Stopping for a minute on the front lawn, I tried to catch my breath.
Instead, my mom caught up with me.
“Micah.”
I turned to her.
I guess everything I was feeling must have showed because her face crumpled. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
Somehow Mom was embracing me and I was holding on as tight as I could. Tears burned in my eyes and throat until finally I had to leave or I was going to lose it.
As I drove back to Boston that night, I vowed I would stop loving Valentine and finally, finally move the fuck on.
6
Valentine
AGE 26
* * *
Over the years, I’d told myself I’d give up my addiction.
It was always a lie.
And for the millionth time, I found myself internet stalking Micah Green.
Scrolling through his Instagram, I think a masochistic part of me got off on the unbearable sense of longing and regret I felt every time I saw his smile. Like I thought I deserved to feel that way for having screwed up my early twenties. Not that removing people who make you feel bad about yourself is screwing up. Like my parents, Micah wrote me off as a failure, something my brief marriage and subsequent divorce only seemed to prove to them.
My grandparents were a little more forgiving, so I still had contact with them. Dad tried. He never stopped trying. And honestly, I think it would break my heart all over again if he did. Yet, there was a huge part of me that didn’t trust him not to hurt me.
I snorted bitterly. There was a huge part of me that didn’t trust anyone not to hurt me.
Sometimes I didn’t even trust myself.
It was hard to after throwing yourself into one romantic relationship after the other, hoping to forget the object of your unrequited love. I guess I thought if I was enthusiastic enough that I would really fall in love with one of them. I talked myself into being in love with my ex-husband, Louis. But Louis turned out to be a giant man-child. And he cheated on me. The only good thing that came from our relationship was Mindy.
I’d met my best friend Mindy at one of Louis’ theme nights at the comic store. We both loved retro clothing and we both designed and created our own. It took us a few years to save and get our finances in place, but we finally opened our dream boutique clothing store.
And it was an enormous hit in the neighborhood. Plus, we made a killing because of our large Instagram following. We’d had to employ a small team of seamstresses and admin staff just to help us fulfill our online orders.
I’d proven my parents and Micah wrong. While I’d cut my parents out of my life after my marriage (and subsequent divorce) Micah had cut me out of his life. For a while I wondered (hoped?) that maybe my feelings weren’t unrequited and he was angry and hurt. Like the way he’d look at me sometimes. Or the night at prom when I could have sworn he was going to kiss me. And the way he reacted to Dillan, the idiot boss I had a short fling with. After Micah had left that day and I’d calmed down, I wondered if it was jealousy that made him lash out at me. I went back and forth, arguing with myself that what I’d felt from him in those moments was real, and that what I’d felt was just me projecting my unrequited feelings on him.
Mom finally solved my inner turmoil by giving me the cold, hard truth about Micah.
During one of my many arguments with Mom, she’d yelled at me that even Micah didn’t want me in his life because I was too like how his mom used to be. Unpredictable, unreliable, and a screw up.
A screw up.
That’s what he had called me.
And it hurt.
I couldn’t even tell you how much that hurt to hear my mother repeat it all over again.
Mom tried to apologize. To say she didn’t mean it.
People who loved each other said hurtful things to each other in the heat of the moment. But my problem with my mom was that it was happening too damn much for it to be healthy.
Fuck, it killed, but I had to cut those ties.
Just like Micah cut his ties with me.
So why couldn’t I let him go?
My life was good! I had my own business at twenty-six. A successful one.
Why did I care if Micah was sexier than ever or laughing in the Commons with his model-like girlfriend of the hour? Though, to be fair, this one had been around longer than the others. According to his Instagram, the elegant ‘E’ had been around for six months.
‘E’ was exactly Micah’s type. Tall, stunning, blond, and according to his comments about her, she was very smart.
What he considered my opposite.
Well, he was right about everything but the smarts. I was way over letting people make me think I wasn’t intelligent just because I wasn’t academic. And I might not be stunning but I wasn’t exactly hard to look at. Some guys liked the whole adorable, curvy, quirky thing I had going on.
“Ugh.” I glowered at a candid photograph he’d posted of him standing hugging a mind-bending building in Peru. He faced the camera, grinning that boyish smile. He looked happy.
That summer, his girlfriend and another couple had taken a trip to Peru to tour the amazing architecture. Micah looked like he was having the time of his life.
He was a stranger now.
Sadness enveloped me.
“Dear God, you’re stalking him again.” Mindy’s voice right at my ear made me jump a mile.
“Fuck!” I turned to glare at her. “You’re a sneaky ninja.”
She grinned, showing off the cute gap between her two front teeth. “No… you were just lost in your mooning again over he who shall not be named.”
I turned my phone over on the checkout counter of the boutique. “No, I’m not.”
My best friend gave me a knowing look. “Uh, yeah you are. But I have just the thing to distract you.”
“Oh?”
She whipped out her phone, tapped the screen a few times and then shoved it in my face. I stared into the smoldering dark gaze of a very cute indie-band front man looking dude.
“His name is Ville and he saw you on our Instagram page and is obsessed with you. He asked for your number.”
“Ville and Val. Really?”
“What? His parents are Finnish.”
“Mindy—”
“Don’t Mindy me. Look, he’s a recent friend of Xander’s.” Xander was Mindy’s longtime boyfriend. “Xander approves of him. Says he’s a nice guy. An up-and-coming artist. They’ve shown his work in galleries. He’s not some bum. I promise.”
“Let me see his photo again.”
She grinned and practically squealed as she handed her phone over. I scrolled through his Instagram. He didn’t seem to be a poser, which was good. A lot of the photos were of his art, which was also really good. “He’s talented.”
“Is that… ‘yes, I’ll go on a double date with you and Xander and in five years’ time thank you all for setting me up with the man who gave me my babies Vilandra and Veronica’?”
I shook my head, laughing at her nonsense. “Let’s just try the double date first.”
“Woop!” she did a little happy dance. “I’ll let Xander know. I’m in such a good mood now, I’m even going to do a stock check.”