1
I had never experienced true, emotional pain until now. It’s like all the stars have gone out in the night sky, leaving only this dark, cold empty space—a never-ending black hole or the frozen depths of the deepest seas.
Love may transcend through time, but so do the scars that etch into your heart, leaving a permanent mark in its wake. The wounds may heal, but there will always be those tell-tell signs left behind to remind you of what once was.
That’s how I feel about Jake.
But—and there is always a but—Jake has left a scar so deep, it will transcend so far into time that I’ll be left a broken, old spinster living on her own with a mass of unkempt hair and twenty cats to take care of. I mean, how can one possibly move on to fizzy wine, when they’ve become used to drinking champagne?
Life was simple before all of this. It was hard at times but bearable. If I could turn back time and erase the memory of Jake’s touch, his smell, his caress, then I would. Everything about him haunts me. Everything about him makes the pain of losing him that much more unbearable.
Clutching at my stomach, I hunch over as the thought of his name hits me like a ravaged tiger. The betrayal I feel is enormous.
The pain I feel is enormous.
“Talk to me, Ana. Tell me what happened,” Jessie urges as she takes my hand and guides me into her hallway to shut the door. “Look at you. You’re soaked through. Hold on, let me get a towel.”
I walk towards her living room at the back of the apartment. I can barely speak, but I must get the words out. I have to tell her something. I wait, hugging myself, my teeth chattering with the cold. When Jessie’s back with the towel, she wraps it around me before sitting me down, awaiting my explanation.
“My… mother’s … back,” I stutter before sniffling. I use the towel to wipe the rain from my face before continuing. “I came home, and she was there with Jake, as if nothing had ever happened. Jake completely ignored me, Jessie. It was like I never existed.” The pain of knowing this rips through my body, making me clutch myself protectively again.
Her frown is deep before she responds. “I don’t understand. Jake loves you. I know he does.”
I practically roll my eyes at that. “Well, obviously not that much if he has welcomed my mum back with open arms even after all that she has done, and he acted like whatever was happening between us was nothing. Like I’m nothing.” I can’t stifle the sob that escapes my lips. I’ve never cried like this in front of Jessie, but my emotions are overwhelming me all at once.
She throws an arm around my shoulder, clutching me to her side. “That fucking asshole. Who does he think he is, upsetting you like this?” She glances off into space, deep in thought. “I just don’t understand it.”
When she places her other arm around me and gives me a big hug, I readily accept it. Another deep frown forms at her brow. She’s just as confused as I am. “I know ... tell me about it,” I reply, as she releases me from my hug and looks me in the eye.
“Tell me everything ... from the beginning.”
So I do. I tell her about my trip back home and how happy I was. About how, when I got home, I saw a car outside, not realizing it was my mum’s. I tell her about seeing her with Jake, that she asked me if I was happy to see her, and that they had some news to share. How I ignored her and tried to reach out to Jake who just stood there with his gaze transfixed to the floor, not once looking in my direction.
She takes a moment to process all that I’ve said. “What is the deal with your mom anyway? You don’t speak about her that much.”
I don’t talk about my mum because she has never been what I would truly call a mother. As a child, I had always had this deep-seated and dark feeling that she never truly cared for me like a mother should. It was her actions after Alan that cemented it for me. Coming to terms with that at the age of thirteen was even harder than the memories of what he did to me.
“There’s not much to say. She raised me in London until she met Alan, and we moved to New Jersey. When things didn’t work out with him, she quickly met another guy called Jason who owned his own business and was very successful. We stayed with him for another year, then she moved on to someone else. It’s a regular pattern with her. She likes men who are successful and have lots of money. She’s hardly ever had to work in her life because she picks only the men she knows will take care of her. The only man I have ever heard her talk about with any kind of affection is my dad.”
“Who was your father? What happened to him?”
Calming a little from my ordeal, I’m thankful at the change of subject—even if it is just a brief distraction. With my focus temporarily off of Jake, I concentrate solely on the question Jessie has put to me.
“He was a corporal in the army back home. He was sent to the Gulf war when I was only a couple of years old and was sent in to Kuwait to help expel the Iraqi troops. There was a ground assault where my father was shot and badly wounded. They tried to get help, but he died soon after he was brought to the medical station. My mum was obviously devastated, and she did a decent job of bringing me up on her own for a while. It was tough for her, though ... you know, financially. I think she felt that no matter what it took, she never wanted to end up like that again ... a single parent on her own, having hooked up with a partner who left her with nothing. I think she still blames him for dying and has tried her best not to get involved with men who may possibly leave her destitute again. The only problem being is, she has led this life for so long, I don’t think she really knows anything else. I have never once heard her say that she loves any of the men she has been with. It confuses me how she can live life like that. I have no idea why she has come back. That’s a first, by the way. Once she leaves a guy, she’s on to the next. I don’t think I really want to know why she’s back, to tell you the truth.”
Sighing, I shake my head, angry at the thought that my monologue quickly went from my dad to my mum. I guess everything is just so … raw. It has only been an hour since I left Jake’s house, so I’m reeling. I’m practically trembling all over with different, unwelcome emotions.
Jessie shakes her head, causing me to turn to look at her. “That is a mystery. I’m sure we will find out soon enough what her intentions are. I know she’s your mom, but she hasn’t given you the best of childhoods. She could have given you her love and tried hard enough to make it work for you both. She didn’t need to keep going from one man to the next, dragging you along with her. That’s awful.”
She doesn’t know the half of it.
“It’s a pity Jake wasn’t named Jack,” Jessies declares. “So I can call him a Jackass. In fact, I think I’ll call him a Jakeass instead.”
A laugh bubbles in my throat, but soon the laughter turns into more tears as I sob on Jessie’s shoulder. She holds me for a while, giving me the time I need to let it all out. I’m going to owe Jessie a lot for this.
When I manage to get it out of my system, I ask her a question. “Is it really okay if I stay with you for a while ... until I find my own place?”
She gives me a scornful look. “You can stay with me as long as you want. It will be quite nice to have a roomie.”