I am seduced by his honesty, the way his words just tumble out, no façade, no bravado – it’s so refreshing. He seems so sincere, and how sensitive of him to do it this way, not putting me in a difficult position if I wanted to say no.
I call him straight back from the work phone. He answers immediately, and I feel all squishy inside, as if I’m thirteen again and talking to my first crush.
‘Hey, Alex, it’s Hannah. I’d love to see you again,’ I say.
‘Great… that’s really great, Hannah. I wasn’t sure you’d call.’
His vulnerability touches me. ‘Of course. I had a great time.’
‘Me too. So… when are you free?’
‘I’m free whenever.’ He’s not playing games, so neither am I.
‘Tonight?’ he suggests.
‘Yeah, why not?’
‘Great, great. Shall I come to yours and pick you up?’
‘Why don’t I meet you outside the wine bar, like last time?’
‘Perfect, see you at eight?’
‘Perfect.’
I put down the phone feeling as if I’ve just been wrapped in pink, scented cashmere. As hard as I try to manage my expectations, to prepare myself for disappointment, I’m also willing it to work. Having told myself for a long time that I don’t need anyone but me, I now realise that I’m right – I don’t need anyone. But I would like someone. And Alex might just be that someone.
‘Oh God, it was the sweetest message,’ I tell Jas over lunch.
We’re having sandwiches from Greggs at her desk. She has a fancy coffee machine in her office so the two of us usually sit in here on the rare occasions we have time to eat. Today, we have about seventeen minutes before my next home visit and her meeting with the local head of social services, so it’s a little rushed.
‘I’m telling you, Alex is genuine,’ I say, enjoying his name on my tongue. ‘He’s amazing, thoughtful, sensitive, and he listens… he actually listens, Jas.’ I smile, warmed by the thought of him.
Jas gives me a warning look. ‘Sounds too good to be true. And when someone seems too good to be true – that’s because they are.’
‘You’ve got to stop being so cynical,’ I say, disappointed that she’s not joining in on my excitement. ‘Why are you suddenly against this – you’re the one who suggested I go on Meet Your Match in the first place! You said it was just what I needed.’
‘Yeah, but I meant to have fun, not to take it too seriously. You’ve only had one date with this guy and you’re all over the place, talking dogs and kids and… It was the same with Tom, within days you’d fallen hook, line and sinker and moved him in. That makes you vulnerable, which is why Tom played you, Hannah. You did everything for him, and he gave you nothing back.’
‘Tom was different. Alex is—’
‘Yeah, I think we know all about Alex by now.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘You were supposed to go on the dating app for fun, that’s all – so you could do something other than watch The Great British Bake Off every evening.’
‘It isn’t on every evening,’ I say, a little stung by her words.
‘You know what I mean. Sorry, didn’t mean to sound like a bitch, it’s just – you’re already talking like you’re madly in love and you don’t know the bloke. Don’t get yourself into another Tom situation.’
‘I just told you, Alex isn’t Tom,’ I say defensively.
She sighs in exasperation. ‘No, but this one…’ She pauses, raises her eyebrows. ‘I think the fact he didn’t ask for another date on the night, but kept you waiting, then called your work phone randomly the next day is a big red flag, babe.’
‘No it isn’t.’
Jas takes a big bite of her sandwich, as I argue my point.
‘If you heard him, Jas, you’d know what I mean – his honesty, is… well, it’s quite disarming, and I believe him when he says he didn’t want to put me on the spot. Trust me, this is a considerate guy who doesn’t want to pressure me, that’s all.’
She shrugs, as if to say that’s what you think.
‘So you’re going out with him again?’ She plonks her sandwich down and gets up to make coffee.
‘Yes I am going out with him again.’
‘When?’ she asks.
‘Well, he suggested tonight.’
Her lips purse, she’s not pleased.
‘What?’ I press.
‘Nothing,’ she mutters, her back to me as she makes the coffee, then she turns round. ‘It’s – just that we were supposed to be going to the cinema tonight, to see that new Ryan Reynolds film.’
‘Oh… God! I didn’t realise we’d said tonight?’ I’m sure we didn’t make any arrangements. It was a vague conversation last week about how we must see the film. But still.
‘Look, it doesn’t matter if you’ve already arranged to see him tonight, it’s okay. We could go another night, I suppose.’
‘Do you mind?’
‘Would it make any difference?’ She puts a just whisked frothy coffee in front of me.
‘Of course it would, don’t be like that, Jas.’
‘It’s fine, I was just messing with you,’ she says, but I don’t think she was. ‘If he’s as gorgeous as he looked on his Meet Your Match profile, I don’t blame you wanting to see him rather than me.’ She plonks herself back down on her chair with her coffee and takes a sip. ‘I might get a job as a barista if this doesn’t work out,’ she says.
‘I thought you were going to be a matchmaker if social work isn’t for you?’ I joke, trying to lighten things. I feel guilty now. She’s ambushed me slightly with our supposed cinema arrangements; what I thought of as a vague idea, was clearly seen by Jas as a booking. ‘Jas, I really am sorry, I wouldn’t have said yes to Alex if I’d thought you and I had made a firm plan.’
‘It’s fine, it’s fine.’ She drops the remains of her sandwich onto the desk. ‘But it’s not about me or the cinema – I just think you so should have suggested meeting tomorrow. Don’t be so willing. “Make them wait” is my motto.’
‘Yeah, but if he’s honest, and doesn’t play games, then why should I wait?’ She doesn’t respond. I think she’s more pissed off about the cinema than she’s making out.
‘Look, Jas, I’m sorry about the cinema.’
‘I don’t care about the cinema – I can go with someone else.’ She clearly does care.
‘You don’t have to go with someone else. We can go tomorrow night,’ I say firmly. ‘And I take on board what you’re saying. Yes, I get involved easily, I fall fast. But I’m not applying your “controlled emotional involvement” rule to my personal life.’ I smile to soften the irritation in my voice.
‘That’s not what I’m saying. All I ask is that you don’t leap into another relationship and regret it, hon. Jeez, I sometimes feel when I’m talking to you like I’m talking to one of our teenagers.’