My family suffocated me. The city tried to stamp out any sparks that may still be burning in my soul. Sometimes I felt as if I could barely breathe, now that could definitely be from the smog.
Soon, the familiar sound of my brother’s dress shoes clacking across the marble-tiled floor filled the air as he pursued me for the second time that week. I sighed, I couldn’t help myself, and leaned on the brushed-metal railing to wait for the abuse with as much apathy as possible. The door burst open behind me, and it squeaked in its sliding hinge as William nearly toppled the little table where my succulents sat.
“When are you quitting?” William demanded to know.
He chewed obnoxiously on his gum as he referred to my job at the local coffee shop.
He detested a member of his family being a part of the service industry. Why should any of us stoop as low as the “common” class when we had millions of dollars to our name?
We weren’t royalty, how arrogant to think that. However, that was William’s perspective on nearly everything he did, and it infuriated me. I couldn’t stand him most of the time. I heard him plop into my chair, and the wicker of the ottoman creaked under the weight of his feet. If I stayed quiet, maybe his rant wouldn’t last long.
Maybe he wouldn’t see me if I didn’t move.
“You never sent me your resume last week. You never sent me your business model, and you never showed me your pitches. Where is your CV? What are you even doing?”
I didn’t need to turn around to feel him glaring at me. His eyes bore through me like a drill. Did he treat everyone this way, or was this special just for me? Gross. I sighed reluctantly. William knew I had no intention of doing his pointless homework. I had told him hundreds of times that I had no aspiration to be like the rest of the family. I didn’t want millions of dollars to throw around on the streets of New York City.
I just wanted to be myself—simple and free.
“I am not doing any of that. How many times have I told you? I am fine,” I tried to state boldly and leave nothing to interpretation. “I do not want anything else.” I turned to face him, and gave him my most venomous stare. It probably just looked silly, though. I leaned back against the balcony and locked my elbows as I tapped my fingers against the metal. “I’m saving up some money for an apartment anyway. I expect to have enough in a few more months so you can stop barging around like my ward. It’s disgusting and super disrespectful.”
William laughed in my face, so much so that his gum almost fell out of his mouth. It was becoming a more and more common behavior for him. Where had he gone so wrong?
“You? Make a living as a barista? In New York City?” He laughed and threw back his head with an exaggerated knee slap. “Get real, Lilly. You need to follow in the family footsteps and get your act together. If you aren’t going to start your own business, then you’re going to join ours. Dad said he had reserved the director of advertising position for you since you’re so creative and empty-headed.”
“He meant open-minded,” I hissed at my brother. “And I’m not interested. I don’t want to be a part of whatever nonsense you people are involved in. I want to be my own person. Like I said, I’ll be gone soon. I just need some time to get on my feet. I only graduated a few months ago, you know.”
That was true. I still had my very few belongings, only what could fit in half a dorm room, tucked away in my bedroom closet in the house. I didn’t feel like I was at home, so I didn’t bother unpacking more than I needed.
“Oh, right, and what are you going to do with a business degree as a barista? Give a lecture with every pumpkin spiced latte you hand out?” He huffed heavily at me and pulled himself out of the wicker chair, almost toppling it in the process. “Get your shit together, Lilly. You don’t have forever.”
With a glare as cold as late January snow using eyes that could be mistaken for my own—though William’s were frigid and heartless and mine were warmed by the sun—William left the balcony and didn’t bother to close the door behind him.
He vanished into the elevator, and I breathed a sigh of relief. My mother’s hollering was even more pronounced as it echoed freely around the concrete balcony.
It was true; I had gotten a business degree to make my family happy. It bought me a little more time to decide what I wanted to do with my life. Plus, I was a smart girl; school was easy for me. A's were easy to come by, and B's were few and far between. Despite my family not needing the money, I managed to snag a few scholarships for my efforts and was incredibly proud of the accomplishment. They laughed at me for caring; however, the time college bought me wasn’t enough. I still had no idea what to do with myself. For a while, I threw around the idea of starting my own business, maybe as a retail operator? Maybe open a restaurant? None of those really piqued my interest, though. The only thing I knew I loved was being outside.
My tiny potted plants were the only source of green in the house. The balcony provided me a view of Central Park, but there wasn’t enough vegetation in my vista to satiate my hunger. I wanted more. I craved nature and freedom. My soul ached for fresh air and blue skies and sparkling stars and whispering trees. My heart wanted to be wild.
William’s intentions for me had started in high school. He had gone to the same college as his friend, Gregory, and my high school ex, Andre. They had all graduated the same year at the top of their class for business science. They had all become successful despite their ridiculously young ages, but William wanted the same for his baby sister. Two years separated us, but I wished there was an ocean putting distance between my brother and me.
When he first started to try to convince me to follow in the family's footsteps, he was kind and understanding. He at least pretended to take my ideas into account. Now? It was a one-sided argument, and I had no part to play in his act. He expected me to listen and obey, and that clashed with my personality. I am me, and no one else. Once I stood my ground about going to a different college than the last three generations of my family, William’s tolerance for me all but disintegrated. I was reminiscing at one point in school about how close we had been as kids, but it made my heart ache.
I mourned who my brother used to be, and I feared for who he was becoming. William had been my best friend growing up, but I had no idea where that kid had gone. He had turned into some money-hungry man who left people in that dust if they didn’t run at his speed. I guessed I must be pretty dirty to him because I certainly didn’t move at his pace.
A few moments later, I found myself in the elevator, my blue apron tied around my waist. The coffee shop logo was clearly visible. The trip down all 105 floors felt like it got longer every single day. I dreaded the quiet time with my thoughts in the elevator since my trip was always made alone. I often preoccupied myself with my phone. The gray metal box was not a healthy place for me, absolutely not healthy at all. It was the concentrated essence of how I felt in the city—trapped, confined, surrounded, invaded, smothered. When the bell rang, and the intercom’s voice indicated I had reached the ground level, I let out a sigh of relief. I passed through the ornate lobby, greeted the always cheery doorman, and went on my way to work. Thank God, a chance to get away.
I sincerely enjoyed my job working with the public, really, I did. I loved being able to talk to people and liked making my own money even more. I hated being dependent on my family despite the fact that they loved having me be dependent upon them. They often held it over my head and then excused their behavior, stating it was a tactic to get me into the family business.