I’ve felt crippling shame for putting up with his behaviour but now that I’ve made the decision to leave, I have a little more clarity. I’m still ashamed, I’m not sure that will ever leave me, not until I can come up with reasons as to why I stayed and allowed it to carry on for so long, but I am now ready to make changes and get the fuck out of Dodge.
I’ll no longer allow myself to become another statistic; no longer will I be a victim. It’s time to fight back, and the first return shot I need to fire will be leaving this marriage.
Victim. I hate that word only because I know that’s exactly what I am. What I’ve allowed myself to become. I’ve lost sight of me, Lauren, and the woman I used to be.
I’ll never get her back. The woman I was has gone, changed forever by events of the past months. Now it’s time to find the new version of me and take back control.
Yes, I’m scared, scared of him, scared for me. Scared of what my future might look like.
But I refuse to allow my life to continue on this path of destruction. I refuse to remain a victim. I refuse to remain lost.
Whatever demons Jay’s fighting, he’s shut me out and refused to share with me, and I’m no longer prepared to be his punching bag while he sorts his shit out.
Chapter 3
Lauren
I stare at Jeanette, the manager of the bank that’s held our accounts ever since we moved to the area from the city, over twenty years ago. She’s seen us through the setting up of our businesses, countless mortgages and loans, and watched our boys grow into men. And here she is now, witnessing the horror I must be displaying as she explains that there is no money. Our savings are currently sitting at zero balance. The last of the funds in there had to be transferred to our everyday account after Jay withdrew five hundred dollars last night, and the direct debit for our phone bills had come out this morning.
Scrutinising my reaction, I’m grateful I’ve waited all week before coming in and having this conversation with Jeanette. A few days ago, I’d probably be in tears again by now, but I’ve spent the time getting my head around the situation I’ve been smacked upside the head with, and I’ve had to come to terms with the reality of my situation.
I need to tell my friends what’s going on.
I need to ask for help.
I need to leave Jay.
“Lauren?”
My head jerks back at the sound of my name. I’m looking right at Jeanette but seeing only the one million and one things I need to do to get my life into some sort of order and finding out we have no money in our savings account will make all of that a lot more complicated.
I’m not sure if I’m hot or cold. My skin burns while ice coats my insides as this latest realisation hits me.
“Were you not aware of the—”
“And the credit cards?” I ask, bracing for the answer.
“Well, here’s the thing, nothing has been spent on those, not in a while.”
Realisation hits as to why that is as Jeanette slides a statement towards me.
“I have his card,” I explain. “I was ordering a new telly online; I always use my credit card for anything big because of the air miles. My card was in my bag, in the bedroom, Jay's card was in his wallet, which was sitting on the coffee table in front of me.”
I remember it clearly because of the way he’d grabbed at my wrist when I’d reached for his wallet.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he’d snapped at me.
“I just need your card for a minute. Mine’s in the bedroom.”
“Ask next time,” he’d said as he flicked the card in my direction.
By the time I’d processed the order and the payment, he’d gone for a shower, taking his wallet with him. I’d tucked his card into my pocket and then into my bag when I’d realised I still had it a few weeks later.
“I don’t know what else I can tell you, Lauren. The business banking account is no longer held with us, so I can’t tell you the state that’s in, but your personal accounts, well, they aren’t looking too flash right now.”
“The business accounts have been moved? Since when?” I ask at this revelation; one I was unaware of.
I watch as her fingers move rapidly across the keyboard in front of her.
“Over a year ago now. Did you not know?”
“No, I didn’t.” Jeanette looks at me waiting for more. Not only do I not have it, but I’m also not about to spill my guts about my personal life to my bank manager.
My head spinning, I let out a long breath and begin to stand.
“Thanks, Jeanette. I’ll try and find out what’s going on and get some funds transferred from the business across, but they probably won’t show up until Monday.”
“No worries, Lauren. Hopefully, it’s like you say, and Jay’s just robbing Peter to pay Paul while waiting for a bill to be settled for money owing to the business.”
I offer her a weak smile. Both of us knowing that probably isn’t the case.
Feeling sick to my stomach, I sit in my car outside the bank and consider my options. We have a safe at home. I know it contains documents and jewellery as well as the money Jay keeps in there from cash jobs he’s not declared through the business. The alarm is linked to an app on our phones, and we both get alerts when it’s opened. I’ve had no alerts lately, so I know he hasn’t been in there, but he’ll get the alert if I open it.
I know my boys won’t hesitate to help me out, but I don’t want to drag them into this. I could ask my family, but again, I’d much rather keep them out of this until I’m away from Jay. Starting my car, I come to a decision. I know who it is that’ll have my back, offer me money, a bed, and anything else I might need. I spend the drive home playing out in my head exactly how I’m going to explain everything to my girls tonight.
Despite my building nerves, I’ve been looking forward to this night all week. After the way things have played out over the past couple of days, a loud, raucous night of drunken girl talk, the chance to forget about everything else and the decision I’ve come to, is needed more than ever. I’ve never disclosed the violent nature of my domestic situation to any of my girlfriends. As far as they’re concerned, I have a great marriage. And for over twenty years, I did. That’s the gutting thing about all of this. What once was so good has become incredibly bad in such a short space of time, and I still don’t know why it’s happened. The sad fact now is, I don’t care why. I’ve come to realise the past couple of days that it’s gone past that point, and my mind is made up. I just hope one day, Jay wakes up and realises all that he’s thrown away. I’m a good person. I’ve been a good wife and mother. I’ve given everything to those roles, but now I need to take care of me. The level of violence Jay aimed at me the other night is the worst ever. I know I should’ve spoken up sooner, got out earlier, fought back, whatever, but I honestly always thought I could fix things, and it breaks my heart to know that now, I don’t want to.
Before I went to the bank this afternoon, I spent the morning loading my car with family photo albums and other keepsakes that Jay wouldn’t notice were missing. He has a golf day with the boys tomorrow, the course over an hour’s drive away. Once he leaves, I plan on packing the rest of my stuff. Then I’ll remove the cash and anything else I need from the safe and be gone before he can get back home. I don’t yet know where I’m going, I’ve not thought that far ahead. I just know before there’s a repeat of what happened five nights ago, I need to get out.