“If you’re a ghost, why are you still a furnace?” My fingers aren’t numb anymore. The heat he’s giving off is heavenly.
“Because I’m what you need me to be, and you need a heat source right now.” He comes closer and drops down on the mattress, taking my hand in his. “Why haven’t you healed your broken bones yet?”
“Because I can’t.” No use in pointing out he shouldn’t be able to hold my hand as he’s a ghost, but he’s as solid as I am. Maybe the Angel blood?
“Yes, you can.”
“No, Eli. I really can’t. There’s a locked door in my head that’s blocking my healing abilities. It’s locked so tight not even my mother can unlock it.”
“Your mother? I thought she wanted you dead?”
“No, not Georgina. Rhea.”
“You lost me, Hilda.”
I explain to him that Rhea is my metaphysical mother and how she shared her protections with me since mine are out of commission. I’d probably be dead right now if she hadn’t. Kristoff took a lot of blood when he fed from me. I was woozy most of the day. I still am, really.
“Girl, I have missed your drama.”
“I don’t do drama on purpose.”
“I know, but it sure does make things more interesting around you.” His eyes sparkle with amusement, and that old pain hits me right in the chest. Grief has an awful way of surprising you at the worst moment.
“Hey, now, what’s wrong?”
“I just really, really missed you.”
Eli pulls me into a hug, and I swear I can smell his soap. He always smelled like lemons. His mother buys the brand from one of those all-natural online stores. It doesn’t comfort me, though. It just makes the tears well up, and a sob breaks free. God, did I miss him. I never let myself think about just how much I miss him because of Dan, but I really, really do.
He holds me for the longest time before finally pulling back, his expression turning fierce. “No more crying.”
“I didn’t used to cry at all.” A hiccup escapes.
“I know, Hilda, and that’s the girl I need right now.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve gone soft.”
“I have not!” Well, maybe a little. I’ll admit that to myself, but not to anyone else.
“Yes, you have. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad thing in normal circumstances, but you’re dealing with someone who will take every vulnerability and kindness you have and use it against you. You need to go back to being the old Mattie, the girl who would sooner hurt you than look at you.”
“I didn’t like that person very much, Eli. I don’t want to go back to being her.”
“You won’t survive this if you don’t.” The grimness of his tone sends a shiver down my spine. “You’ve gotten so used to taking care of everyone else, putting them first, you’ve forgotten how to take care of yourself. Or you don’t care.”
“That’s not true. I always worry about me because of Dan.”
“Hilda, I’m not talking physically. I’m thinking about your mental state. Kristoff will use everything you’ve been through, the relationships you’ve built against you. He’ll turn them against you in your head. You can’t let him do that. The old you was as much about keeping your emotions locked down as you were about physical violence. That’s what I’m talking about. You have to go cold again. You have to shove it all down and react to nothing. You have to be the foster kid again in order to be the person you are now when you get out of here.”
I know he’s right. He’s only saying what I’ve been thinking since that first night. Kristoff already took one of the best memories I have of my mother and turned it into a nightmare. Who knows what else he can do to me?
But how to go backward? How to lock everything away?
“I’m not sure how to do that anymore.”
“Yes, you are. You just don’t want to. That place scares you because when you go there, you could kill someone without a blink of an eye or an ounce of regret. You’re afraid to be that person, to be who you were born to be.”
“I wasn’t born to be a killer, Eli.”
“But that’s who you are, Hilda. You have a darkness in you, and as much as you want to run from it, as much as you want to hide, you can’t. You’ve only ever embraced it when it comes to keeping my brother alive. The person you have to save this time is yourself. It’s not a question or a choice. It’s a must.”
I don’t want to. It was so hard to get to where I am now. He doesn’t know what he’s asking of me.
“Eli…”
He takes my face in his hands and looks me in the eye. “What is my job as your Guardian Angel?”
“To be whatever I need you to be.”
He leans his forehead against mine. “You know what you have to do, and my job is to make you listen, even if it’s not what you want to hear.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“No, Hilda, it’s not. But I’m here now, and I’m not leaving.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “No matter what, I’m not leaving.”
“You left me before.”
He smiles. “I was stupid, but I’m not anymore. I’m here, and I’ll be here until you don’t need me.”
I believe him.
Eric
New Orleans
“Here you are.”
I look up to see Ethan strolling in. I never even heard the door open. I’d closed it because I wanted to be left alone, even by him. Especially by him.
“Man, you missed it. That Sabien dude, he put Dan to sleep with just a word. Coolest thing ever.”
Ethan thinks all things magic and paranormal are cool. He hasn’t seen the things I have, though. If he had, maybe he wouldn’t be so starry-eyed all the time when we talk about the supernatural. I wish I didn’t know the things I do. It’d be easier to sleep at night.
He falls down on the couch beside me. “What are we watching?”
I have no clue. I’d just turned the TV on for background noise. The volume is so low, it’s just barely audible. I’m not in the mood for much of anything.
“No idea,” I mutter.
He picks the remote up and starts channel surfing. It irritates me. “I was watching that.”
“Dude, you just said you had no idea what was on.” He settles on one of those home improvement shows Mattie loves so much. I’d purposefully kept it off that channel. I don’t want anything that reminds me of her.
I snatch the remote out of his hands and turn the TV off.
“What is your problem?”
“I don’t have one,” I snap.
“Why are you in the basement, anyway?” Ethan’s brown eyes are full of concern, and that just bothers me more.
“Because I wanted to be left alone, and I thought no one would bother me down here.” I stare pointedly at him.
He frowns. “What’s wrong?”
“What are you, my mother or something?” I slouch back on the couch and cross my arms, my expression daring him to keep talking.