“Holy geez, Jules. I think we got stuck behind every leaf-peeper on Route 2,” Lanie states the obvious while getting out of the car and stretching.
“Three fucking hours to buy some slutty clothes,” I grumble.
Coming up beside me, Lanie hooks her arms with mine, “I didn’t say anything about slutty clothes, Julia. I just think the one suit you have for the random meetings you attend in person will not cut it for an entire week, especially if you’re planning on a little debauchery happening.”
“Ugh, I guess she is right. I do need more than one suit,” I gripe.
Laughing and now doubled over, Lanie holds up a hand to stop me. “Jules,” she is trying to catch her breath, and I know I was talking to myself again.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Now I do it just so you can hear how unhappy I am without hurting your feelings,” I inform her, smiling.
“Come on, grumpy-pants, let's get a move on. We have some shopping to do,” she says, dragging me behind her.
That is how I end up in a dressing room at Neiman Marcus with my arms secured above my head by a dress I have somehow gotten tangled in. Lanie knocks on the door and I squeak, “Who is it?” the dress I’m choking on muffling my voice.
“Jules?” Lanie asks. “Why do you sound so funny? What’s taking you so long?”
“Um, ah, noffing,” as soon as I say it, I know I do, in fact, sound strange.
“Jules, open the door. What is going on?” she asks while jiggling the handle. Thankfully, I remembered to lock it.
Starting to panic, I wiggle and writhe, trying desperately to get the strap that is around my neck off so I can loosen whatever fabric has my arms locked together around my ears.
“Julia, open up right now or I will crawl under this door like a six-year-old.” I can tell by her voice that she is serious.
Bending at the waist, I try shimmying my arms free from the dress. Somehow, though, it tightens its grip. With my arms standing straight up behind my back, locked together at the wrists and bound at my shoulders, I am really and truly stuck. What the hell?
Feeling something hit my ankle, I know it’s Lanie crawling under the door. Great. Just freaking great. Thank God this devil dress covers my face because I do not want to see her reaction when she stands to help me. I hear the laughing first, then the telltale shutter of a picture being taken.
“Lanie Heart, don’t you dare! Don’t you dare take pictures of this clusterfuck you got me into,” I all but scream. I know she could barely understand me, though, because I’m still being gagged by the chemical-tasting fabric. I hear her trying really hard to control herself but snorting instead. Finally, she pulls herself together.
“How in the world…” she begins.
“I don’t know, okay? Just get me out of this damn thing.” I’m louder than I mean to be, but I’m really starting to sweat under here, and the material is cutting off my circulation.
“Okay, okay,” Lanie starts, “hold still and let me see what the heck you have done to this dress.”
“This is stupid. I told you this was stupid. If they don’t want me for my brain and my yoga pants at this damn conference, they can just go straight to hell—”
Lanie cuts me off, “You know I can’t hear or understand a word you’re saying. Just calm down and let me figure out where your head should be. Did you… did you put this on upside down?” I can hear the laughter in her voice and it isn’t helping my mood.
“For Christ sakes, Lanie, just cut me out of the damned thing and I’ll buy it. We can use it as rags.”
“I will not cut you out of a dress that costs more than my rent. Just give me a minute and hush up,” Lanie tells me, using the voice I imagine she uses with insolent children. “I’ve almost… hmmm… yup, here we go, arm through here,” she says as she pulls my arm through the fabric, turns me around, untangles my neck, and finally lifts the dress free.
“Holy cow, Jules. Look at your bra,” Lanie exclaims.
I’ll admit, I love a bra and panty set. I don’t spend money on much—I can’t, thanks to Erick—but lovely lingerie is a splurge of mine. Looking down, I see a violet lace bralette and matching panties. Shrugging, I say, “I like beautiful underwear, so sue me. Now get that death trap away from me. Seriously, Lanes, I’m done. No more shopping! Pick out whatever you think I’ll need and I will buy it. We can figure it out at home,” pointing my finger to the dress in her hand, “except that one, never come near me with that again.”
Shaking her head, Lanie turns the dress right-side-out while I pull on my yoga pants and Henley. “You know, Jules, shopping is supposed to be fun.”
“It is fun when done from the comfort of my bed, or couch, or anywhere else because you know what you can do now? Shop online, Lanie. It is the best thing since sliced bread.”
Rolling her eyes again, she says, “Yeah, for a hermit that never wants to leave her house.”
I slap her on the ass like football players do and tell her, “Damn right, now hurry up, you have ten minutes to pick that shit out, then we are out of here. I’m starving.” Laughing, I exit the dressing room and make my way out to the couches they have lining one wall. Lord knows Lanie will never decide in ten minutes.
While Lanie shops, I pull out my phone and check all of my accounts for the seventh time today. Ever since Erick, it has become a habit I don’t intend to break. Thinking of him and my stupidity makes me shiver. I’ll never be taken advantage of again. It’s my cross to bear, I was the idiot. I was the gullible one. I’m the one who thought he actually loved me. Never again, Jules. Never again.
Close to an hour later, I’m helping Lanie carry the shopping bags to my car. All of them. “Lanie, I love you, but seriously, this was excessive, even—”
I’m cut off as we step outside because the sky unleashed on us right then. Running through the parking lot, I already know it’s impossible to keep up with Lanie and her gazelle-like legs, but I try. Reaching into my pocket, I pull out the keys to unlock the car for her and attempt to jump the last puddle as she had. Something I guess you should know about me; I am a certified klutz.
Landing on the opposite side of the puddle, my foot hits something slick, and before I can think, my feet are in the air. I fall on my back in the pool of rainwater, holding the bags in the air so I can hopefully return some of it later.
Motherfucker.
“Oh my God, Jules. What in the heck happened? Are you okay?” The look of mortification is written all over Lanie’s beautiful face.
“I’m fine,” I snap. “Just take these freaking bags so I can get up.”
Lanie, always the sympathetic friend, hurries to my side, grabbing the bags in one hand and pulling me up with her other. “Geez Louise, you’re going to have to change. You can’t ride all the way home soaking wet; your car will smell like a wet dog by the time we get there.”
Grumbling but intentionally biting down on my lips so she can’t hear me, I trudge through the murky water and into my car. Once inside, I blast the heat because… remember what I told you about the weather in New England? Yeah, it is now just above freezing.