It cannot be said too often: all life is one.
A Short History of Nearly Everything – Bill Bryson
To the human eye, each rabbit looks very much like the other.
The Private Life of the Rabbit – R.M. Lockley
Speed Librarying
Somebody once said that the library is actually the dominant life form on the planet. Humans simply exist as the reproductive means to achieve more libraries.
‘Still on the Westerns, Baroness Thatcher?’ I asked, moving slowly down the line of volunteers who were standing at readiness outside our library, a smallish mock-mock-Tudor building in the middle of Much Hemlock, itself more or less in the middle of the county of Hereford, which in turn was pretty much in the middle of the UK.
Much Hemlock was, in pretty much every meaning of the word, middling.
‘Westerns are the best when they’re not really Westerns at all,’ said Baroness Thatcher, ‘like when more akin to the Greek Epics. True Grit, for example.’
‘Shane is more my kind of thing,’ said Stanley Baldwin, who I think fancied himself as a softly spoken man of understated power and influence. Winston Churchill opined they were both wrong and that The Ox-Bow Incident was far better with its generally positive themes of extrajudicial violence. Neville Chamberlain tried to keep the peace and find some middle ground on the issue while David Lloyd George simply sat there in quiet repose, mentally preparing for the adrenaline-fuelled six minutes of Speed Librarying that lay before us.
Perhaps I should explain. The UKARP Government’s much-vaunted Rural Library Strategic Group Vision Action Group had kept libraries open as per their election manifesto, but reduced the librarian staffing levels in Herefordshire to a single, solitary example working on greatly reduced hours – which meant that each of the county’s twelve libraries could be open for precisely six minutes every two weeks.
And this is where my hand-picked team of faux politicians entered the picture. Using a mixture of careful planning, swiftness of foot, a robust understanding of the Dewey Decimal Book Categorisation System and with strict adherence to procedure, we could facilitate a fortnight’s worth of returns, loans, reserves and extensions in the three hundred and sixty seconds available to us. It was known to all and sundry as a Buchblitz.
My name is Peter Knox, but for the next six minutes I’ll be your John Major.
‘Ready, Stanley?’ I asked Mr Baldwin, who oversaw returns and reservations but was actually retired Wing Commander Slocombe, a former RAF officer who famously lost an ear while ejecting out of a Hawker Hunter over Aden. Remarkably, a solitary ear was retrieved from the wreckage of the aircraft and reattached. Even more remarkably, it wasn’t his.
‘Three times ready, Team Leader.’
‘Mr Major?’ asked Mrs Griswold, who usually ran the Much Hemlock village shop, post office, gossip exchange and pub combined. ‘I can’t remember if I’m Winston Churchill or David Lloyd George.’
‘You’re David Lloyd George,’ I said. ‘You select the books from the shelves to be given to Mr Chamberlain, who takes them to the counter and to Mrs Thatcher, who offers them up to the Sole Librarian to be stamped. It’s really very simple.’
‘Right,’ said Mrs Griswold, ‘David Lloyd George. Got it.’
I had devised an Emergency Code system for Speed Librarying, and Mrs Griswold was definitely a Code 3-20: ‘Someone who village diplomacy dictated should be on the Blitzer team, but was, nonetheless, useless’. Sadly, no one but myself knew what a 3-20 was, as the system hadn’t reached the levels of awareness I thought it deserved – a state of affairs that had its own code, a 5-12: ‘Lack of enthusiasm over correct procedures’.
The church clock signalled 10.45 and the chatter gave way to an expectant hush. We had seen the Sole Librarian rummaging around prior to the opening, and while she would permit us to reshelf, log reservations and even use the card index, her stamps were sacrosanct: hers and hers alone. Because of this it was Mrs Thatcher’s responsibility to ensure that books and library cards were placed before the Sole Librarian so that her stamping time was most effectively spent. The steady rhythm of rubber on paper was the litmus test of an efficient Blitz.
Speed Librarying was also fast becoming a spectator sport – no TV rights offers yet, sadly, but there was usually a group of local onlookers at every Blitz, eager to offer us moral support and ensure that tea and seedcake and a rub-down with a towel would be forthcoming once the Blitz was over. Not all onlookers were so helpful. Norman and Victor Mallett were the de facto elders of the village, and dominated every committee from Parish Council to Steeple Fund to coordinating Much Hemlock’s entry in the All Herefordshire Spick & Span Village Awards. They were not themselves huge fans of libraries, regarding them as ‘just one more pointless drain on the nation’s resources’.
They had turned up ostensibly to support the current Neville Chamberlain, who happened also to be Victor Mallett’s wife, to complain bitterly about anything that contravened their narrow worldview – and for Norman to take possession of his reserved copy of The Glory and Triumph of the British Colonial System Illustrated.
At two minutes to opening Mr Churchill – in charge of extensions, audiobooks and swapping tired periodicals for slightly less tired periodicals – indicated she needed a toilet break and would be unlikely to return within fifteen minutes. This was unfortunate but not a fatal blow, as Mr Beeton, a long-standing friend and next-door neighbour, was my all-parts understudy.
‘Can you do Churchill?’ I asked.
‘We shall never surrender,’ said Mr Beeton with a grin before coughing a deep, rattly cough.
‘Are you sure?’ said Stanley Baldwin to me in a low voice. ‘He doesn’t look very well to me.’
‘Mr Beeton is the picture of good health,’ I said in a hopeful manner with little basis in reality: Mr Beeton had so many ailments that he was less of an elderly resident and more of a walking medical conundrum, the only two ailments which he had not suffered in his long life being tennis elbow and death.
So Mr Beeton-now-Winston Churchill dutifully took his place behind a wheelbarrow containing forty-six neatly stacked books all carefully sorted by shelf order for ease of return. I nodded to David Lloyd George to acknowledge the last-minute change in the team and she nodded in return as we saw the Sole Librarian approach the front door of the library and then check her watch to make sure she didn’t open a second too early.
This was, in fact, crucial. There were two Herefordshire Library Opening Times Compliance Officers in attendance armed with clipboards and stopwatches, the pair funded at great expense by the Rural Library Strategic Group Vision Action Group, which now employed just under four thousand people, coincidentally the exact same number as the librarians whose continued employment had been deemed incompatible with UKARP’s manifesto pledge.
I checked my watch.
‘Little hand says it’s time to rock and roll.’
The Sole Librarian threw the lock and the door swung open. We moved in with military-style precision, Winston Churchill pushing before him the wheelbarrow of books to be returned while Maggie Thatcher started the stopwatch.
‘Good morning,’ I said to the Sole Librarian.