Now that I thought about it, the ‘nice’ jeans I was wearing felt a little too snug. There was definitely a bit more padding to me now, surprising really, since I’d spent most of the spring and early summer doing very physical work, and the mid-July heat had me sweating bullets before noon most days. But I supposed the beer and Hot Pockets were taking their toll.
I wondered suddenly if the clown in the cage, with his tight tank and hard body, thought I was overweight. What a stupid fucking thought. Who cared how the damn clown viewed me? Let him think I was some burger-gulping chest-beater about to jump in and prove my manhood, it didn’t matter. He had no way of knowing I felt like an old man in a thirty-six-year-old body, and had barely summoned the energy to leave the house today. He could have called me a fucking asshole right to my face and I’d have shrugged, agreed with him, then gone to get some cotton candy.
But fortunately, for the clown, his goading got another bystander all lathered up with toxic masculinity, so as soon as Bonnie’s turn was done, the new guy was gleefully handing over cash to drown the clown.
“A valiant effort,” I said as Bonnie strolled back over to me.
“You’re too kind. I sucked.”
“But you sucked with enthusiasm.” I wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Dinner reservations are in an hour, should I push them off? Think you’ll be too full from all the junk we’ve had?”
She grinned up at me. “I may be small, but I have a big appetite. I’m still game for dinner if you are.”
“Hell yeah. Do you want to leave and head down to the boardwalk for a bit? It’s walking distance so we can leave the car in the lot.”
She brightened. “Yeah, I heard there are some great shops down there.”
“Sure, yeah.” I nodded, though I wasn’t sure. Things had changed so much since I’d last spent time on the seaside part of town. While it had been warmly nostalgic seeing the giant whale sculpture in the town center and a few other familiar landmarks, I’d barely recognized half the shops when we drove in earlier. But the boardwalk was still booming as ever, so I was sure we’d pass plenty of places for Bonnie to shop along the way down to the restaurant. That location I hadn’t forgotten, as it had been my kids’ favorite seafood place when they were younger, and we’d celebrated many an occasion there before they got too old and cool to hang out with me.
Captain Rusty’s Seafood was supposed to be another feature of my nostalgia tour planned for the kids’ visit. One more thing they wouldn’t get to appreciate because the little dickwads canceled on me. I loved my kids a ton, but my feelings were hurt.
“My sister has a big birthday coming up next weekend,” Bonnie said. “Maybe I can grab her a nice gift.”
I frowned, still thinking about my kids. They were turning eighteen at the end of the summer. Would I even get to see them for their birthday? They’d blown this weekend off because they had a party to go to. That was the excuse for breaking plans we’d had for a damn month. A party. But I had every intention on trying to get them down here for their birthdays, or at least driving up north to see them, if they could carve out time from their precious social lives. I’d had a significant goddamn hand in keeping them alive for eighteen years, I deserved to celebrate it with them.
“Kurt, you okay?”
“Yeah, let’s head out,” I said to Bonnie, but my gaze had been involuntarily drawn back to the clown in the dunk tank. His big dark eyes were on me again, even as he taunted the newcomer, a big muscular guy in a ballcap who was having as much trouble hitting the target as Bonnie had. Looking at the clown made me forget about my kids and my problems momentarily, as I found myself wondering who he was, and how a young handsome guy like that ended up in a sweaty dunk tank on a Saturday.
The clown’s amplified laughter echoed over the crowd, and I felt an incredulous stab of betrayal as he recycled his insults for the new player. But of course, it was all part of his schtick. What the hell did I think, that the clown had been personally attacking me? Like we’d had some sort of moment because he’d stared at me a couple times?
What the fuck is wrong with me? The divorce must have wreaked more havoc on my self-image than I’d thought, if I was allowing myself to be affected by my speculations over what strangers thought about me. And I was obviously starved for friendship if even a tiny, unspoken part of me wanted the freaking clown to like me. I’d grown up in this town, but had, over the years, whittled down my peer group to ‘couple friends’ that Violet and I hung out with. Even though Vi had been the one to move away, she seemed to have won most of our friends in the divorce. The guys I’d hung out with for years didn’t seem to have time for me beyond an occasional afterwork beer, and their wives didn’t want them going to nightclubs with a newly single dude. I got invited to fewer gatherings and dinner parties now, and even when I did, my spouseless presence made things awkward.
Bonnie tugged my arm, and I blinked at her.
“Are we going?” she asked, eyeing me strangely.
“Oh, yeah, sorry.”
“You okay?”
“Great. Why?”
“You were just…staring at that clown. Like you were in a daze.”
“Sorry.” I gave my head a shake as we started back down the dirt pathway. “Think maybe I got too much sun.”
“You’re probably dehydrated.” She nudged my side and grinned up at me. “I think it’s almost wine o’clock.”
“I knew I liked you. Let’s get the hell out of here.”
The clown was still hassling his patron as we passed by the tank. Despite Bonnie’s words, I couldn’t help stealing a last glance up at him now that we were so close. His white makeup looked glossy with sweat, or maybe it had gotten wet from prior dunks. Small beads of liquid blended with the painted-on tears dripping from his right eye. Suddenly, his head turned, and he looked straight at me. He had huge, luminescent brown eyes like a doll. Or maybe my mind conjured doll imagery because of the black lines drawn out from the eyes like stars. A colorful clown doll with a masculine jaw and a hot body.
But there was definitely something not very jolly in those big eyes that locked with mine, and I felt penetrated. When I didn’t look away, his painted red mouth grinned. “Aww, you leaving, tough guy? Take me with you!”
Bonnie snorted. “I think he likes you.”
“Take me!” the clown shouted, head turning to follow us as we passed. “Come on, Squirt. You already got a table for three.”
Bonnie had been holding my hand, and I nearly made her trip and fall as I stopped dead on the path. I turned back and stared up at the painted face behind the bars. “What did you just say?”
The crowd cheered as a ball hit the target, triggering the trapdoor beneath the clown. He went plunging under the water, out of sight.
Chapter Two
“You don’t think it’s weird though?”
Bonnie shrugged as she speared a scallop with her fork. She seemed less enamored with me since we’d gotten to the restaurant. Maybe because I almost pulled her arm out of the socket when the clown shocked me with his parting words. “It’s not that weird, Kurt, honestly.”