“Bodhi! It’s so good to see you, even though I’m sure you don’t remember me from high school, because no one ever remembers there was a third Parker sister. But anyway, I am so sorry about all the kids. I have no idea what’s happening, but let me get you guys checked in ASAP. You must be Tess. I’m Allie Redinger, your Doc Martens are bad ass, and now I want a pair.”
When Allie finally stops to take a breath, the Doc Martens comment from her thaws the usual ice around my girl when she first meets someone new. The fact that Allie is wearing a flannel over a T-shirt with a pair of holey jeans and Vans, and not decked out in a hideous Christmas sweater, probably earns Allie a few Tess bonus points as well. Tess gives Allie that killer smile that makes me want to strip her naked right in this foyer, while Allie hefts the baby up higher in her arms. Then she shoos another one away from an electric socket and then spins around in a circle with a look of panic on her face, while the rest of the kids decide they’re finally finished with their little crying jags and are ready to fuck some shit up again. A small tree on a side table gets knocked over, a strand of lights gets pulled down from one of the windows, and I’m no baby expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s not chocolate the one in the corner is finger painting with on an animated snowman swaying back and forth with candles in his snowman hands.
“I’m back, and you’ll be happy to know I’m stress-free, and that facial peel made me feel ten years younger!” The front door flies open with that announcement, bringing in wind, snow flurries, and my old friend Millie as she pulls the lapels of her brown, floor-length mink coat tightly together and shivers before giving the door a bump with her hip to slam it closed.
“What the hell, Millie?” Allie screeches as she scoops up the only other kid in the room who can’t walk yet, holding a baby in each arm as she tries to block three toddlers from getting behind the counter. “This daycare for parents so they could have a kid-free day of Christmas shopping and going out to eat in peace was your idea! You said you would watch them in the new kids’ playroom addition Jason put on a few months ago so I could finish cleaning up all the dishes from dinner!”
“I did. I watched them do nothing for like, five minutes, and it was super boring. You never said I had to watch them the entire time.” Millie rolls her eyes as she quickly trots across the room on the toes of her sky-high stiletto boots, air kissing both of my cheeks before moving right to Tess.
“Bodhi was right. You’re perfect and you’re a goddess. What are you doing the rest of the night? My schedule is wide-open, so we should do cocktails.”
Tess opens her mouth to reply but is immediately cut off by Allie.
“Your schedule is not wide-open. You are here to help out, like you promised when you said you wanted to come for a visit during the busiest time of the year.”
“That doesn’t sound like me.” Millie shakes her head as Allie stops one of the toddlers from putting a strand of lights in her mouth.
The front door opens and closes again, bringing in a short bald man wearing a pair of reindeer antlers on his head, who looks to be somewhere in his forties.
“I don’t know how you can walk so fast in those heels. I had to run the last three blocks just so I didn’t lose sight of you,” the guy says to Millie as he brushes snow off the shoulders of his coat, stepping forward to hold out his hand to me.
“Hi. Name’s Sheldon. Merry Christmas! I saw a photo of you on Millie’s computer, but I’m sorry I don’t know your name.”
“Oh my gosh, where are my manners? Sheldon, this is my oldest and dearest friend Bodhi and his girlfriend Tess,” Millie introduces as we shake hands. “And this is Sheldon Johnson. My stalker.”
I immediately drop Sheldon’s hand, my arm darting out and in front of Tess as I quickly move her behind me and farther away from this guy. Most shocking of all is that Tess actually lets me be protective of her. For about five seconds until she punches me in the arm and moves back out from behind me.
“You guys, it’s fine!” Millie reassures us as she smiles down at Sheldon. And I do mean down. The guy is at least an entire foot shorter than Millie’s five-foot-ten inches. “He followed me here all the way from Utah. I mean, that’s some serious dedication, and I feel it deserves the proper recognition. I noticed him lurking in an alley next to the spa when I got out, so I invited him for coffee. Sheldon didn’t really want to filet my skin from my body and wear it as a dress; he was just having a bad Monday. We all have them. He’s actually pretty chill, and everything is much funnier now that I know he didn’t use actual pig’s blood to write all those letters.”
When Sheldon and Millie share a laugh, it’s Tess’s turn to put a protective arm out in front of me as she forces both of us to take a couple of steps back. Thankfully, Allie has been busy bouncing two babies up and down and trying to shush them while they cry again and hasn’t heard the joyful news that there’s now a stalker with a fondness for skin dresses staying at their bed and breakfast this holiday season.
“Millie!” Allie finally shouts over the screaming babies while she manages to herd all the rest of them into what looks like a living room right off the foyer. “Get over here and watch these kids so I can check in our guests.”
Millie air kisses me and Tess again, promising to stop by our room later once we’re settled in, before grabbing Sheldon’s hand and tugging him behind her. She disappears into the living room with the toddlers, and Tess mutters a low, “Oh, Jesus God,” when Sheldon happily dispenses Allie of both babies, cooing and baby-talking them as he bouncy-walks them into the living room with Millie.
“Not our kids, not our problem,” Tess whispers over and over a few times as Allie rushes back across the foyer and behind the check-in desk, quickly clacking away at the computer. I count down the seconds until Tess and I can finally be alone, and she can get the peace and quiet she needs. Preferably after a few orgasms.
“Let me just clear up a few things first before I show you up to your room,” Allie says as I wrap my arm around Tess’s shoulders, giving her a reassuring squeeze to let her know that regardless of the shitshow we walked in on, everything will be smooth sailing for the rest of our stay here. “In case Millie told you that we have personalized butlers for each guest, room service for pets, complimentary workout gear, 24-hour massage treatments, Prosecco baths upon request, or rosé vending machines in each room like she’s been telling anyone who calls or checks in, we do not.”
“I still cannot fathom how you live like this,” Millie says, peeking her head back in the foyer from the doorway of the living room. “It’s like you’re Amish now.”
“It’s totally fine,” Tess reassures Allie when Millie disappears back into stalker daycare. “We’re pretty simple, and we don’t need anything fancy like that anyway.”
I nod in agreement when we hear a crash from the living room, followed by Millie’s loud voice.
“Who wants to play Guess What’s in the Unmarked Prescription Pill Bottles in Aunt Millie’s Birkin?”
“I’m just gonna—”
“Yep,” Tess and I both cut off Allie at the same time when she points to the living room, pauses a beat, and then runs as fast as she can out from behind the counter and into the living room.