Beloved
I draw my knees up to my chest, my hands wrapped around the warm cup of coffee as I gaze up at the moon. It’s utterly silent out here. Beezlebub is a finicky familiar and has never enjoyed sitting with me on nights like tonight—at least not when it’s cold outside.
I’ve always loved the cold. Something about the atmosphere this time of year does something to soothe all the bruises on my soul.
And this year, there had been a lot of those.
Sure, the normal family drama filled the year to the brim with fresh traumas, but I’m almost used to those hurts at this point in my life. What broke my soul in new and inventive ways this year was Jess.
It’s one thing to break up because something is broken in your relationship. It’s a completely different scenario when everything is fine and one of you decides to leave and move across the country. Although, the argument could be made if we were so happy, Jess would have never left.
I groan, shaking my head as the moonlight falls across my legs. It’s supposed to snow tomorrow, the temperature will drop even lower as the winter storms set in. I love the snow, but clear nights like tonight make my soul sing.
The crisp air biting at my cheeks, a nice warm mug of coffee or hot cocoa, fuzzy pants, and a big moon to listen to all my problems. Yep. My favorite time of year.
“I wish she hadn’t left. I wish I was enough,” I whisper to the wind. People say the Moon can hear your troubles, and its spirit will calm you and ease any trouble you might have.
I don’t know if I believe that, but I do believe in the peace it brings. There’s something to be said for anything that makes your heart feel lighter, I think.
“She couldn’t have loved me,” I admit out loud with a heavy sigh. Something in my chest feels like it’s cracking to pieces all over again as that realization sets in. “At least, not like I loved her. I would have never left her.”
But I didn’t go with her, either.
That thought rolls back and forth across my mind like a bowling ball, knocking over every positive, logical thought that came before. Heaviness settles in the pit of my stomach like a stone. I’m familiar with that feeling.
Grief.
“I guess you can mourn people even when they’re alive,” I laugh, wiping at the moisture building in my eyes. I was mourning often these days.
We were about to buy our own house, move in together, and really make a go of things. At first, my family didn’t approve of Jess being human, but they eventually came around. After all, I’m more like her than I am like them.
Jess and I are opposites in almost every way. She’s a cute, thin, science nerd and I’m a chunky musician. I laugh as images of her getting her hair dyed pink and blue skitter through my mind. She’d done it to try and prove she could be ‘edgy’. Silly human.
“She’s gone and she’s not coming back.” I nod solemnly as if agreeing with myself. “It’s time I let her go.”
“Yeah, it is,” Laney’s soft voice murmurs from behind me. I crane my neck around to get a look at her. My little sister adjusts the lightweight jacket to cover her shoulders as she looks at me.
“What are you doing out here, Firefly?” My eyebrow raises as I notice she’s barefoot, but I know better than to comment. Laney’s fire magic keeps her warmer than the rest of us, even when she isn’t actively using it.
“I had a feeling you could use some company.” She plops down in the empty chair beside me and pulls her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “That, and Beezlebub kept muttering at me from the windowsill.”
“He won’t come out here in the cold unless he absolutely has to.”
“Apparently, he thinks I’m a good substitute,” Laney grumbles.
I snort and shake my head. “I’m fine. I just like to come out here and think, you know that.”
“Yeah, but you’ve been doing it a lot lately, Bug,” Laney whispers. “Are you going to be okay?”
“I think so.” I shrug, it’s not like I know how long it’s going to take me to get over what happened. Losing Jess, in the middle of all of our plans finally coming true, broke something deep inside me.
“You know I’m here right?”
“I know,” I yawn against the back of my hand. “I just need time, I think.”
“Bug, it’s been three months.”
I blink as that fact is shoved into my conscious mind for the first time. Had it really been so long since Jess moved to California? That inconvenient truth makes my admissions tonight ring even more true. It’s time to let Jess go. It’s time to move on with my life.
I’ve been in a rut since we ended things. I haven’t been making music like I should. That’s another thing I have to get back on track with. This . . . hole in my heart has eaten up my passion. And that’s not okay.
“What are you thinking about over there?” Laney asks, propping her chin on her hand.
I sit my coffee cup down and lean forward, leaning my elbows on my knees. “All the things I need to do to let this go.”
“For starters, you need to stop talking to her.”
“That’s easier said than done. We were in love—”
“I know you loved her, Bug. But she left. She knew you couldn’t go with her, she knows California isn’t a safe state for our kind and she took the job anyway. If that doesn’t tell you where you fall on her list of priorities, then I don’t know what will.”
I blink away moisture as it gathers in the corner of my eyes. She’s right. I’d said basically the same thing not five minutes ago, but it still hurts to hear it come from someone else. Especially so bluntly.
“I didn’t even try to go with her. I could probably pass as human, if I wanted to,” I mumble. Defending Jess has been second nature for so long, I can’t help it.
“You’re right. You didn’t.”
I stare at my sister, my mouth falling open as her words slap me across the face. Did she really just blame me for this? Just as anger begins to boil in my chest and I purse my lips to retaliate, Laney holds up a hand, signalling for me to wait.
“If you loved her as much as you think you did, you would have tried. If she loved you as much as she said, she wouldn’t have put you in the position to have to. Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be.” Her voice is soft and sad and I can’t help but let her words sink deep into my spirit.
I nod, turning away from her. I prop my feet up on the porch rail as I gaze up at the clear sky. The first of the snow clouds can be seen in the distance, making their way toward the sleepy little coven-town of Waitsfield, Vermont, but for right now, everything is peaceful.
Everything except my heart.
Help me move past her, I beg the Moon silently. Help me get back to the person I used to be.
If there was anything I’d learned over the years about relationships—with significant others or family—it was that toxicity could twist you into someone you’re not. It’s hard to see it happening in the moment, but one day you look back and don’t recognize the person you are compared to who you were when you started out.
This is one of those nights.
Laney doesn’t say anything else, just sits with her knees pulled up against her chest like a child while I stare up at the sky. I wonder for a moment if the answers I need are out there somewhere in the universe where I can’t reach.