. I want to pretend that I don’t have to study and have things magically work out.” She let out a happy little sigh. “But Dillon and I told ourselves that we would spend time with our roommates tonight and study instead of hanging out with each other.”
“Exactly. If you guys hang out with each other, there will be no studying except for anatomy,” Nessa teased.
“You are planning to be a physical therapist. It’s important that you understand anatomy,” Natalie said, her voice sounding sage and wise.
“So says the virgin,” Nessa teased, and Natalie threw some popcorn from her bowl at her friend.
“Jerk. I don’t know why my virginity is such a thing,” Natalie said.