I was less keen on having my Aunt Jane come to stay. She’d stopped by the hospital when Penny was born, cooing in baby talk and enjoying herself. It had been a lovely visit. That was before the crying started. I had barely talked to her since then. Aunt Jane, being the saint she was, must have assumed that I was simply busy with being a new mum. I’d meant to invite her for Christmas, or even call her, for that matter. Instead, like I’d done with everyone else, I’d taken to ignoring her. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I was struggling. It had been hard enough when Edward showed up. Smith had made the call to her, and I didn’t have the courage to ask him what he’d told her. Whatever it was, she’d dropped her New Year’s plans and told us she would be here tomorrow.
“What about these?” Edward appeared carrying a box from the main house. “Lamps. Books.”
I nodded and pointed for him to set it in the corner. We could add the items once we had more furniture. “It’s a start. We’re going to have to go shopping though.”
“Do we have to?” He feigned annoyance at the suggestion. The truth was that Edward was probably getting stir-crazy cooped up in the house all day.
“I could order things online.” My lips twitched at his instant look of horror.
“You’ll do no such thing,” he said quickly, moving to help me finish the bed I was making up. “Besides, a day in the city would do you some good.”
“We don’t have to go to the city. There are shops here,” I told him. It wasn’t as though Briarshead was without anything to do.
“I’m pretending you didn’t say that,” he said. “We can go next week. They can live with it as it is for now.”
I looked around the space and frowned. The guesthouse had two bedrooms—a good thing, since I couldn’t imagine asking Jane and Georgia to share a room without killing each other—plus a small kitchen and a living space. It might be nice if we’d seen to it at all in advance. I hardly felt like I was playing the gracious hostess by asking anyone to stay here. With Mrs. Winters help, we managed to pull together enough bedding to see that there was a place for them to sleep. We’d managed to have new beds delivered from the shops, which meant I wouldn’t stumble in on Georgia in the buff in the morning but we hadn’t been able to procure much else in the sandwiched days between Christmas and New Year.
“I wish he told me she was coming,” I muttered.
“It’s not like that. He didn’t know until…“ It wasn’t like Edward to take Smith’s side and I shot him a look. He shifted gears immediately. “But he should have told you.”
“It’s just…“ I bit my lip. There was no point in dwelling on it. What was done was done, and I needed to focus on what needed to happen next.
“You’ll feel better if you tell me.” Edward took a seat on the bed and patted the spot next to him.
I joined him. “It’s just that I don’t want people to see me like this.”
“See you like what?”
“Scared. Useless.” I closed my eyes and muttered the worst of all, “Crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy,” Edward said, grabbing my hand. “You’re just going through a lot right now. So much has happened to you in the last two years.”
“It shouldn’t be this hard, though,” I confessed to him. “I wanted a baby. I got the baby. I have a husband who loves me. I have this amazing house. I have a household staff, for fuck’s sake—and I can’t keep my shit together.”
“I’m the Prince of England and I can keep my shit together,” he sympathized. “Look, none of us expect you to have all the answers. We just want to help.”
“I guess I just wish I didn’t need it.” That was the real problem. It had been a struggle to get myself to the point of going to the doctor to ask for medicine. Medicine that hadn’t worked. Tea that hadn’t worked. Then I failed to even nurse Penny. But none of that compared to the most unforgivable act of all: putting her in danger. I’d only held her a few times since yesterday morning, and only in the presence of someone else. Smith had stayed true to his promise. If Nora wasn’t around, he stayed close by, switching shifts with Edward to speak to Georgia. Someone was always there. I needed a nanny more than my daughter. “I’m scared to even touch her.”
“Do you remember anything about yesterday morning?” Edward asked softly.
It was the first time anyone has asked me about what happened. Smith seemed too scared to go there, and I couldn’t. Nora, despite how good she was with the baby, seemed to lack the maturity to acknowledge anything had happened at all. Mrs. Winters continued on like it was a normal day but kept plying me with more freaking tea. The only person that seemed willing to hold me accountable and hear my confession was Edward.
“I remember lying down. That’s it.” The rest was a cold, white haze until Smith called my name.
“Do you remember coming to get the baby from me?”
I shook my head.
He hung his own in shame. “I should’ve realized something was wrong. I’m sorry.”
“You should be able to trust a child with her mother,” I said fiercely. The too familiar ache of tears swelled in my throat. I didn’t have the energy to fight them. Thankfully, Edward never seemed to judge me when I started to cry. Instead, he wrapped his strong arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. It took me a moment to realize that he was crying, too.
“We’re a pair, aren’t we?” He said hollowly. “The prince who fell for the villain —”
“And his mental case best friend,” I added.
Edward didn’t try to argue with me. He seemed to understand that sometimes the best thing anyone can do to help a friend is let them confront their fears. He gave me a safe space to face who I saw in the mirror and what I feared I was becoming. I didn’t need someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy. Right now, I was struggling to accept that I was. Most of the time I felt normal. But facts were facts, and I endangered Penny on that ice. I had been struggling since she came home to keep on top of everything. Right now, I seemed normal. Capable even. But I couldn’t help dreading the next time one of those moods took hold. What would happen then?
Or even worse, whom would I hurt?
“I got a call from Tomas,” Edward said suddenly.
I swiped at my tears and found myself smiling despite everything. “He likes you.”
“I doubt there’s many bachelors on the market here,” Edward said with more than a little self-deprecation. “He’s probably just desperate.”
“Yes, forcing himself to be interested in a handsome, funny, intelligent Prince. He really should have higher standards.”
“I thought we were being nihilistic“ Edward pointed out.
I gave him an apologetic smile. He was better at this best friend thing than I was.
“You can see yourself however you want,” I told him, “but don’t pretend that that cute guy is looking for a pity date when he calls you.”
“Okay, then, is this the part where I point out that Smith adores you more than ever?” he asked.
“Let’s focus on Tomas,” I said quickly. “I’ll do a better job feeding your self-loathing. I don’t know what he sees in you. I can’t believe he called—but what did he say?”