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Home Body
Author: Rupi Kaur

      after feeling disconnected for so long

   my mind and body are finally

   coming back to each other

- home body











   i’m in the darkest room of my life



   maybe i walked out of the womb with it

   is it possible to be born

   with such a melancholy spirit

   maybe it met me at the airport

   slid into my passport

   and remained with me

   long after we landed in

   a country that did not want us

   maybe it was on my father’s face

   when he met us in baggage claim

   and i had no idea who he was

   maybe the rapist left it behind

   or was it that criminal i called a boyfriend

   maybe he beat it into me

   maybe i met the one

   and lost him

   maybe it was the love

   of my life’s parting gift

   or maybe

   it was all of those things at once

- where the depression came from



   why do i let my mind

   get under my skin

   i am so sensitive



   my mind keeps running off to dark corners

   and coming back with reasons for

   why i am not enough



   sex is a way for people to

   transcend into each other

   and come apart

   a beautiful earthy expression

   but for me

   sex was my girlhood

   dragged to death

   he said

   we were going to play

   then he always locked the door

   always chose the game

   when i told him to stop

   he said i was asking for it

   but what did i know

   about involuntary orgasms

   and agency

   and consent

   at age 7. 8. 9. and 10.



   i’ll be quiet when

   we can say sexual assault

   and they

   stop screaming liar



   depression is silent

   you never hear it coming

   and suddenly it’s

   the loudest voice in your head



   my mind

   my body

   and i

   all live in one place

   but it feels like we are

   three completely different people

- disconnected



   while everyone else

   was living their life in color

   depression froze me in place



   nothing lasts forever

   let that be the reason you stay

   even this sick twisted misery

   will not last

- hope



   i have never known anything more

   quietly loud than anxiety



   if you could accept

   that perfection is impossible

   what would you stop obsessing over



   you are lonely

   but you are not alone

- there is a difference



   it feels like i’m watching my life happen through a fuzzy television screen. i feel far away from this world. almost foreign in this body. as if every happy memory has been wiped clean from the bowl of my mind. i close my eyes and i can’t remember what happy feels like. my chest collapses into my stomach knowing that i have to get up in the morning and pretend i’m not fading away all over again. i want to reach out and touch things. i want to feel them touch me back. i want to live. i want the vitality of my life back.



   abuse doesn’t just happen

   in romantic relationships

   abuse can live

   in friendships too



   i walked offstage

   once the show was over

   and prayed for the misery to

   stop eating me alive

   i was sick

   and pretending not to be sick

   at least performing kept me moving

   coming home to an

   empty apartment was worse

   without work i had nothing to look forward to

   i’d sink into the depression for months

   half passed out from the grief

   eyes open

   mind lost in another dimension

   write the book they said

   get back on the road again

   what’s taking you so long

- empty



   i want to live

   i’m just afraid

   i won’t measure up to the

   idea people have of me in their heads

   i’m afraid of getting older

   scared i’ll never write anything

   worth reading again

   that i’ll disappoint the people

   who are counting on me

   that i’ll never learn how to be happy

   that i’ll be broke again one day

   that my parents will die

   and i’ll be alone in the end



   being molested as a child has been the most confusing experience of my life. to learn sex without having any concept of it has messed me up in more ways than i’m aware of. to feel an orgasm so young. to have my life threatened. to be stretched. bruised. bit. spit on. to become a woman at the age of four. to know fear intimately. have it breathe down my neck. to be numb. stiff. silent. and own all the world’s shame at once.



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