We should have had a baby in the family years ago; it would have saved me many ear bashings from my family. A few months ago, Caleb would have woken up the compound roaring at me like a banshee.
“When Aria was in trouble, I stood by you. I did everything I possibly could, no questions asked. I’m not asking you all to follow me to wherever this mission takes Carrick and me, but I can’t sit around and do nothing.”
“I agree. We can’t sit around and do nothing, but there have to be avenues we can go down before you fly your asses out to a fucking warzone. Open your eyes, Clay. Be practical.”
“I’m going to make a few calls today. I won’t jump in feet first, but I need to help Carrick get some closure.”
“Even if that means ending your own life in the process.”
Silence surrounds us. I feel Caleb’s eyes burning holes through me. “We never lose,” I say smartly and stand up to hand Caleb the baby.
“We never lose here. Iraq is a different fucking matter, Clay. You’re damn lucky you’ve handed me the baby because I want to knock some sense into your ass.”
I smile. “Why do you think I gave her back?”
Caleb sighs. “I want in on every detail. You don’t do anything rash. I don’t know how much more this family can take. I swear to God, I will lock you in the fucking basement if it means I stop you from doing something stupid.”
“I know what I’m doing.” I bend down and kiss my niece’s head. “You’re welcome, by the way. Go and get some sleep now this princess is sleeping.”
“Yeah, thanks.” He shakes his head. “How can I sleep when you’ve just dropped that bombshell?”
I doubt any of us will sleep until I stop playing God and trying to find out the impossible. I know Caleb might sound pissed now, but he’d do the same in my shoes. He can scream and shout at me, knock me into next week, but we both know it won’t stop me from doing something I’ve already set my mind on.
I look over my shoulder and see Caleb placing Sharlynn into her basket. For a first-time father, he’s figured everything out perfectly. I’m so proud of the man he’s become, and the father he’ll be to Sharlynn. More men should be like him. If I can be half the man he is, I’ll be happy with that.
This family has been through so much already, and no matter how much I want to protect them, I just know that another shit storm is coming our way again. We should be used to it by now, but it never gets easier.
***
“Yeah, I’ll hold,” I sigh.
I’ll hold, are two words I’ve said repeatedly.
I’ve been on the phone for about two hours. Carrick is anxious, I’m pissed off with being passed from person to person, and the longer I sit, the more I want to punch the fuck out of something. Anyone would think I was trying to find out the Queen of England’s whereabouts the way everything is kept hush-hush. Shay’s the love of my life. My queen.
“What’s happening now?” asks Carrick as he drinks another bottle of beer.
I can’t fault him for drinking, because I’ve drunk my fair share of alcohol since I found out about Shay’s M.I.A status. I’ve drowned my sorrows and then some. Jim Beam and Morgan Spiced have become my best fucking friends; beer just didn’t cut it.
“They’re transferring me to an old buddy who is quite high up in the ranks. I’m not sure what it will do, but a friendly face might be more sympathetic.”
“Clay Shawland! Well, this is a surprise. It’s been years since I heard that name. What’s going on, buddy?”
“Michael, I’m good. Well, not really. I’m really clutching at straws here. I need help.”
“Okay. You know I’ll help if I can. Tell me what’s up?”
I break into my speech about Shay, her disappearance, and now, how no one is doing anything to help find her. He remains quiet until I finish, but I just can’t help but think he’s going to end the call with, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”
“I heard about Shay and Josh, and of course, the other fallen members of their squad. But I don’t see what we can do, Clay. You know how things work out there. We’re not talking about days or weeks since they got attacked, we’re talking months. We have protocols we follow. Every avenue has to be looked at before we call off the search. In this case, every box has been ticked.”
“I know. I’ve lived every single one of those months she’s been missing, but I know they’re out there, Michael. Don’t you think it’s funny how all their other squad members were found, dead or alive? Shay and Josh have vanished. Poof. Gone.”
“I think, under the circumstances, it was lucky that anyone was pulled alive from that attack. We lost a lot of good soldiers.”
I let Michael’s words sink into my head. I knew it was a bad attack, it was all over the news, but he’s the first person that has been brutally honest.
“Please, just tell me what Shay’s brother and I can do. We’ll do anything, Michael. I’ll fund it all.”
“You know the answer already, Clay. Shay and Josh were respectable members of the service. They’re missed every day. But there is nothing you can do, here or in Iraq. Please, find a way to move on.”
“Would you move on?” The silence surrounds us over the phone, and I continue. “If that was one of your loved ones missing, possibly captured by the enemy, would you move on and leave them out there?”
“You know as well as I do that if they were captured by the enemy, it would only be a matter of time before their heads were chopped off or their throats cut. The enemy is ruthless, Clay. You’ve lived it. They won’t be alive today. The sooner you guys accept that, the better it will be.”
“And you know as well as I do, if they had been captured and killed by the enemy, their heads would have been left for us to find,” I growl out my frustration.
“I’m sorry, Clay. There really is nothing I can do.”
“Thanks for nothing, Michael!”
I bang the phone down on the worktop and punch the wall several times until arms wrap around my middle and pull me back. I look at the hole in the wall and the blood covering my knuckles. It’s at that moment I feel the soft hands wrap around my wrist as the two arms around my waist push me down onto a chair.
“Caleb, get me a first aid box,” says Aria.
I look at Aria and then over to the car seat the sleeping baby is in. I feel guilty that she could have seen and heard me breaking my house down. I never even heard them arrive.
“I’m sorry.” I point over at the chair and let my good hand fall onto my knee. “I didn’t know she was here.”
“She might not sleep much, but when she does, she’ll sleep through a bomb going off.” Aria smiles at me warmly. “And that was crap terminology considering what you’re facing.”
“No harm done, honey.”
Caleb comes back and places the first aid box on the table. He bends down on his knees and inspects my hand. “Nothing looks broken, but maybe you want to go to the gym the next time instead of punching walls.”
“Thanks for the tip.”
“What happened? I take it you two didn’t get the answers you were looking for.” Caleb stands up and addresses me and Carrick, who is now sitting with his hands in his hair, head down, looking at the floor.