I close my eyes and say a silent prayer for strength. I don’t know how much time passes by, but it feels like Joel has been gone forever. Long enough that I manage to take a few deep breaths without feeling like my insides want to escape me. Reaching for the tub faucet, I turn it on and pool a handful of water in my palm. I sip it slowly, dribbling it down my chin with the effort, but my stomach doesn’t reject it.
I kind of hate that Joel might’ve been right. Maybe I am being dramatic and this is nothing serious. People get sick all the time...no. It’s more. I know it is. The only one stressing me out is Joel and only when I feel like shit. Nothing makes sense.
I think about last night’s dinner, wondering if maybe this really is food poisoning this time. Except I ate the same thing as Joel apart from the glass of wine where he drank whiskey.
A thought nags at me the more I think about every time I’ve been sick. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, especially if he’s trying to get back together, right? He brushes me off because he works in the medical field. He’s always so calm, ready with some sort of diagnosis or assurance from his doctor best friend. It’s not like he’s making stuff up. He’s a pharmacist at the same hospital and can ask a number of people for off-the-record advice.
Why don’t I believe the thoughts, though?
Why am I questioning every kind gesture and focusing on his asshole attitude? How he berates me. How he just said he thinks I’m faking it to stay here, when in fact, right now, I have the urge to run. My gut knows something is wrong, and I’ve been ignoring it. But what can I do? My parents refuse to talk to me. My cousin Tamia won’t call me back. I haven’t spoken to my old friends in so long that I can’t remember the last time.
“Fuck. You’re overthinking. You’re paranoid,” I whisper to myself.
But what if I’m not?
Confronting Joel will only piss him off. He could kick me out, and then what? I’m broke. I have twenty bucks to my name after eating through my savings. I need it for gas money to go on my non-existent job interviews. It’s been weeks since I’ve heard a call back.
I push the thoughts away and swallow my nerves, using the tub to get to my feet. My body trembles, and I shiver through my disgusting sweating, but I manage to stay on my feet. I’ll just let Joel know he was right and apologize. Hopefully he’ll drop the attitude. I just want to plop my ass on the couch and sleep the rest of the sickness off.
Cracking the bathroom door open, I peek into the hallway and spot the brand new crater in the wall. That’s the fourth one in as many weeks that I’ll have to fill and spackle because he won’t. He’ll say if I didn’t piss him off all the time, they wouldn’t be there.
“Come on, man. It’s for a couple of pills. I don’t want to miss work,” Joel murmurs, standing in the kitchen with his elbows on the counter. He sighs and rubs his hand across the back of his neck. “Yeah, yeah. I get it. No one will know. All that other stuff is just for fun. You and Ky should join us sometime. Makes for a helluva good time with Raven. She’s been so tense lately and they chill us both out.” He laughs. “You’re a saint, bro. I appreciate it. I can’t be sick if I’m going to take care of my girl. She’s going to take my ring back soon. I know it.”
I blink at his words, my body tensing. What the hell is Joel talking about?
He chuckles again. “Shit, yeah. I’ll try that next time. The hangovers make her useless, but she doesn’t care. She knows she can always count on me as long as she doesn’t pull that trying to move out shit again.”
My legs wobble the longer I clutch onto the hallway wall for support. I can’t hear Rob’s side of the conversation, but the trash Joel spews shocks the hell out of me. He makes it sound like we get high and drunk together or something. And he needs pills for himself? He was supposed to get me anti-nausea meds. What the actual fuck?
“Right,” Joel says, stretching his back with a groan, drawing my attention back to his conversation with Rob. “I’m telling you. It works. Try it. You’ll never have to worry about things like the shit Raven put me through. Train Ky now, man. If she doesn’t follow your lead, then find another woman who will. It’s too fucking exhausting. I didn’t waste two damn years of my life to just let her think she can leave me.” Anger deepens his voice. “I’m not putting up with that. She’ll learn.”
Joel stands in silence, clutching the phone. The murmur of Rob’s voice trickles through the quiet. I hold my breath and listen.
“...Jesus, Joel. Are you drunk?” Rob asks, though I miss the other part of what he tells Joel.
Joel barks a laugh. “Fuck. That obvious? Sorry, man. Raven’s been a pain in my ass all night. Needy and coming down. You know how it is.”
“Just be careful what you say. People don’t know you guys like I do.”
“You’re right, Rob. They don’t.” Joel sighs. “Anyway, send the script to Bell’s this time. Anna’s working and won’t give us any problems like Rita would.” Rita’s the Chief Pharmacist at the hospital he works at. As for Anna? I have no idea. “I have to get back to Raven before she starts screaming for me to hurry back to bed. She gets lazy and acts like a fucking useless bitch when she’s annoyed.”
With a laugh, Joel sets his phone on the counter and turns toward the cupboard, grabbing a bowl from the shelf. My heartbeat pounds in my ears, and I try to process his conversation with Rob. Anger burns through me, repeating all the lies Joel told. I knew he had a temper, but he made it sound as if I’m some needy, worthless bitch who is only tolerable high. I haven’t done any recreational drugs in years, since my early twenties. The most medicine I even take is for a headache...
I scratch my nails into the wall, staring in shock as Joel pops open an orange pill bottle from inside an oatmeal container on the top shelf out of my reach without a stool. He smashes a pill on the counter before adding it to the bowl and mixing applesauce from a pouch of snacks he keeps for his niece when she comes over.
Scooping up the bowl, he spins on his feet. I can’t move out of his view fast enough, and he narrows his eyes in annoyance.
“What are you doing up? I don’t want you fucking puking on the carpet,” Joel says, striding closer.
Panic squeezes my chest, my mind whirling. “I won’t. I’m feeling better. You were right. It must’ve just been stress. Maybe something I ate. I’m going to rest on the couch.”
“The hell you are, Raven. You’re disgusting. I don’t want your filth on my furniture,” he snaps, stopping a foot away to tower over me. “Now take this and get your ass in the shower.” Shoving the bowl at me, he pushes it against my stomach. “If you can keep this down, then maybe I’ll let you sleep on the floor next to the couch.”
I stare down at the applesauce. “I’m okay. I swear.”
Glowering, he grabs me by the shoulder and digs his fingers into my skin. I wince in pain, trying to pull back, but he only squeezes tighter. “Don’t be a fucking pain and eat it. It’s what Rob said to do. You want to feel better, don’t you?”
I keep my gaze locked on the bowl, my body shaking under his heated glower penetrating my forehead. Tears burn my eyes. He sounds so angry like this is all my fault, but I know it’s his. Everything starts connecting together in my mind. How could I be so foolish?