Bending to pick it up, I sink to the floor, just staring at the stupid weight. What good is being muscle-bound, if I can’t use it to protect the ones I love?
I let out a deep breath, and try to push it to the back of my mind. I have to be strong, especially for the others. They need to see me strong, so they know that they’ll be okay.
“AJ,” I hear Kate’s sweet voice calling me. Closing my eyes, I take a few seconds to regain myself, get back the control I’ve lost. “AJ,” she says again, this time in a softer tone. I feel her beside me, feel her warmth desperately attempting to reach me.
“I’m okay,” I say.
“You sure?” I open my eyes, and turn my head to look at her. It takes all my strength, but I muster a small smile for her. Kate lets out a sigh the moment she sees me smiling. She leans her head against mine, and closes her eyes. “I was scared,” she says.
“I’m sorry for being angry at you.” I wrap my arms around her and draw her in close. I need her. I need to feed on her positivity. I need it so bad. “I’m really sorry,” I say again, leaning in to give her a kiss on her forehead.
“You didn’t mean it.” She’s letting me off too easily. I deserve her anger. But I know Kate’s not like that. She refuses to hold on to the bad. “What you have to do is…” She gulps and then breathes out heavily. “It’s not easy.”
“I hate myself so much.”
“You look out for us,” she says.
“Kate, I’m not sure I can keep doing this. I don’t know how much longer I, or any of us can survive. It has to stop.”
“It will.”
“When?” I feel myself choking on my words. But I have to be strong, for all of us. I pull away from Kate, and hop up to my feet. Pacing in front of her, I try my hardest to push the monster, this demon version of myself, as far away as I can. The weight bar shines over on the other side of the room. I walk over to it, load it up with two fifty-pound weights on either side, and begin lifting.
“AJ, that’s pretty heavy,” Kate says as she gets to her feet and heads toward me.
“I like it heavy. It helps me deal with it all.” A hundred pounds on each side isn’t enough. I lower the bar, then add another fifty pounds on each side.
“AJ!” Kate snaps. The shock in her voice is undeniable. “AJ! You’re going to hurt yourself.” She walks over, and stands in front of me. Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she looks angry at me. Good. I deserve her anger. “Put that down,” she insists.
“No. If you don’t like it, go away.” The moment I say the words, I already regret them. I shouldn’t be so hard on her. She’s just trying to help me. But I have to deal with my atrocities.
Kate’s eyes fill with tears. I’ve made her cry, too. It’s not what I want, but she has to let me deal with this.
Kate takes a step backward. Then another. Her knees find the edge of my bed, and she flops back on it. “Well, if you’re going to be an ass, then you owe me,” she says.
“Fine, I owe you. Can you go now?” I pump the bar, my arms are stinging, and I have sweat running down my back. I feel drips of sweat clinging to the short hairline across my nape.
“So, you admit you owe me?”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Can’t she see I’m trying to get rid of her?
“And I can call on that anytime I want?”
“Yes. Jeez, Kate, you’re a pain in the ass.”
“Yes, I am.” She smiles cheekily. “Then I call on what you owe me, now.” She stands, stomps one foot, and holds her head high.
Man, she’s cocky. I can’t help but smile at her. “Not now,” I say trying to not allow her infectious, bubbly personality to distract me from my own demons.
“Yes, now. You said you owe me, and you agreed that I can call on the favor any time I want. You said those words, AJ.” She points to me.
“Ugh,” I grumble, setting the bar down and taking the weights off the ends. “Fine, what do you want to do?”
“I want to play Monopoly,” she says as she rummages around my book shelf, and brings out the board game.
“Okay, but I’m throwing you out in half an hour so I can keep beating myself up.”
She places the game on the bed, looks at me and flicks her hand. “Whatever,” she says.
When I finish putting the weights away, I flop on the bed beside the open game. The pieces she’s taken out jump up, then land on the board in the wrong spots. “I’m the race car. I’m always the race car.” I put back the dog, and get the car.
“I’m the car!”
“No can do, sister,” I tease. “I’m the car. And your puppy dog eyes aren’t going to work on me this time.”
“You suck,” she grumbles. “Then I’m the banker.” She slides the money over to her.
“No way in hell are you the banker. You cheat.”
“I do not,” she replies indignantly. But her cheeky smile gives away the truth.
“Then how did you end up with an extra two-thousand dollars after one round of the game the last time we played?”
She flicks her hand at me again. “I did not.”
“You’re not the banker.” I slide the money over to me, and far enough away that Kate can’t reach out and take it.
“Fine. Be the banker. I’ll still kick your butt.”
We start playing the game, and Kate’s intent on winning. She’s concentrating so hard her tongue sticks out the side of her mouth as she rolls the dice. “Ha! I’m passing go. Hand it over, bank man.” She holds her hand out for the two-hundred dollars.
I give her the money, and we keep playing. Although Kate’s doing the best she can to distract me, my mind is still playing events over and over on repeat. But I have to forget them. “Hey, how did you get that?” I ask as I point to one of the best properties on the board.
“I bought it,” Kate says.
“Oh man, you’re a cheat. We’ve only had two rounds of the game, and you haven’t given the banker any money.”
“What?” She crosses her legs in front of her. “I also bought these.” She points to another three properties.
“Cheat!” I call her out.
“No. You must’ve gone to the bathroom.”
“I haven’t moved.” Truthfully, I know she cheats. She always does at games. But I don’t mind. I never have.
“Yeah, you went to the bathroom.”
“You can insist all you want. We both know, you cheat.”
She smiles at me. A cute, perfect dimple appears on her cheek when she smiles. I love Kate for so many reasons. I love her infectious laugh, and I love her bubbly personality, but most of all, I just love her for the person she is.
“Okay,” she says with an eye roll. “I will neither confirm nor deny I cheated.”
“Which means you cheat.” I point at her.
“I am merely an expert at sleight of hand.”
“So now you’re a magician.” I can’t help but chuckle. She always makes me happy whenever she’s around.
“Oh man,” Kate says and looks toward my door. “Can you smell that?” I look behind me at the door, and after a moment, shake my head. “You never can smell it. But it’s like a beacon to me. Like a lighthouse in the middle of the night. It’s intoxicating.”