“I’m good. Do you fancy getting a drink or two?”
Chris widens his eyes at me and folds his big arms across his chest. If you didn’t know Chris, you’d think his size was intimidating, but he’s a big teddy bear. He’s my younger brother, and I love him dearly, even though he’s a pain in my ass.
“I’ll have as many drinks as you want, but I want you to talk to me first. You look like death, and after the good outcome we’ve had with Caleb and Aria, I thought you’d be jumping for joy.”
I nod weakly and smile. “I’m over the moon for them. If anyone deserves some happiness, it’s those two. They were meant to have a happy ever after.”
“So, what’s got you looking so doom and gloom?”
“I was talking with Shay’s brother. He’s not doing too well. I guess it just brought it all back, you know? The uncertainty of everything. Where is her body? Why didn’t they find her?” I shrug.
“Do you want me to get Caleb, because I’m really not the right one to be talking to about emotions and shit. You know this.”
I smirk. “Well, tough, baby bro. Leave Caleb where he belongs. He and Aria need all the rest they can get with a new baby at home.”
Chris pulls a seat across from the corner and sits down beside me. “What do you need? Apart from alcohol, because that will only numb whatever you’ve got going on now. You’ll wake up tomorrow feeling just as bad. Trust me, I’ve been there.”
I study my brother for a few moments. Chris has always been the deep thinker. The one that has a level head. I wish I had that. I wish I could stop overthinking things and just concentrate on the moment, but not knowing how Shay died, or where her body is… Well, that’s a mind fuck. I can’t believe she’s gone without proof, and since the army has called off all searches, we’ll never have that confirmation. She has been left to rot into the earth, and that kills me every damn day.
“I want what Caleb and Aria have. We’re not getting any younger. I want a family of my own. The woman I love. I want it all. Even the dog and the white picket fence.”
“And what’s stopping you? You have a good business. You’re a good guy. Not bad looking. You have it all going on.” Chris punches my arm.
I shrug. “I’ve only ever loved Shay, and I couldn’t even get that right.”
Chris clears his throat. “There is no right or wrong thing to do when you love someone, Clay. You’ve just got to grieve for Shay. You’ve got to move on, bro, before it buries you too deep. This behavior isn’t healthy. Maybe you need to talk to a grief counsellor or something like that.”
“Every day, I wake up thinking about Shay. She’s the first person on my mind. How can I move on? It wouldn’t be fair to me or another woman. They would be living in the shadow of a ghost. And that’s the killer part. I don’t know if she’s actually dead. What if she’s out there somewhere, waiting for us to rescue her? Look at what happened to Aria. She was captured for a goddamn year before she got away.”
“You can’t compare Aria’s case to Shay’s. I doubt we’ll ever come across another case like Aria’s in our lifetime.”
I nod. I know Chris is right, but I can’t help but think I’m missing something.
“I think you need to get your head straight. Is she dead? Is she alive? You’re contradicting yourself. One minute you’re set on saying she’s dead, then the next you’re saying she could be alive somewhere. No wonder you’re fucked up over this.”
I shrug. “I want to believe she is alive, Chris. I have to believe she’ll walk through the door one day.”
Chris takes in a deep breath. “I don’t think that’s doing you any good. You’ve lived the army life. Do you think she could have survived that warzone? If she did, do you really think the enemy captured her and let her live?”
I throw my brother a dirty look. I know what he’s saying is the truth, but I don’t want to think about the enemy getting Shay. I know what her fate would be, and it wouldn’t be good. I’d rather she did get blown up, it would be quick and painless.
“I’m only telling you how I see it.”
I nod. “I hate feeling like this.”
The room goes silent for a few moments and I twiddle my thumbs over my desk, anything to try and get out of my thoughts.
“What do you say we go and get that drink, huh?” asks Chris.
“Really? You’ve just contradicted yourself, baby bro.”
Chris sniggers. “Do you want a drink or not? Hurry up, before I change my mind and go home to bed, which is where I should be heading.”
“You’re getting grumpy in your old age.” I stand up from my desk and rib my brother. Something I’ve always been good at because, let’s face it, I didn’t get the name ‘Joker of the pack’ for no reason.
“Do I need to remind you that you’re older than me?” Chris follows me out of my office, and I grab my truck keys.
“You remind me every day. Come on. We need to lighten the fuck up. It’s too serious around these parts lately.”
And just like that, my deep thinking has passed, and I’m going to do what I do best and try to forget about this overbearing pain in my gut.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new day to carry on just like I have for the last few months. I grieve, I laugh, and I very nearly self-destruct. But two things I have that not many people have are family and support.
Chapter 2
7 months earlier
Shay
I scream and bite down on a rag as I flush out my wounds from the burns. I’ve been in constant agony since I woke up in Josh’s arms. I don’t know how long ago that was, and I don’t know how we’re surviving out here in the wild. I don’t think I’ll be able to continue the way I am because the burns are infected, my body is getting weaker, and I’m sweating out more fluids than I can take in. I’m a medic. I know how the body works. I know with deep burns like mine the body needs to be kept hydrated. But, when you’re stuck in the middle of a warzone, in the middle of nowhere, with no supplies, you’ve just got to do the best with what you have. And, right now, that’s nothing. I’m using the water from the small river we’ve found to clean my wounds. Even boiling the water on the small fire Josh has made is making no difference because we’re using an old tin we found lying around. I know there could be anything in the water, but that’s a chance I must take. I need to try and make myself better. I need to get stronger to fight back and find a way to get out of here, and boiling water is the only thing we have.
“We need to get out of here.” Josh inspects my legs as he drops down beside me.
Josh has been out trying to find us something to eat from the wild. I know he’s trying to keep our strength up, but I don’t have the guts to tell him I can’t stomach a single thing, never mind something he kills and cooks over a fire. I’m a fussy eater at the best of times. I could never survive out in the wild for long periods of time; it turns my stomach thinking about it. It’s worse than the rubbish MREs we get out in combat. The cold, congealed contents is enough to make me gag.